UPJOKE

30 Year Jokes

Max has been working as a garment cutter for over 30 years for the same small company.

He had never been late once. One day he shows up for work two hours late with blood running from his lip and nose. His clothes are a mess, he's limping terribly, and looks to be in a lot of pain.

The boss asks him, "So Max, why are you late?"

Max breathlessly answers, "As I was going...

I went to the Jail doctor who told me (age 62) that I had the body of a 30 year old...

I told them that I wasn't saying anything until I talked to my Lawyer.

Can’t believe the film Groundhog Day came out 30 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

Everywhere else in the world, a 30 year old women disappearing is called a missing person's case

In Hollywood it's called dying by old age

I heard R Kelly is appealing his 30 year sentence.

Said he is gonna try to swap it for two 15's

R.Kelly has decided to contest his 30 year prison sentence

He wants it reduced to something below 14 years .

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A man brings two ibuprofen and a glass of water to his wife of 30 years...

"What's this?" She asks.

"It's for your headache." He replies.

"I don't have a headache." She says.

"Oh good! So let's fuck" He replies.

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What does a tightrope walker have in common with a 30 year old man getting a blowjob from an 80 year old woman?

Neither one of them wants to look down.

Me talking to a potential date. “I am 30 years old and have the body of a 18 year old” Potential date: “Oh yeah? Prove it”. Me,

“I would but I really don’t want to walk over to my freezer right now”.

Judge : why did you kill your wife after 30 years of marriage

husband : because of procrastination, every day I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."

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A wife strips naked in front of her husband and says, "when I did this 30 years ago, what did you think?"

He replies, I was thinking I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out."

She asks "And what are you thinking now?"

"Looks like I did a good job."

My wife has stood by me for 30 years....

We only have 1 chair.

30 years into marriage and last night, my wife and I went at it like two youngsters. At the end of round one I've asked her - do want to go again?

She replied - why not?

I said : how does the 30th of may sounds to you?

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Cheers to me not fucking a single man in my 30 years of life!!

I only fuck married men.

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Today has been the best day of my life as I am no longer a 30 year old virgin!

I turned 31 today.

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Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.

Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,...

Been married 30 years and I always have the last words when arguing with my wife

“Yes, Honey.”

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee...

Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?

John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.

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Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested

Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested. Depspite bad confidence she headed to a pub on a Saturday night.

After a little while at the pub a handsome man stood by her and asked ”why do you look so sad?”. Well.. Said Emily, you see.. I’ts because I look like a newborn girl in the chest...

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A doctor has been doing circumcisions for 30 years, and he's collected all the foreskins. (NSFW)

He has them all in a box, and decides he should do something with them. He takes them to a taxidermist and asks him to make something out of them.

A few weeks later, he returns to the taxidermist, who pulls out a small box and sets it on the counter. The doctor opens the box and there is a wa...

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A 30 year old man has had a headache for 15 years

He goes to the doctor to see about it. His doctor says “I’ve only heard of this once before, the only solution was to cut off your penis”

The man says “oh wow, can I think it over for a couple days before the procedure”

The doctor says “of course”

The man goes home and thinks a...

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Did you hear about the 30 year old virgins' birthday party?

It was celibatory

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A 30 year old guy goes to the doctor for a check up

After running some labs and checking vitals, the doctor asks the patient some questions.

Doctor: How often do you drink?

Patient: I've never touched the stuff.

Doctor: What about tobacco use?

Patient: Never tried it. Never will.

Doctor: Do you use any recreation...

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After 30 years of marriage, I'm tells my envious friends that I still get sex almost every day..

Friends: no way!

Me: yup! Almost on a Monday.. almost on a Tuesday.. almost on a Wednesday.. almost on a Thursday, almost on a Friday, almost on a Saturday and almost on a Sunday!

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I'm losing my 30 year old virginity on Halloween.

I'm dressing up as a coconut.

In honor of the 30 year anniversary of the Challenger explosion. What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts

I remember 30 years ago with a dollar you went to the supermarket and went out with 2 sandwiches, 1 box of 6 beers and a pack of cigars.

Today, unfortunately, there are cameras everywhere.

It’s almost 30 years ago, whilst I was in the Army one night

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on h...

A man smokes a pack a day for 30 years

His wife, sick of it: do you realize that if you had saved all this cigaret money you could have bought a ferrari by now ?

