UPJOKE

5 Year Jokes

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Why was the antivaxxers 5 year old crying?

Mid Life crisis

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

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My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.

I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.

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When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, “Next time dad, can you use a sponge?”

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

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5 Year Old's First Job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and
some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when
we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, ...

My 5 year old just got me with this one last night right before we fell asleep:

Him: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?

Me: Of course!

Him: Will you remember me in a week?

Me: Yes.

Him: Will you remember me in a month?

Me: Yes..

Him: Will you remember me in a year?

Me: Yes.

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?
...

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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years

I never knew he was a barber

My 5 year old son found videos meant for adults only...

...but he obviously couldn't understand the advanced calculus lectures from my university, so he stopped watching.

I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship

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A 7 year old and a 5 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 5 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 5 year old, agrees with enth...

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

5 year old son after reading a story of a king:

Son: Mom I also want 5 wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will dance and one will bath me.

Mom: And one will put you to sleep

Son: No mom, I will still sleep with you.

Mom's eyes filled up with tears and said "God bless you son, but who will sleep with your 5 wives?
...

Just ended a 5 year relashionship

Don't worry guys it was not my relationship

My 5 year olds joke

Why did the turtle cross the road

To get to the shell station

I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

She said: “in a mirror”



This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind

Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to ...

From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

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Last Christmas, I told my 5 year old nephew that pooping in your pants is just an accident and there’s no shame for an accident

But to this day that little fucker keeps teasing me about it.

A 5 year old boy asked his dad...

A 5 year old boy asked his dad - "Daddy.. what are those bumps on mommy's chest?"

The father, a bit uncomfortable at the question, decided his son was too young to learn about female anatomy.

"Those are mommy's balloons, son", said the father. "And when she dies, they'll float her up t...

After 5 years of repair work, I was happy to read that The Big Ben is working again.

Thanks to everyone that…worked around the clock.

A father sees his 5 year old son praying in the middle of the night

He finds it odd but listens closely to it. The kid was praying 'Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night granny, bye bye grandpa'. The father finds it weird but doesn't think much about it. The next day he hears that his father in law is dead. The father finds it abnormal but thinks that it is...

I just ended a 5 years long relationship

I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

My 5 year old made a joke: Why did Mommy take the school bus to school?

Because she was a kid.

I’m finally 5 years clean!

Having to get a shower every day has been hard - luckily, I’ve had my heroin addiction to help me through it.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was communist

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

Courtesy of my 5 year old god son: knock knock

Who’s there ?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Never mind it’s pointless

A man and his 5 year old son are out for a walk.

The kid stops next to an ice cream shop :
- Daddy , daddy can you buy me an ice cream?
- Sorry son but your mother only gave me enough money to buy 6 beers.

[OC] from my 5 year old foster kid tonight: Why did the Chicken cross the road?

To get to the oven slide.

A parent and their 5 year-old child are at the airport, waiting to board their plane.

They are looking out a window at various planes, when the parent asks the child, "Where do you think that plane is going?"

"Africa!"

"Oh, where in Africa?"

"To another airport."

5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me.

Both times she said no

I am teaching my 5 year old about good eating habits.

My 5 year old son has a bit if a sweet tooth. I decided to have a discussion that eating too much junk food and snacks will make him fat...

Fast forward to this afternoon, I was with my son in the bank lining up. Behind us, a pregnant lady with the big baby bump lines up.

Remembering t...

My 5 year old just came up with this one

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cucumber.
Cucumber who?
I’m gonna cut you open.

- ends in death stare -

“I’m 17 and have the body of a 5 year old”

My date: “prove it”
Me: *opens freezer*

I threw a boomerang 5 years ago

Today, I live in constant fear.

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Wait a minute, I can relax. It was made in china! Its not coming back!

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Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo...

They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie."

The son replies, "No, mom. I know ...

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Probably photos, reflective surfaces, things of that nature.

I keep hearing my accountant's disembodied voice wanting to check the last 5 years of my tax returns.

I think I'm having auditory hallucinations.

I hate when people ask me what I see myself doing in 5 years......

I don't have 2020 vision

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A 5 years old girl is walking alone through a remote country road

She is pulling a cow along using a rope. The priest is riding his horse in the opposite direction, and sees the unusual scene. Worried about a child so small walking by herself and dealing with such a big animal, he stops by her and asks:

"Hello, dear kid! What are you doing alone in such a r...

