UPJOKE

5 Years Jokes

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

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My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.

I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.

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When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
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Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years

I never knew he was a barber

I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”



This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to ...

After 5 years of repair work, I was happy to read that The Big Ben is working again.

Thanks to everyone that…worked around the clock.

I just ended a 5 years long relationship

I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.

I’m finally 5 years clean!

Having to get a shower every day has been hard - luckily, I’ve had my heroin addiction to help me through it.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was communist

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me.

Both times she said no

I threw a boomerang 5 years ago

Today, I live in constant fear.

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Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!

I keep hearing my accountant's disembodied voice wanting to check the last 5 years of my tax returns.

I think I'm having auditory hallucinations.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Probably photos, reflective surfaces, things of that nature.

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A 5 years old girl is walking alone through a remote country road

She is pulling a cow along using a rope. The priest is riding his horse in the opposite direction, and sees the unusual scene. Worried about a child so small walking by herself and dealing with such a big animal, he stops by her and asks:

"Hello, dear kid! What are you doing alone in such a r...

I hate when people ask me what I see myself doing in 5 years......

I don't have 2020 vision

Did ya hear about the yoga instructor who got sentenced to 5 years for tax evasion?

“I can do that time standing on my head” he said.

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

5 years of cake day without posting a joke...

I mean, I feel I dessert to do it this time.

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone.

And I'm left with the maniac.

A man wastes 5 years of his life on Reddit...

It’s me. I’m the joke.

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

After 5 years of marriage

After 5 years of marriage the wife finds £7,500 in cash and 4 eggs on top of the wardrobe.
Intrigued she asked the husband the meaning of it.

Husband: Well since we got married I've put one egg up there for every time you annoy me.

Chuffed that in all of 5 years the husband had coll...

This joke pretty much sums up the past 5 years

2013+2014+2015+2016+2017

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It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

"Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

A woman goes to the doctor and she reluctantly tells him, "Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

The doctor looks puzzled for a moment and he writes her a prescription. "Pick this up at your local pharmacy, and come back in a week."

A week later she comes back and says, "Doc I don't thi...

A man is asked where he sees himself in 5 years while at a job interview

He replies his greatest weaknesses is listening

I've been using Vim for 5 years...

Mainly because I don't know how to exit it

Reminiscing my life 5 years ago

Was a bit of a loner, not that i kept to myself or anything like that, i just couldnt manage to make friends no matter how hard I tried.

My 24th birthday came and decided to go out
and celebrate, on my own of course.

Met some group of friends that night, we got along pretty well an...

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5 years ago I married my best friend.

Now my girlfriend is pissed but Dave and I thought it was hilarious.

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[NSFW]George and Sarah had been married for 5 years

George and Sarah had been married for 5 years. It was a failing marriage. George couldn’t do anything in bed to impress Sarah and never got her to orgasm. He tried everything. As a last ditch attempt, he went to a psychic named Roxanne.

George asked Roxanne how to surprise Sarah in bed and g...

5 years ago, I went to an important job interview

At the end of the interview, he asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

"Probably sitting at home all day playing video games." I told him.

Needless to say, I did not get the job but hey, look where we are now!

Trump wants to go to the moon within the next 5 years.

If everyone donates a dollar, we can shoot him up today.

Mario, Luigi, Peach met up for the first time in 5 years

It was a Wii Union!

I finished a puzzle the other day. It had "3 to 5 years" written on the box.

It only took me two weeks.

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually still fits!!!

So proud of myself.

It was a scarf. But still let's be positive here!!!

A joke by Max Millar that got him banned from the BBC for 5 years in 1944

"I met a beautiful woman on a mountain trail. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off."


Reference: QI, S18E01

My buddy spent 5 years in jail for something he didn’t do.

Run.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Sorry, but that’s the most insulting question someone ever asked me since I’ve gone blind five years ago.

I was in the military for 5 years;

I wanted to do 20, but then a war broke out

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 3 months in prison 5 years ago

He's yet to finish his sentence

I've always wanted to be a train engineer. I spent 15 years in engineering school, 10 years learning about train history, and 5 years learning how to operate a train.

I really thought I would've been trained by now.

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I was sitting here wondering "What kind of prostitute makes that much money in 5 years??"

And then I remembered, "Oh, right, a politician."

The puzzle that I got as a present said 3-5 years

I finished it in 20 minutes

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