UPJOKE

5 Second Jokes

Apparently screaming 5 second rule

Apparently screaming 5 second rule when eating out your girlfriend isn’t considered romantic when she falls off the bed.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

5 second rule. If it hasnt been 5 seconds no bacteria has been transferred.

So stop complaining ladies you could have gotten chlamydia.

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Dave and his missus were going for it one night when Dave suddenly froze for 5 seconds

‘What was that all about?’ asked Dave’s wife

‘It’s something I saw on Pornhub. It’s called buffering’.

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I can't stand people who always hold the power button for 5 seconds

It's just a major turn off.

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Most YouTube ads are only unskippable for 5 seconds, so they try to cram something surprising + the brand name in the first 5 seconds of the ad.

Hence you get ads that are basically Samuel L. Jackson screaming "Capital One, mothafucka!"

30 Seconds To Mars for only 5 Seconds Of Summer?

I'd better get my Nickelback or there'll Panic! At The Disco.

Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.

Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!

They say you’re not the same person you were 5 seconds ago, nor will you be the same person 5 seconds from now. I beg to differ.

5 seconds ago, I was browsing Reddit. 5 seconds from now, I’ll still be browsing Reddit, but somehow 2 hours will have passed.

5 SECONDS AGO!

What do we want?

TIME TRAVEL JOKES!

When do we want them?

When it comes to dropping food on the floor, I use the 5 second rule.

Only problem is I have 2 second dogs.

Somewhere in the world there us a lady giving birth every 1.5 seconds.

We've got to find this lady and stop her!

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...

She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

My dad told me most huge mistakes take only 5 seconds to occur

And there I was 9 months later

I just took an escalator that sent me to the 5th floor of the building in 5 seconds.

That escalated quickly.

A student arrives in class 5 seconds before the bell. What is his name?

Justin Time

My fat girlfriend demanded that for her birthday I get her something in the driveway that goes 0-200 in 5 seconds.

Apparently a scale wasn't what she was thinking.

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Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

For her birthday, my wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 in 5 seconds.

So I got her a weighing machine...

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A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said,

"Eight black men and a gun."

I was such a stud that I lasted 1 hour and 5 seconds in bed

Thanks Day light saving

For my birthday I wanted something that could go 0-200 in 5 seconds or less. My wife said she had the perfect gift idea

A bathroom scale wasn’t what I had in mind

My friend told me that if he held a stone against my arm for 5 seconds, when he released it the dent would stay there for ever. It didn't work,

I'm not impressed.

It's exhausting going down on waitresses...

I'm really tired of them asking "How's everything tasting?" 5 seconds in.

A cheap man dropped a penny from the fifth floor

When he came down to pick it up he couldn't find it and was about to go crazy.

5 seconds later the penny reached the ground.

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A woman comes home early from work to surprise her husband for his birthday.

She enters her house, walks up the stairs, and heads towards the direction of her bedroom. As she eagerly walks to her bedroom, her adrenaline was spiking, she was anticipating a very dirty night. She slowly opened the door and astonishingly, she saw two people on her bed covered with a blanket, wit...

It is January 2017, and Barack Obama is giving Donald Trump a tour of the White House...

... when they come across an outdoor running track in the courtyard.


Trump asks "Why is this here?" To which Obama explains that since Lincoln, the United States has been secretly tracking how fast Presidents can run one mile - averaging about 10 minutes. Trump thinks for a second and t...

Eating porridge I just dropped on the floor is fine

It's the 5 Second Gruel

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

90,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 20 or 25 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

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Guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "We have a challenge where if you complete these 3 steps you win 100 million dollars".

The guy says "oh cool, I'll enter, what are the steps?"

So the bartender describes what the guy must do. "The first step is to down a fifth in under 10 seconds".

*Not that bad* the guy thinks.

"Second," the bartender says, "you have to go into that room in the back. In the room...

My nickname is Snapchat....

My nickname is Snapchat because I only last 5 seconds and then disappear forever.

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What does a prostitute and a bungee jump have in common?

They both cost a lot, last 5 seconds, and if the rubber splits you're fucked.

A woman walks into a grocery store.

She heads to the produce aisle and sees a man stocking the shelves. “Excuse me where are your onions?”
“Ma’am we don’t have any onions today” the man replied.
“Nonsense, I know you have onions today” she replied.
“ ma’am we really don’t” he said again.
“ yes you do” was her response....

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An Irishman walked into a bar.

He saw a few guys sitting round a table. One of them was holding a pint. He gulped down half the cup, then spluttered and coughed it up.
The other guys laughed. "You lose!"

The Irishman approached the table and picked up the glass. "I'll show you how we do this in Ireland. Start the timer!...

School Projects are fun

A science teacher sent off his year 8 class with a homework task, come up witch a science experiment, and either film it to show to the class, or show the experiment in front of the class next week.

Tim went home and thought long and hard about what he would do, but he came in next week with ...

Due to the corona virus...

The 5 second rule has now been reduced to the 3 second rule.

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Covid shot

My girlfriend just got her first covid shot. I asked her how it went.

"It's just like having sex with you, i didn't feel it going in and was over in 5 seconds"

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