UPJOKE

15 Second Jokes

Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.

Someone is shot every 15 seconds in the US.

How is that person still alive?

Enter job interview . Interviewer asks infamous question "what is your greatest weakness in the workplace?" Pause for 10 to 15 seconds then say "I'm bad with awkward silences "

If the don't laugh then pause again and say "sometimes my jokes aren't well received " problem solved

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

For about 15 seconds last night, the guy in the apartment next to me REALLY wanted it to snow…

I could hear him yelling over and over *”Please snow! Please snow!”*

I bought a treadmill and use it for 15 seconds a day every day.

It says right on it in big letters to stop using if you get shortness of breath.

What’s the difference between necrophilia, and choke fetish’s?

Eh, about 15 seconds.

I just spent 15 seconds looking for my phone

With my flashlight app.

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An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Austr...

“It’s no good, it’s over” said Julie. “You are so bad in bed.”

“Oh come on,” said the man affronted, “how can you tell
after 15 seconds?”

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

My girlfriend keeps telling me I should make a TikTok

Because I’m really good for about 15 seconds.

I’ll see my way out.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

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A big, burly, 6’10” 283lb guy walks into a bar carrying a brown box...

Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.

He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it to everyone around. Then t...

Dave was struggling with his parrot that was constantly using bad language, so he sought help from the vet.

“Every time the bird swears," said the vet, "Put it in the freezer for 15 seconds.”

Dave decided to follow the advice, and after trying it for the first time, found the parrot shivering and apologetic when he took it out of the freezer.

The bird said, "I'm sorry for all the bad langu...

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A man enters a bar and sees a jar with money

He speaks with the bartender

Man:"That's a big filled jar you got there. What is it for?".

Bartender:"We got a horse in the back that is really down at the moment, so we tried to cheer it up but it didn't work. Anyone can try by adding $1 to the jar and if you get the horse to laugh yo...

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A manager has two great employees...

A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds...

A chemistry professor was taking the first class for a new batch of students who just joined the college.

So, he made all of them stand infront of a table that had a beaker with some liquid in it.

"Observation is very crucial in Chemistry.. the more you observe, the better you can learn", he said as he dipped his left index finger into the beaker containing the liquid.

After 15 seconds, he...

A Norwegian, a Finnish and a Swedish man were in front of a cave

The Norwegian man says "I bet I can go there and be at least 10 seconds." and goes to the cave, comes out and says "I couldn't be there for that long, the bear was too scary.

"I bet I can be there at least 20 seconds." the Swedish man says and goes in too, but comes back after 15 seconds. "Th...

What kind of people are the fastest readers?

9/11 victims. They go through 90 stories in 15 seconds

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

Knock knock?

Whose there?

A little old lady

....

A little old lady who?

...

I didn't know you could yodel!

Credit does to Google voice assistant. I sheer shock had me laughing for a solid 15 seconds.

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So a Swede, a Norwegian and a Finn ...

decide to have a contest who can make the misus scream the longest after climax.

The Swede gets 15 seconds of passionate screaming and moaning.

The Norwegian gets a whole minute of moaning and screaming.

The Finn wipes his dick in to curtains and the wife screams for two weeks.

How can you tell if somebody's run a marathon?

Wait 15 seconds, they'll tell you.

An American, a Mexican, and a Russian are riding a train

They decide to have a wager on who's the best burglar, the rules being the lights go down and the person steals as much as they can without getting caught in the amount of time the lights are down on their turn.

The Mexican goes first, the lights go down, and they come back on one minute late...

Doctor: sir I have two bad diagnoses for you...

Doctor: sir I have two bad diagnoses for you, one is that you have worst diarrhoea I have ever seen.
Patient: what's the other one then?
Doctor: you also have very bad amnesia, you can't remember anything from last 15 seconds.
Patient: well at least I don't have diarrhoea.

A young man walks into a bar. An Eastern-European man is bartending.

The young man sits down next to another customer and orders at the bar.

“Sir, can I have a Bloody Mary?,” he asks.

“Sure,” says the bartender in a thick accent.

15 seconds later, the bartender sets down the man’s drink. The man notices it’s missing the lemon.

“This guy ...

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Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said "today I am going to give you a letter and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter."

So the teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say asshole so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple."

"Very good" the teacher replied. "Okay, how about the letter B"

Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and s...

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When does your wife totally freak out?

So, three gents were hanging out at a bar and started to talk about what makes their wives totally freak out...



The first says: "I bang her in all these different positions, but when I take her from behind and rub her tits at the same time, she totally freaks out!"



The ...

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Want to go camping?

A man approaches his wife and asks "hey babe, you want to go camping this weekend? It'll be real fun!"

She groans loudly and makes it quite apparent she doesn't want to go with him.

He says "well if you don't want to go camping, I want anal, or a blowjob."

She grunts and says "...

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So this general contractor...

Is working on the 5th floor of a new apartment complex, he takes a measurement then goes to his tools for his handsaw, only to see that it wasn't with his stuff. After looking around the floor a bit he steps onto the half-built balcony to look down at his truck. Lo and behold, his handsaw is sitting...

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being young and naive falling for the one you believe to be your soulmate and spending so much time and effort to get in a relationship with them and when it finally happens you are happy but your partner isn’t, but they don’t actually show it, and it gets to the point where you are now married and ...

The Potty

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and h...

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