UPJOKE

10 Mile Jokes

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I'm training for a marathon by running 10 miles every day in my basement.

I'll run rings around my opponents.

I rode my unicycle for 10 miles today

When I got home it wouldn't stand up on it's own.

It was one tired bike

I ran 10 miles today.

Surprisingly hard when you're carrying 25 pounds of cocaine.

I ran over 10 miles today

Now that I think of it, ten miles was a bad name for a dog

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

You have to wonder about the people who go 10 miles below the speed limit.

How did they get so far underground?

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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

A man was driving in a very rural area.

Suddenly he saw a sign, "St Mary's Convent and Brothel, All Welcome, 10 miles."

He was very surprised, and when he saw the St Mary sign, he turned of and stopped in the parking lot.

He knocked on the door, and an elderly nun opened it. He said, "I am here for the brothel." The nun jus...

Today a strange stranger chased me for 10 miles. which made me think

whats so precious in her purse?

It's good to keep healthy. My gran started walking 10 miles a day when she was 50...

...she's 80 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Wife is getting fat so the husband tells her she needs to start walking 10 miles a day...

...because in a month she'll be 300 miles away.

I was driving on the highway and seen a sign that read "Next Rest Area, 10 Miles"

That's a pretty big rest area

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

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Some asshole thought that he could cut lanes and drive over the limit because he had a fancy and expensive vehicle. So I slowed him down 10 miles below the limit

Fucking Ambulances, I swear

An old man dies and goes up to heaven

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only one guy in t...

Useless

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an ...

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[NSFW] Joke I found in a vintage porno from the 1930's.

So this is a simple time where men are men and women are women.

Tommy is on a date with Stacy and takes a long detour 10 miles outside of town. He propositions her for sex, and if she doesn't put out she can walk home.

Stacy walks home.

A second date happens as Tommy proceeds to...

A blonde, a brunette, and a ginger are on an island

They decide to swim the hundred miles back to shore, the ginger makes it 10 miles, the brunette swims 25 miles, and the blonde swims fifty miles, realizes it’s too far and swims back.

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were stranded on a desert island....

The brunette was a very intelligent woman and was able to figure out using her years of mathematical know-how, that it was 20 miles to the nearest shore and she thought she could swim it.

So off she went and made it out 5 miles and got exhausted and drowned.

After a few days the redhea...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are escaping prison

After somehow dodging the security guards, they make it out of the prison. However, they are on an island and still have to swim 10 miles to be free.

They all swim away, but after 1 mile the brunette gets exhausted and turns back, saying she can't make it the whole way.

2 miles later ...

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.

As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

“Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, a...

So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter

The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.

End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.

Second day newbie comes back to the shop at th...

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Theres a wrestler training for the Olympic games.

Trainer trained him hard. Ran 10 miles a day. The day of the Olympics came and he was in amazing physical condition. First guy he had to fight was a German. He beat him. Next was an Australian beat him, the French beat them.

Last guy he had to fight was a great big hairy Russian. The co...

Sisters of Mercy Brothel

A man is in middle of long, boring drive when he sees a sign on the side of the road that says "Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 50 miles".
He's a little taken aback and thinks he read it wrong, and he keeps driving.
Am little while later he sees another sign, "Sister of Mercy Brothel, 10 miles"....

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on an island...

They know civilization is only 50 miles away. The redhead decides she’s going to swim for it. She swims out 5 miles, gets tired and drowns.

Then the brunette decides to try. She swims 10 miles out, gets tires and drowns.

Finally the blonde decides to try her luck. She swims 25 miles ou...

I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.

There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,

"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""

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Stormy night

This bloke was driving down a country lane at night in the pouring rain when his car brakes down. He can see nothing around except a little farmhouse. He walks up to the door and knocks. A little farmer answers the door and asks if he can help. "My car has broken down and I need to use a phone. Can ...

A Navy man, a Army man and an Airforce man try to figure out who is the best soldier ...

Army man starts: "I once jumped out of an aircraft 30 feet above ground and ran 5 miles to our camp."

Navy man: "That's nothing. I once jumped out of an aircraft 60 feet above the ocean and swam 10 miles to our camp."

Airforce man: "I once flew an aircaft to our camp, landed it safely ...

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Some bloke got into my taxi today.

After 10 miles we arrived at his destination and I said, "That's £20 please."

He said, "I've only got £10."

"That's bullshit" I said, "It's £20!"

He said, "Can you turn around and take me back 5 miles the other way?"

So I did.

When we got there I said, "That's £30 ...

Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck

Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck, a redhead, brunette and a blonde. The nearest civilization was a 40 mile swim away. The redhead swam 10 miles and drowned. The brunette swam 15 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 20 miles, became exhausted and decided she wouldn't be able to ...

A blonde, a Brunette and a Red Head were stranded on an island....

The island was 50 miles from the mainland and the girls all thought they might be able to swim back, so they all jumped into the ocean.
After about 10 miles, the Brunette said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And she drowned.

After about 25 miles, the Red Head said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And...

Spy

A spy is getting instructions for his mission: “You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will...

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4 Soldiers around a Campfire.

(Not sure if this was done already but I heard this in boot camp. If I fucked it up I’m sorry.)

There are 4 soldiers sitting around a fire.

A Green Beret, A Navy Seal, a MARSOC Gunner, and a Delta Operator.

The MARSOC Gunner looks around for sec, then says “I once killed 20 men ...

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A Drive in the Country

A man and a woman meet at a bar and are having a great time. The woman says, "I know a place a few miles outside of the city where we can get loud and crazy.

