UPJOKE

2 Men Jokes

2 men go hunting, one of which for his first time

They’re walking 10 meters apart or so, when they new hunter hears a sound and quickly turns & excitedly fires his rifle, just barely missing his friend.

“Good God man, be careful!” the friend yells.

“Oh man, I’m sorry!”

But no more than a few minutes later he does it again...

2 men discussing why they joined the army....

"I'm not married and I like war, so I joined the army." says the first man.

The second one replies, "I'm married and I like peace."

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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

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2 men at an airport.

2 men at an airport. 1st man says,
"I can't find my wife." 2nd man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?" 1st man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?" 2nd man says, "Fuck her we'll look for yours.

2 Men make a bet to see who can throw the most meat.

The steaks were high.

2 men walk into a bar.

2 men walk into a bar.



You would of thought the 2nd would have seen it coming.

2 men are out fishing and each wanted a cigarette. They had 3 cigarettes, but no lighter. How did they light their cigarettes?

>!they threw one cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter!<

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Out of a 100 CIA initiates, a woman and 2 men are the only ones still remaining after a tough initiation program.

The 3 still have to perform one ultimate test to be fully initiated into the CIA.

The first man is being called by the CIA chief.
"Sir" the chief says "It is time for your final test, a test to prove you will follow orders under any circumstances"
"Right here I have a loaded gun" he con...

2 men walk into a bar

One of them shouts out "Everyone, drinks on me tonight." People are happy and they ask him what's the special occasion. He replies, me and my friend solved an extremely difficult puzzle in just 3 months. The people are like, "Damn that sure must have been an extremely hard puzzle." "You bet" says th...

What if I was to kill 2 men with a ladder?

Would I be causing co-ladder-al damage?

Saw a little kid getting bashed by 2 men on the street, so I stopped to help.

He didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us

2 men go hunting in the bush

As they were stalking an elk, a snake bit the first man. The second man freaked out and shot the snake. He then proceeded to call 000.

"000, what's your emergency?"

"Help! A snake bit my friend and I think he's dead!"

"Ok, we need to be sure if he's dead. Can you do that for me?...

2 men are stranded in the desert, dying of thirst.

As they walk with all hope lost, one of them spots a well in the middle of the desert.

'Look, a well!' - said the first man

'There is no way that well has water... ' - replied the second man

'We should check if it has water. Look, let's drop that rock into the well to check whet...

2 Men drink in a bar

after they had a few beer they noticed, that they don't have money.

ONe of them had a plan: "Here, take the sausage and put it in your zip of your pants. The other guy did it and Man 1 begins to suck the sausage. The Barkeeper sees it and throw them out. Without asking for the money.
...

2 men are out on a golf course and the first man is about to tee off.

He lines up his shot, starts his backswing, but just before he he swings a funeral procession drives by on the road beside them. He immediately stops and kneels, and closes his eyes in a display of solemn respect until the procession goes by. Then he gets up and starts to tee off again. But the othe...

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2 men visits a prostitute

First guy went into the bedroom, came back out 10 minutes later disappointed
Second guy asked "What's wrong?" First guy says "She's not even worth it, even my wife's better than that." The second guy wanting to go a round for himself, walks into the bedroom. Shortly after 10 minutes, the second ...

2 men are talking about going to the pub.

- I am telling you, this is the best place in town.

- Okay, how long to go there and back?

- 60 minutes.

- Is it that far?

-No, it's 10 minutes away, only coming back is the tricky part.

2 men exploring find a bat in a cave...

Decide to go back and play baseball

2 MEN DIED LAST WEEK PLAYING ZELDA GAMES

I think there might be a Link between them

2 men are out golfing

A funeral procession goes past and one man takes off his hat watches it go by and puts his hat back on and continues playing

The other man says "that was really respectful man I'm impressed"

The man replies "hell we were married 50 years it's the least I could do"

2 men were lost in the desert

Their car broke down and they were wandering for hours. It's midday and the sun was scorching hot. They're lost, hungry and their throat were parched. In the distance they saw a huge mosque.

