UPJOKE

20 Years Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 20 years of marriage

After 20 years of marriage, the wife finds out that her husband has been using a strap on dildo to fuck her their entire marriage.

Angry about this, she confronts her husband. “What’s with the dildo?”

Calmly he replies, “What’s with the kids?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

R Kelly sentenced to another 20 years…

Bet he’s pissed.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years.

Then we met.

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An husband comes home to his wife of 20 years

Husband: Darling, I’m home and I brought you some aspirins.

Wife: But I don’t have a headache.

Husband: Then let’s fuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

A Jewish man is stranded on an island for 20 years

He is finally rescued by a team, and he insists on showing them the life he’s built for himself there. They come across a small clearing with a bunch of makeshift buildings.

He points to the closest one, “That’s my home.” He continues to point to the other buildings as they walk by.

“T...

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was *your* mother.”

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

After 20 years of dating an Archaeologist, it’s finally over

She was always digging up the past.

20 years ago...

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

God please don't let Kevin Bacon die!

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"

The wife turned around and stripped naked.

The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week..

I've been married to my wife for 20 years this week and I've finally found the G Spot..

Turns out her sister had it all along.

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a fucking scarf."

20 years

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watche...

My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer.

All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings.

"This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask a...

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

If you robbed a bank. You wouldn't have to worry about rent, food, or any bills for about 20 years.

If you get busted for it ,or not.

Married couple after 20 years

The couple goes to a psychologist because after 20 years of marriage the man is depressed ...
Gets them a young and beautiful psychologist and when asked what his problem is, he pours out a long and detailed list of what he had to endure in his 20 years of marriage:
Lack of attention, lack o...

I know a couple for 20 years, and I’ve never seen them smile or laugh at each other.

They are …..in a very serious relationship.

My doctor said he’s been practicing medicine for 20 years…

I asked him when they’re gonna let him do it for real.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Turns out my wife of 20 years is a horrible racist!

Last weekend I brought my black girlfriend over for dinner and my wife told her to get the fuck out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

S&M after 20 years of marriage

she sleeps while you masturbate

A man's wife died after 20 years of marriage

His best friend comes check on him 2 days after the funeral:
- I brought you some lasagnas as I am sure you did not cook this week. I hope you can at least get some sleep... Do you sleep well?
- yeah, I sleep like a baby.
His friend is astounded:
- really?
- yes literally, I sleep one...

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session,...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mailman is working his last day on a route he's been doing for 20 years

He gets to the first house and a man greets him at the door with a very expensive bottle of wine and thanks him for his service. He arrives at the next house and is greeted by the entire family with a box of Cuban cigars and everyone wishes him a happy retirement.

He arrives at the third hous...

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.

The second best time was 20 years minus one Planck time ago.

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer.

So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

John and Mary decided to go shopping together in the city for the first time in 20 years.

John and Mary decided to go shopping together in the city for the first time in 20 years. When they arrived in the downtown area where all the stores were, John said "How about we go our separate ways for a bit, and I'll call you in a while."

Mary amused herself window shopping for a couple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mailman is working his last day after 20 years of faithful service to a neighborhood.

When he delivers the mail to the first house, the man comes out, hives him some fine cigars and says "So long, I'm really going to miss you."
When he goes to the next house, the woman there comes out and gives him a bottle of fine wine. She too is very sorry to see him go, and tells him she'll mi...

After 20 years, I finally managed to teach rodents how to dance.

When I asked my colleagues what they thought, all they had to say to me was, "Conga rats."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor because he’s been having headaches for the last 20 years.

The doctor performs a thorough examination and tells him his diagnosis. “The only way to cure your headaches is castration.” The man is taken aback, but, because he has kids and it tired of the headaches, he decides to go through with the procedure. It works, and his headaches are gone for the fi...

My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

A man is sent to gulag for 20 years

The guards ask: what did you do?

