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Chips Jokes

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

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I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

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A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory..

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised afte...

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

How are a push-up-bra and a bag of chips alike?

It is only when you open them, that you realise they are halfway empty.




*PS: i work in a chips factory and i know the reason why the bags contain so much air*

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.

I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

fish and chips jokes

I don't take anything serious in the newspaper, except for fish and chips.

And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

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Did you hear about the fight outside the local fish and chips shop?

The fish got battered.

Why do bags of potato chips have so much less chips these days?

Inflation

What are Santa's favorite kind of potato chips?

Crisp Pringles

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My asshole of a boss just yelled at me in front of everyone for eating chips at work.

“John, you’re a fucking croupier!”

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This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

What style of potato chips does Santa Claus like best?

Kringle Cut

what is an Arabic ruler's favorite flavor of potato chips?

Sultan vinegar.

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.

And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit.

He's the Chip Monk.

What's a nuclear engineer's favourite meal?

Fission chips!

A man asked a frog how to open a bag of chips

The frog said, “rip it”.

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Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church.....

They all look at you with disgust, but deep down, you know they want some, too.

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

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I walked into a fish & chip shop

And ordered fish and chips. The guy served me and I said "that fish isn't cooked properly"!

He said "what makes you say that'?

I said" well..... It looks like its eaten half of my fucking chips"

Back in my day I went to the store with only $1 and came back with 2 bags of chips, 1 carton of milk, and 3 boxes of chocolate

Now they have cameras

What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?

When you pull them out in class suddenly everyone wants to be your friend

What do You Call Tortilla Chips With Guns?

Loaded Nachos

Decided to eat some chips yesterday

Apparently that's "super weird" and "completely inappropriate at a poker game"

Once I got fired from my job just because I was eating chips while I was working.

And after that, I couldn't get a job at any of the other casinos either.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

Give a man a fish and he'll ask for chips.

Give a man chips and he'll beg for salt.

Give a man salt and he's going to want a drink.

Give a man enough drink, and he'll start complimenting your wife.

Give a man your wife and you can go fishing as much as you'd like.

Heard the government was putting Chips on people...

Hope mine is sour cream and onion://

We do not have enough micro chips to build new cars

Is it because we used them all in the vaccines ?

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

My friend was mad at me because I ate all the chips at her party

I'm no longer welcome to play poker with them

Why does nobody touch Sean Connery's chips?

They heard their flavor was shower cream and onion

I go to the store and buy 4 bags of chips and 6 sodas, if I eat 3 bags of chips and drinks 5 sodas what do I have?

No self-control.

I grabbed the chips out of the pantry

and looked through the fridge for some dip.

It wasn't where I thought it should be.

I glanced in askance towards my wife who was warming up noodles on the stove.

Next to her on the counter, a visibly empty jar.

Aghast, I shouted: "That was NACHO CHEESE!"

Roses are red, potato chips are savory...

The United States prison system is legalized slavery.

Have you heard of Cape Cod Potato Chips?

apparently they are so good they actually named a whole cape after them

How do you make any bag of chips into a family size

Give it to an orphan!

A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.

The librarian says, "this is a library."

The man, says, "oh. Sorry." (Then in a whisper) "I'd like some fish and chips."

I like my jokes how I like my Lay's chips

Original.

I remember when I was a kid I could go to a store with a dollar and get two big bags of chips, a 2 liter of Sprite, 6 bags of Skittles and 6 Slim Jims.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere inside.

Tortilla chips

So, a guy walks into a mexican restaurant and takes a seat. Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."



The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a soda. The chips says "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great c...

When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?

Back in the middle ages...

...each monastery had a profession, something the monks made that was sold to support the monastery.

As it happened, a man living in London heard about a monastery that made the very best fish and chips. This monastery was in the far north of England, near Leeds. It being the middle ages, t...

What did the bag of chips say to the angry pigeons?

I don't want to ruffle any feathers

What did Andrew Cuomo's battery say to the female aide's chips

I'm Eveready if you're Frito Lay

Fish & Chips

A man walked into a fish and chips shop run by two priests, but only one was out front. He asked, "Are you the fish friar?"

The man replied, "No, I'm the chip monk."

What's a cannibals favorite thing to eat with tortilla chips?

People de gallo.

What do you call an empty ring of wet wood chips?

Mulch a-dew about nothing

Scottish chip shop joke

scotsman: Chips and a steak and kidley pie please

Server: you said kidley

scotsman: no I didley

Why was I charged so much for eating chips?

The casino man said he'd never seen anything quite like it

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A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and chips, and receives an apple

"What is this?!" He says

"Take a bite" the bartender replies

He begrudgingly obliges and bites the apple

"Wow!" He exclaims "This takes just like a cold beer!"

The bartender nods and says "Turn it around"

The man does, and when he takes a bite he exclaims "This tas...

A guy orders a burger and chips.

“I’ll have a burger and chips please” says a guy.

“Are you eating in or do you want it takeaway?” I ask.

“Get f*cked c*nt!” Says the guy as he grabs his food and walks away.

I love working in the prison canteen.

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

Sitting with my shoes off next to a warm campfire eating corn chips.

Tostitos

What's the saddest type of fish and chips?

a battered sole.

What do you call eating chips and salsa naked?

Skinny dipping

Breast implants are like potato chips.

You can't have just one.

Why didn't the potato chips believe anything the sandwich said?

Because the sandwich was full of baloney

I got fired for eating chips at work.

Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.

I know for a fact corporations are trying to put chips in our bodies

Lay's and Ruffles are buy one get one free at the grocery store

If you love tortilla chips and cheese,

I'm nacho man

Why is the demand for potato chips rising in China?

They need clean air.

What type of chips suffer from allergies?

Nachoos

I walked into the store and asked "do you have any helicopter flavoured chips?"

The cashier says "no , we just have plain".

Falling in love is like eating paint chips.

Things might look pretty now, but in time you're going to feel dumb.

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

You know why jokes about chips with cheese on them are the best ?

They're NACHO JOKES !

What is Chipotle most known for?

- A. Steak Bowls
- B. Delicious Tacos
- C. Chips
- D. Burritos
- E. Coli

I bought a little bag of air today…

The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

What’s a pilot’s favourite flavour of chips?

Plane.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Do you have any helicopter flavored chips?"

The Bartender says "No, we only have plane"

I could see she was about to fold when I put my chips on the table…

"Move them," my wife said, "I'm doing laundry."

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My friend brags about having sex with potato chips

He keeps on telling me how many lays he's had.

Which Spanish Explorers took chips with them on their expeditions to Central America?

The Con-Qeuso-dors!

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

Why'd you order the Fish n' Chips?

For the Halibut.

The GOP have placed all their chips on Brett Kavanaugh

They don't believe in plan B

[warning dad joke warning]I visited a monastery and as I walked by the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him “are you the friar?”

He replied”no I’m the chip monk”

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