The man answers: well where's your ferrari ?

As a 30 year old man, I can tell you that dating never gets any easier......

I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, and last night we had dinner at her parents house. Her Mother doesn't care for me, but her Father hates me; which is weird, because we used to play football together in high school.

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back.

-Lord Voldemort

It is 30 years today since the unlawful imprisonment of John Hugs!

Unfortunately my 'free hugs' campaign isn't going well right now.

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You build bridges for 30 years, no one calls you Bob the bridge builder.

You suck a dick ONE time!

I'm 30 years old and I finally made the decision to live alone...

I already left my parents' bags out of the house

If you get an loan at a bank, you'll be paying it back for the next 30 years

If you rob a bank, you'll be out in ten.

A Holocaust survivor dies 30 years after the war.

When he gets to heaven god asks him to tell a holocaust joke.
The Survivor proceeds to tell him one.
God says "That wasn't funny at all"
The survivor says "I guess you had to be there"


Stolen from somewhere recently, too good to not share.

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A married couple of 30 years are talking....

The wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

My town’s population has remained constant over the last 30 years.

Whenever a girl gets pregnant, a guy skips town.

3 men bump into each other after 30 years apart....

They begin catching up on what each one has been up to over the past 30 years.

First guy - I got married and moved to LA where I ran my own restaurant. One morning, I showed up for work only to find my restaurant engulfed in flames. The whole thing burned to the ground. Insurance paid me a f...

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A caretaker had been working at a church for almost 30 years

One day while the priest was doing confessions, he got a phonecall telling him that his father was dying and he needed to come to his bedside as soon as possible. Not wanting to let down the people needing confessions, he asked the caretaker to fill in. "You've been here long enough to know the dri...

After being married for 30 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ...... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks .... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh,...

30 years ago I asked the love of my life to go out with me, today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

It has been 30 years

Yet my kidneys haven't grown into adultneys

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years.

On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, t...

George Carlin, 30 years ago

"There was a Quasimodo look-a-like contest in the park today. Police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly."

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

It's been almost 30 years since my dad died and I think my mom should start seeing someone else...

...she just doesn't turn me on the way she used to.

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

It's the mail mans last day after 30 years of taking mail to the same neighborhood.

At the first door he came to, the family gave him $25 and wished him the best of luck for the future. This made him very happy.'

At the second door he came to, the family gave him $50 which made him happier.

At the third door he came to, there was a blonde in a silk night suit. She gra...

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35 year old me: In the 30 years I've been wiping my own ass, I've never quite gotten the hang of it.

My friend: wait...you didn't start wiping your own ass until you were 5?

Me: No I was 3, but that chick I dated for a while after my divorce had some weird kinks.

My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.

That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.

I've got an Ikea bookcase that's lasted me 30 years.

Granted, it was in pieces for 29 of those.

For 30 years I’ve made tools employing a chamber with a colored liquid and an air bubble, used to determine if a surface is perfectly horizontal. My wife says that’s not a career and that I’m a joke.

Yeah, well this joke has worked on so many levels.

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It was a mailman's last day on his route after 30 years.

He'd grown to know all the people on one particular street and felt a fondness for each of them. As he approached the first house, he delivered the mail and was greeted by a kind old woman who offered him a loaf of fresh bread and a tall glass of milk. He took the bread, drank the milk, and moved on...

My doctor said he's been practicing for 30 years...

So when is he going to start doing his job for real?

An old man has spent 30 years working for the railroad, punching tickets and being mean to everyone who crossed his path.

Finally it's discovered that he's responsible for a string of dozens of murders up and down the railroad line, at almost every stop, going back almost the whole 30 years of his career. He confesses to all of them and is quickly convicted and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day finall...

First dirty joke my dad told me, it's about 30 years old and I still tell it.

What's the difference between a lady in church and a lady in a bathtub?

The lady in church has hope in her soul.

I’ve been married for 30 years, but it only feels like 15 minutes ...

... underwater.

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A mailman retires after 30 years service and starts his route for the last time.

At his first house, Mrs Smith congratulates him on his retitrement, takes him upstairs and boffs his brains out.

Afterwards she takes him downstairs and sits him at the table which is made up with pancakes, bacon, eggs, coffee and a one dollar bill on the plate.

