UPJOKE

2 Pound Jokes

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!

Just invest in the British stock market

Did you hear about the messenger who murdered someone with a 2.2 pound weight?

He said he was just delivering a killergram.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are working together on a job site

The man realizes he forgot to grab his 2 pound hammer and he and the woman are too far away from each other to understand what either of them are saying, so he tries to signal her.

To represent his need for the 2 pound hammer, he points at his eyes, makes a number 2 with his fingers and a wav...

What's What?

A man walks into a butcher and asks for "Two pounds of Turkey, one pound of Salami and three pounds of what's what." The butcher replies, " I can give you the first two, but I've never heard of what's what." The man replies, "OK" and left.

The man walks in the second day and says "Three poun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stupid Dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then? " he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog. " As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a...

An atmosphere walks into a bar

With 0.2 pounds per square inch left over.

A guy walks up to a fruit stand

He orders 2lbs of apples.

The owner puts some apples in a bag, bites down on the handles, and bobs his head a couple times and says “2 pounds here you go”

Guy: “No way! Are you sure? How do you know?!”

Owner: puts the bag on the scale, it’s 2lbs on the nose. “It’s a talent that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smartenin' pills

This little kid Jimmy was frustrated, because every day as he walked to school with his lunch, the big bully Buster would stop him and ask him what he had for lunch. Then he would take the lunch and eat it!

So one day Jimmy decided he had enough, he had to do something about this. Now his A...

M&Ms

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them breaks and splinters....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sven and Ole

Sven is sitting on his porch one day, enjoying the morning Norwegian frosted air, when he sees his neighbor Ole coming down the road.

Ole has his hands lightly cupped together as if he's holding a delicate insect from escaping.

Sven pipes up and hollars "G'mornin Ole! what's that ya go...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.