Man 1: Let's pretend to be Muslims and they'll give us food and water.

Man 2: You go ahead and...

2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.

Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"

Man 2: "Yup."

Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."

Man 2: "Cool."

Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"

Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."

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[nsfw] 2 men at the bar

2 men at the bar sit and talk about mariage and sex.

1st man: So do you ever take your wife in the other hole to spice things up?

2nd man: are you crazy??? I would risk getting her pregnant!!!

2 men are sitting in a bar.

1 man says: smart people doubt everything. Only stupid people are certain about things! His friends asks him: are you sure about that? He answers: absolutely!

2 men are robbing an apartment...

...when they hear sirens outside the building.

"We need to jump!" says the first man.
The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"

"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.

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2 men and their thirst for extreme!

2 men are standing on the ledge of a cliff... One man has a Budgie on his shoulder and the other has a parrot on his shoulder and a gun attached to his hip.

The first man with the Budgie, jumps off the cliff and as he falls the Budgie immediately flies away. The man plunges to the ground, mir...

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2 men are at a bar ontop of the empire state building

* Man 1 looks to Man 2 and says;
* "You see that window over there? It's magical; if you jump out of it you can fly!"
* Man 2 says, somewhat tipsy, "Noooo you can't, you have to show me for me to believe you."
* Man 1 says "Ok" and goes to the other side of the room, takes a running star...

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A bus stops and 2 men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two a...

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A police officer on a bike route sees 2 men arguing.

The officer slows down to observe, and to see if the argument would become violent. The 2 men are bitter, and get louder by the minute. Suddenly, they both reach into their pockets. The first man pulls out some sodium chloride and throws it at the second man, while the second man get a 9 volt and 2 ...

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2 Men Are Walking Down The Street Late At Night...

The street is full of pubs on both side. One man turns to the other.

''You want to get a drink?''

''Yeah, sure. D'you have any money on you?'' He looks in his pocket for a bit, and takes out a £5 note.

''I've got this, but it won't be enough to get us drunk.''

''That's fi...

2 men meet as ghosts after death.

The first man asks the second man, "How did you die?"

The second man replies, " I froze to death, and you?"

The first man says, " I had a heart attack."

The second man asks, "how could that have happened?"

First man says," I was gardening outside my house and heard an un...

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So 2 men are caught doing drugs...

When they are brought to court, the judge says to both of them, "Return in 2 weeks, if both of you are able to convince 100 people that drugs are bad, I'll let you off going to prison and instead you'll do community service."

The 2 men go off and return in 2 weeks. The Judge goes to first man...

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2 men are lost in the desert...

They were arguing in the desert heat over who was responsible when they pondered across a lamp. "Hey, maybe its a genie lamp that will grant us wishes! Quick, try rubbing it!" *the first man rubs the lamp and a magical genie appears*

Genie: Thank you for releasing me! I will grant each of yo...

Why did Michael Jackson call Boys 2 Men?

He thought they were a delivery service

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2 men walk into a corner shop,

one of them dressed like a clown the other in a plain ski mask. They go to the counter and say

"Empty the till, no one needs to get hurt!"

The clerk complies with all comands given to him. Just as they're about to leave the clown drops his trousers and takes a shit on the middle of the...

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2 men in a bar

2 men are in a bar and then 1 of them says "did you know because of how high we are you can jump out of a window and the wind will blow you back in!" the other guy says "go on try it then." so then the 1st guy proceeds to do so and go's back in. Then the 2nd guy is stunned so he proceeds to do it an...

2 men walked into a bar

The third one ducked

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2 men are talking about Freudian slips...

... one says to the other, "I made the worst Freudian slip the other day. I was trying to buy train tickets from this beautiful female conductor. She had these really huge breasts, so I meant to say 'I would like two tickets to Pittsburgh', but instead I said, 'I would like two pickets to Titsburgh....

2 men are in the bathroom. One is seen running in, the other leaving. What are their nationalities?

Russian and Finnish!

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.

They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.

After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
...

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There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.   Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.   The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new E...

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

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