After starting to eat h...

Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator.

She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.

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A rabbi works for 30 years performing circumcisions

all the while keeping the "trimmings" in a jar. When he retires he brings this enormous jar to the leather tanner's and asks the tanner to make him something out of it, "anything!" The leather tanner tells him to come back in a week.

A week later the rabbi shows up, and the leather tanner sla...

The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the nearby town for the first time in 30 years.

As he's walking down the street he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky". Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Super...

A polar bear who lived in the North Pole for 30 years decided he had enough of the cold.

So he started his trek towards somewhere warmer.

He rode a fishing boat to Canada and tried his luck there, but it was still too cold.

So he tried his luck again in Florida, but it was too hot.

Finally, he went to Ecuador and tried his luck there, only to discover how warm it is...

After 30 years of unsuccessfully searching for a hat that actually looks good on me..

I realized I’m just ugly.

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A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked.

A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked. He asks, "honey, why are you standing there looking at yourself naked?"

She responds, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 35 year old"

Her husband responds, "hmm...

After 30 years of marriage, people always ask, "What's the secret of keeping the romance alive?" I always tell them...

We go to the same romantic restaurant every week, twice a week...

I go on Tuesday. She goes on Fridays.

Credit - Henny Youngman

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A man who has been in the police force for 30 years

A man who has been in the police force for 30 years decides to retire. He is tired of seeing the worst of society and moves out into the wilderness, 20 miles away from the closest other human life. The only interaction with the world he has is the boy who brings him his paper and groceries twice a m...

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A guy worked for 30 years at the same factory

He got off work at 3:30, and was home by 3:45 every day of his life. On Fridays, he came home and gave his wife his check.

One Friday he was walking towards his car, and one of his co-workers asked if he wanted to go out for a beer. He'd never been asked before, so he said, "Sure, why not?" ...

So this newly wed girl asks me how I've managed to be happily married for 30 years...

And I tell her the 25 years have been tough, but the last 5 have been amazing.

"Why" she asks.

"Because for the longest time my wife has been begging me to take her to Paris for our 25th anniversary, so when it came time I took her to Paris, smartest decision I've made, we've been happ...

What do you call a spouse of 30 years?

A stalemate.

A man had a song stuck in his head for 30 years

For thirty years, the same song played on repeat inside this mans head. Over and over again. Finally one day it suddenly stopped. His ears still slightly ringing, he sighed deeply and said "ahh, The Sound of Silence".

And then it was stuck in his head again..

After being found guilty of massive tax fraud and sentenced to 30 years in prison, a world renowned clairvoyant used his short stature to escape and is currently on the run from authorities.

The headlines read 'Small Medium at Large'

What do you call a guy stuck in the same job for 30 years?

A four term US senator.

A daughter and mother are talking.

"You're dating John, the neighbor?!", asks the mother. "He is 30 years older than you, it's-"

"But I love him!", she interrupts.

"What do you mean you love him, he could be your father!"

"I don't care about his age, he loves me too!"

"I think you misunderstood me."

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A priest and an atheist are golfing together…

From the tee, the atheist is playing a great game. He’s already under par and has a clear easy put for the first hole. He takes his shot and misses. “Damn! Missed the bugger!”

The priest is taken aback by the language, but lets it slide. At the next hole, again the atheist is set up for an ea...

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

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An old man in a nursing home looking out the window.

He's watching an attractive lady do some work in the garden. Suddenly a gust of wind comes and it blows her skirt up a little and he gets a peak at her underwear. Just then he starts pounding on his chest like a gorilla.
The nurse walks in the room and sees him and shouts "What the hell are you...

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A distraught woman answered the door…

DISCLAIMER: I heard this 30 years ago and was told this was a true story. Then I heard a comedian tell it 20 years ago. I have no idea what the actual origin is so haters kindly please step off. Lol

==========

The nighttime festivities at a neighborhood pub were winding down when the b...

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

The real husband

In King Solomon's court, two men and a woman stood before the king.

\- “This woman is my wife!" said the first man. “I married her 30 years ago!"

\- "No, she's my wife!” said the second man. “I married her 30 years ago, but this man just stole her from me!"

Solomon then turned t...

