UPJOKE

30 Day Jokes

I'm 30 days clean now

Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it

If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face....

I haven't slept for 30 days!

I sleep at night instead.

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

I've been clean for 30 days.

Having depression makes it difficult to take of myself, but I've managed to shower and brush my teeth for 30 days in a row. Thankfully I have all this heroin to get me through it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've decided to stop masturbating as a test of willpower for the next 30 days.

Starting tomorrow.

What does Jeffery Epstein and me being offered 30 days of YouTube premium have in common?

We both skip the trial.

My doctor said I only had 30 days to live, so I killed him.

Lucky for me, the Judge gave me 30 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

A mysterious monk walked into the office of a powerful politician...

The monk said that he would offer words of important advice to the politician, in return for an amount of rice.

"How much rice?" - the politician asked.

"I want one grain of rice for the first square of a chessboard. I then want two grains for the second square. And then four grains o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine told me about a secret method to extending the penis

He told me the trick is to masturbate daily for 30 minutes, 30 days straight using grease for lube.

After the 30 days my dick did not only not grow, it shrank 2 inches. I was livid so I went back and asked him what the problem was.

"You did it for 30 minutes?" he asked.

"Yes"...

Dave’s military experience

Dave just got a promotion in the army, but unfortunately this new position put him at the forefront of bearing the bad news. After 30 days in service, he is informed by HR that John’s wife died, and he should inform him kindly of the event.
Next day at morning call, Dave goes :
-John, your wi...

God called on the Pope, Donald Trump, and Bill Gates, and told them,

"I called you together to let you know that I am tired of all the bickering, hate and violence in the world. You have 30 days to get things in order, then I am going to end the world. "

The Pope woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were ...

A very wealthy man on his deathbed

Called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar to his wife. But he had one condition, that his wife must remarry within 30 days. "Why? ", asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be atleast one person that regrets I died".

Did you hear John McAfee is accused of murder?

The trial will last 30 days

What's the difference between a camel and a Russian?

A camel can walk for 30 days without drinking but a Russian can drink for 30 days without walking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife gets kind of bitchy once a month.

It usually lasts about 30 days.

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges.

If they catch him, they estimate the trial could last 30 days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ole and Lena want to join the local church

So they go meet the pastor. The pastor says “This church very high standards for our members. In order for me to accept you as new members, you will have to prove you are worthy by abstaining from sex for 30 days”.

Ole and Lena look at each other and said “Ya, sure, vee vill give it a try”...

How do you tell a great joke?

Wait 30 days before you repost a popular joke.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

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