Did ya hear about the yoga instructor who got sentenced to 5 years for tax evasion?

“I can do that time standing on my head” he said.

From my 5 year old...

What is another name for a nose?

A double-barrel snot gun.

5 years of cake day without posting a joke...

I mean, I feel I dessert to do it this time.

Joke my 5 year old son told me

What did the cat say when it’s tail caught fire?

“This is the end of me!”

( found in a cat and dog joke book from the 90s but it was a perfect execution! )

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

Conversation with my 5 year old.

He's playing with his little Darth Vader helmet and puts it on my glass of water.

Me: Don't do that.

Him: Why not?

Me: You're going to make it taste like Sith.

Him: Wait! There's Sith on this?

I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone.

And I'm left with the maniac.

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My 5 year-old son caught me having sex with my wife.

He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"

"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.

"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."

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My 5 year old told me - "Dad, peacock has a bad word in it"

"So I'm just going to call it a cock."

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A woman and her 5 year-old son are taking the bus home.

It's late in the evening and their stop is the last one on the bus route. All of the other passengers have disembarked, so it's just the woman, her son, and the bus driver. The boy looks out of the window and sees scantily-clad young women standing on a street corner.

"Mommy," says the boy, "...

A man wastes 5 years of his life on Reddit...

It’s me. I’m the joke.

A 5 year old was asked to name any 4 sources of food

1. Plants
2. Animals
3. Uber Eats
4. Foodpanda

From my 5 year old. Knock knock...

Who's there?
Cow
Cow who?
Cows don't say "who", they say "moo"!

I was cracking up :) such pride

My 5 year old grandson came up with this joke, and didn't even realize it was funny and made sense: Why did the basketball player go to the bathroom?

Because he was dribbling. 😊

Not my joke but my 5 year old sister's

Mom is cooking up some mac and cheese for my little sis and says," Come get your macaroni and cheese."
To which my sister replies," I said I want mac and cheese, NO Caroni!"

My 5yr old sis is smarter than me

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

From my 5 year old: An eyeball walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, “I can’t serve you! Where’s your mouth?”

My 5 year old daughter came home from kindergarten...

Dad, how do you kill 2 giraffes with just one shot?
Me: no clue, how?
You shoot one in the ass, then the other will die from laughter.

Not gonna lie, that is the first joke she has told, which made sense (and made me chuckle)

Two students, both 5 year old kids are peeing inside the male toilet.

Boy 1: Hey, what's wrong with your pee-pee?

Boy 2: What do you mean?

Boy 1: It doesn't look like mine, why is there no skin thingy?

Boy 2: Oh, i was circumcised when i was 2 days old. The doctor removed the skin.

Boy 1: (Grimacing) Oww, was it painful?

Boy 2: Painf...

After 5 years of marriage

After 5 years of marriage the wife finds £7,500 in cash and 4 eggs on top of the wardrobe.
Intrigued she asked the husband the meaning of it.

Husband: Well since we got married I've put one egg up there for every time you annoy me.

Chuffed that in all of 5 years the husband had coll...

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It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

"Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

A woman goes to the doctor and she reluctantly tells him, "Doctor I haven't farted in 5 years."

The doctor looks puzzled for a moment and he writes her a prescription. "Pick this up at your local pharmacy, and come back in a week."

A week later she comes back and says, "Doc I don't thi...

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5 Year Old to Dad : Do you know what comes out of a virgin Pussy?

**Dad** : Jesus Christ !!

Who taught you all those bad words ?

Two 5 year old boys are in the hospital waiting to go into surgery. The first boy asks the other, "What are having done?"

"I'm having my tonsils taken out."

"Oh you're going to love it. I had that done last year and I got to eat ice cream for a week. Best week ever."

The second boy asks, "What about you?"

"Circumcision," the first boy replies.

The second boy responds, "I had that done when ...

My 5 year olds goto joke: What do you call a camel with 3 humps?

Pregnant.

A man is asked where he sees himself in 5 years while at a job interview

He replies his greatest weaknesses is listening

This joke pretty much sums up the past 5 years

2013+2014+2015+2016+2017

I've been using Vim for 5 years...

Mainly because I don't know how to exit it

A man had a 5 year old kid who is still yet to talk.

Then one day the kid talked and said "uncle". Next day his uncle died. A week later he said "aunt". Next day his aunt died. A week later he said "dad". Next day their neighbor died.