A woman was admitted to the hospital.....

for heart surgery. At this time, the Grim Reaper came and stood beside her. The lady said, "Am I going to die today? " Reaper said, "No. You'll live for another 30 years. "

The lady thought, "If I only live another 30 years, I may as well live lavishly. She got her teeth fixed, her hair trans...

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘doctor, my wife & I have been married 30 years, and have enjoyed a very active sex life up until now, but I can no longer get it up. I’ve tried every pill going, is there anything you can do?’

The doctor explains that there is an experimental surgery ava...

I was named after my father

30 years after him, more precisely

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

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A man walking his dog comes across an old man sat on a park bench sobbing

He walks up to him out of concern, and says "Is everything OK?".

The old man says "Well not really".

"What's wrong?" says the man?

"Well a couple of weeks ago, I married this 30 year old exotic dancer. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Every morning, she wakes me up...

A Chinese joke about the USSR

In the 1960s a Chinese student in Moscow get upset with the system. Therefore walks up to red square and shouts: "Khrushchev you are a lier! Khrushchev you are a traitor! Khrushchev you are an idiot!" The man get's arrested right on the spot and put into prison. Even though the Chinese government se...

Four men were stranded on a small island after surviving a shipwreck

20 year old, 30, 40 and a 60 year old.

After a short while they noticed another island nearby with many beautiful, naked women walking about.

The 20 year old said: "let's swim over there", swiftly jumped in the water and off he swam fast towards the other island.

The 30 year ol...

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

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Having a great round of golf

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.


On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor in the local ER noti...

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

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A boy and his balloon

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for...

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The pragmatic wife

After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice hou...

You’re Up Next Soldier

While posted to Germany in 1987 I was a Cpl in the Canadian Army. I had been selected to attend a Combat Leadership Course.
One of the first things we were required to do was stand in front of our peers in a classroom and give a brief blurb on ourselves.
The course Warrant Officer said “Righ...

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s disc...

Larry, Moe and Joe die and go to heaven

At the pearly Gates, St Peter tell them well since you were overall good people I’ll let you into Heaven however all your Heavenly possessions will be based on how faithful you were to your spouses. Let’s start with you Larry: in 20 years of marriage you cheated on your wife Jennifer 5 times, that m...

A man and his family walk into a bar...

Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory". The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true. The child asks "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?" The Native American states "eggs." The child s...

A fairy once appeared and told a family couple

"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But u...

A 60 year old man named Bill goes to get his physical.

When his doctor is finished, he shakes his head. "Bill, you're a 60 year old man, you have the body of a guy in his 40's. You're in better health than most patients I see. I have to ask - how old was your dad when he died?"

"WHAT?", Bill bellows, "Who says Dad's dead?" The doctor starts t...

Bob is about to celebrate his 30th anniversary

Bob wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night he emailed her, but misspelled the address, and it goes to a recent widow.

The next day, the wido...

A guys mother in law comes to live with him

One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad new...

A man and a leprechaun

Disclaimer: This is a Russian joke which I am translating after a few too many glasses of wine.

A man walks into a washroom. Lo and behold, he sees a leprechaun doing his business.
The guy is elated, he grabs the leprechaun  and exclaims "Aha! I got you! Now you have to grant me a wish". ...

The Wife, the Husband and the Genie

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.

Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.

When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.

The wife wished for a...

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

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A wife gets instructions from her husband's doctor

Doc: Ma'am, your husband can live a long life, but you have to follow a set of instructions. First, you have to cook his favorite meals, depending on his requests. You'll also have to drive him anywhere he needs to go, and he should get lots of activities. Movies, sport events, you name it. If he pl...

husband's funeral

A woman goes to her husband's funeral and bursts out laughing. People ask her why she's laughing? And she replies: We've been married 30 years, and this is the first time I know where he's going

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Three couples are looking to join a new church.

They all talk with the pastor, who gives them all a test.

"If you can abstain from having sex until next Sunday, then I'll let you join my congregation," he says. "I want to see how well you can stand up against temptation."

All three couples agree that it's a fair test, and they promi...

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Two Croats and a Serb get on a plane.

They're seated next to each other the Serb having the aisle seat.

He gets comfortable for the flight and takes his shoes off, when one of the Croats says:

"Fuck, I'm thirsty, I could use a coke," he starts to get up, when the Serb interrupts him.

"No, no, no. Sit down, we're bro...

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