They get in his car and drive about 10 miles. The woman teases his cock the whole time he is driving. When they arrive the woman says,...

Jeb and Jethro

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local

lumberyard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks...

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[NSFW] My dog will give you a bl** job

A man was driving on a desert road and saw a sign "my dog will give you a blow job for $20 - get the secondary road in 10 miles". He was very intrigued by that sign but kept driving. Five miles down, he saw the same sign again, saying to take the secondary road in 5 miles.

Intrigued by that h...

A man stranded in the desert wanders into a store

A man stranded in the desert wanders into a store and says to the store clerk in a mumbled voice, “water...water...please...water”

The clerk says, “I’m sorry sir but we don’t have any water here, we only sell ties. If you want water, there is a restaurant about 10 miles north of here.”
...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island...

The island is 10 miles from shore and without any other possible way to leave, the woman decide swimming is the only way off. The redhead goes first, she manages to make it 3 miles before she gets tired and drowns. The brunette then goes after, she makes it farther than the redhead but still finds h...

A blonde, a burnette and a redhead are stranded on an island 15 miles from shore...

The burnette says "I have always been a very good swimmer, I will swim to shore and send help." She swims out 5 miles then drowns.

The next day the redhead says, "I was on the swim team in highschool, I know I can swim 15 miles, I will go get help." She swims out 10 miles and drowns.

T...

A man is travelling through the desert...

when he runs out of water. He is worried since the next town is not for 10 miles, so he is beginning to worry. Just then, however, he sees a man on a camel in the distance. When he gets nearer to the man, he sees that he is carrying bags full of neckties.
r>"Please, sir, can you spare any wate...

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An old Scottish builder walks into a bar.

He sits down orders a tall beer, and tells the bartender

You see that fence out back, i built it 10 miles long, all by hand. But do they call me McGregor the fence builder, no

You see that dock out front, i hammered all the post in 14 feet of water sanded the deck boards. But do they c...

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(NSFW) I took my wife to the doctor following a mystery Illness...

After pulling me to one side, he said "We've narrowed it down to one of two things. Either she has a chronic heart condition or she is riddled with Aids."

"What on earth am I going to do?" I asked.

He said "When you get home, send her out for a 10 mile jog and if she comes back, don't ...

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Welcome to the neighborhood

A fella working on Wall St. decides he has had enough of the rat race. He's made a lot of money, so he buys himself a piece of land way out in the boonies where his nearest neighbors will be miles away.

He's been living out there for a couple weeks, fixing up the old house and generally enjo...

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

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Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. It says in the bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 10 miles.

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$5000 Dollar Cow

A couple were driving down the road one day when the man sees a sign advertising a cow for sale for $5000 dollars. Shocked he tells his wife he needs to go see why this cow is worth 5 grand.

When he gets to the farm he knocks on the farmers door and says, excuse me but I seen the sign on the...

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[Long] World's Greatest Peaches!

John was driving across country and see a sign that reads, "World's Greatest Peaches! 100 miles." As John continues to drive he sees another sign that reads, "World's Greatest Peaches! 50 miles." As he keeps driving his stomach growls and he sees another sign, "World's Greatest Peaches! 10 miles." S...

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A Green Beret, a Navy SEAL, an Army Ranger and a Marine Recon Scout are sitting around a campfire...

...telling stories about their service.

The green beret said "I once sneaked into enemy territory under the cover of night, killed 10 men, and sneaked back out"

 


"That's nothing!" the navy seal said. "I once swam 10 miles into enemy territory, killed 25 men, and sw...

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...

Two old women were driving down the freeway...

at 10 miles per hour, eventually the police came and pulled them over. Once the officer got up to their window he asked "Miss are you aware that you are traveling at 10 mph on the freeway?"

"Why yes officer that is the speed limit after all."

The officer was taken back from her statem...

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Three turtles decide to go on a picnic

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. ...

So a group of friends plan to go camping...

They decide that they'll all just meet at the campsite at noon.

The first guy shows up and none of his friends are there, so he sets up his gear and waits.

The second guy shows up two hours late, panting, and the first says, "Hey, I've been waiting for you for two hours! What happened?...

The Fantastic Pig

John is travelling one day and sees a sign on the side of the road saying, "30 miles until the fantastic pig." He is curious but doesn't think anymore of it until he sees another sign 10 miles up the road declaring the fantastic pig only 20 miles away. This continues up until 5 miles away from the s...

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

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A Man's Car Breaks Down Near a Monastery...

A man is driving down the countryside in China and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, fix his car, and prepare a meal for the man. Stuffed, the man...

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

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The purple feather

Billy was walking to school when he spotted a purple feather on the side of the road . "A purple feather! I can't wait to show everyone" he exclaimed. It was lunch time at school and Billy decided to show his friend Jacob. Jacob held the feather and asked "how did you find this?" Billy replied "I w...

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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead...

were driving down a desert road when the car runs out of gas. Realizing the gas station is still 10 miles ahead, they each decide to take one item with them.

The Blonde asks the Brunette, "What are you going to take?". The Brunette responds, "I am going to take these sodas with us just in cas...

John grew up on a farm

John grew up on a farm in a small town away from the hustle and bustle of the city. His whole life he has been a huge fan of tractors, his curtains and carpets had tractor patterns on, there were posters of John Deere's covering his walls, he even had his parents buy him a waffle maker that makes wa...

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Letter from Florida

Dearest Billy Joe,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your daddy read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 10 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family ...

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