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

What's wrong with that 5 year old Ethiopian?

He's having a mid-life crisis

A very excited 5 year old shared this joke with me in class today

"Wha- what do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

a dinoSNORE !!!"


it made my day <3

A divorced father picks his 5 year old son up for their weekend together.

After they have lunch the father says “what do you want to do now, son?”

Kid says, “I want to go back to Sea World!”

“No, son, we’re not doing that.”

“Please”

“No”

“Pretty please?”

“No”

“Why not?”

“You just got here. I don’t feel like taking yo...

A joke from my 5 year old: "Know what really killed the dinosaurs? TNT!"

"That's why it's called Dino-mite!!"

A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten

A mom picks up her 5 year old girl from kindergarten. The girls gets into the car and says - "Mom, Timmy's wee wee is like a peanut!". The mother laughs and asks "why is it small?". "No" the girls answers, "it's salty"

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Father and his 5 year old Son are walking on their farm together...

The dad steps in dog poo and yells "SHIT!"


The son asks, "Daddy, what does shit mean?"


The father answers, panicking as he doesn't want to set a bad example, "Its another word for doormat"


The son is convinced and the dad breathes a sigh of relief.


Later...

Disclaimer: Original joke from an almost 5 year old.

What does a fat turkey say?

Wobble Wobble

My 5 year old son told me this one, I am still amazed: What do French Frogs eat?

French Flies

Reminiscing my life 5 years ago

Was a bit of a loner, not that i kept to myself or anything like that, i just couldnt manage to make friends no matter how hard I tried.

My 24th birthday came and decided to go out
and celebrate, on my own of course.

Met some group of friends that night, we got along pretty well an...

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5 years ago I married my best friend.

Now my girlfriend is pissed but Dave and I thought it was hilarious.

I just ended a 5 year old relationship

I really felt sorry for that couple.

Joke from my 5 year old daughter. I found it pretty funny!

Why didn't the underwear cross the road?

Because it got stuck in the crack!

A 5 year old boy was in kidney failure.

Dad: "Son, I'm sorry, but your kidneys aren't working anymore."

Son: "it's gonna be fine, dad."

Dad: "I know...we can start dialysis and get you on the donor list."

Son: "I was actually thinking about just asking for my adult knees early."

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[NSFW]George and Sarah had been married for 5 years

George and Sarah had been married for 5 years. It was a failing marriage. George couldn’t do anything in bed to impress Sarah and never got her to orgasm. He tried everything. As a last ditch attempt, he went to a psychic named Roxanne.

George asked Roxanne how to surprise Sarah in bed and g...

My 5 year old came up with this one...

"Eating mints? *(long dramatic pause)* That's cool!"

And he then proceeds to ROFL like it's best damn joke known to mankind.

5 years ago, I went to an important job interview

At the end of the interview, he asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

"Probably sitting at home all day playing video games." I told him.

Needless to say, I did not get the job but hey, look where we are now!

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A single mom and her 5 year old son...

are living in a small apartment. One day, the boy walks past his mothers room and notices that her door is slightly open. He peeks in and sees his mother standing in front of a mirror rubbing her hands all over her body. She is rubbing her breasts and her vagina and is moaning the words, "I want a...

My 5 year old's original joke

My son came up with this one. Clever, I thought.

What has one wheel, spins, but never moves?

A Ferris wheel.

5 year old cousin with this one: Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know

Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house?

Me: The red guy

Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house?

Me: The blue guy

Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house?

Me: The yellow guy

Her: Who lives in the white house?

[Now since ...

A mother takes a bath with her 5 year old boy

The boy sees her bush and asks, "Mommy what is that?" The mother, thinking quickly, simply says, "Why that's my sponge, sweetie." The boy then says, "Oh yeah! The babysitter also has one." Apalled, the mother asks, "How do you know something like that?" The boy responds with, "I know because I saw h...

Trump wants to go to the moon within the next 5 years.

If everyone donates a dollar, we can shoot him up today.

Mario, Luigi, Peach met up for the first time in 5 years

It was a Wii Union!

Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually still fits!!!

So proud of myself.

It was a scarf. But still let's be positive here!!!

I finished a puzzle the other day. It had "3 to 5 years" written on the box.

It only took me two weeks.

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Nasty Grandpa with 5 year old kid

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to hav...

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