The man replies: Nothing

The guard angrily shouts: Liar! for nothing you get only 5 years

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

When I was a kid 20 years ago, you could go to a convenience store with $5 and come out with what seemed like half of it.

Today you can't, because there are cameras.

I am 20 years old with a 60 years olds body

Any suggestions on burying a body

An innocent joke I remember from a radio show or CD from about 20 years ago.

A little boy answered the phone one day. The caller, surprised to hear the young voice says, "Hi, is your mommy or daddy home?".

"Mommy is busy."

"Okay, is your daddy home?" The caller asks.

"No, daddy is busy."

"Okay," says the caller. "Is anyone else there?"

"The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been a bookkeeper for the past 20 years ...

... and the librarian is *pissed*.

I've been married 20 years.

I still keep my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out her picture. And it comforts me knowing if I can put up with this psycho, I can survive anything.

My neighbours have been married 20 years

Unfortunately, I've heard them have the same argument a lot lately


Him: You're cheating! Don't deny it, I can see through your behaviour!


Her: Well you beat me all the time, and I've had enough!


Maybe they should play something other than Monopoly...

I Introduced my 20 years younger gf to my family and everyone hated her...

Maybe my wifes birthdayparty was not the right time afterall

Going 20 years sober on January 5th!

It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January. I drink on all of the other days.

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Well after 20 years of marriage, my wife caught me cross dressing and unfortunately its over....

So i packed up her clothes and left.

What are you stealing?

I worked at a factory making furniture. Every night I would leave the gate with a wheelbarrow full of sawdust and every night the factory guard checked through the sawdust as I left, looking for what I might be stealing… but I was too cleaver, he never found anything!

After 20 years, the guar...

Judge: I hereby send you to prison for 20 years.

Me: Your Honour couldn't you consider shortening the sentence.
Judge: I send you to prison for 20 years.

The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A different couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The wife says, "what did you think the first time you saw me naked?"

The husband answers, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out."

The wife strips naked. "What do you think now?"

"It looks like I did a damn good job."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My fallback joke that I've been telling for about 20 years at this point.

A teacher isn't seeing much engagement in her class so, she decides to get the students more involved she offers up a proposition.

She tells all of her students that every Friday she is going to ask a "Question of the Day", if the students can get it right they can take the day off of school ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's between a pair of 60 years old boobs that isn't between a pair of 20 years old ones ?

A pussy!



Source - one of the comments from a different post

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So fucking proud of myself! Yesterday I wore something from 20 years ago, and it fit!

What a great scarf!

I've been driving for 20 years

And I still haven't seen any fast children at play

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

I didn’t believe it when I read that the cast of “Friends” are reuniting after 20 years.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

A guy was in high school for 10 years. He must have been really stupid, but not as stupid as the guy who was there 20 years.

The longer you go to high school, the dumber you are. Thats why I never went.

What’s born with 8 legs, walks on 4 at 2 years old and then only 2 at 20 years old?

George Weasley

20 Years down the line, the truth about Jefferey Epstein will come out

His name was spelled Epstain the whole time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is sexy now that wasn't 20 years ago ?

A 22 year old.

Monica Lewinsky said it 20 years ago and she said it again this year

Hillary Clinton wasn't the right person for the job.

Science is progressing in leaps and bounds. In 20 years...

...we'll definitely have better smartphones.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

A Banana has been sentenced to 20 years in jail

After 10 years, he asks for an appeal

As a doctor, I've had a private practice for 20 years. But I'm quitting...

I just don't have the patients for it anymore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My great Grandpa Randy was a brick layer...

He said, "I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.'

Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'

But you fuck just one goat.

What do you say to a man whose wife of 20 years has stopped nagging and complaining?

I am sorry for your loss.

A man on trial for murdering his wife of 20 years.

Judge: "Why did you kill your wife after 20 years of marriage?"
Defendant:"Laziness, your honor."
Judge:"What do you mean"
Defendant:"Well, I kept procrastinating it"

Even Though it's been 20 years since my Grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi

It's still pretty raw

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.