UPJOKE
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Opened Jokes

A madam opened the door to her brothel....

.....to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie." the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" "No. I must see Natalie." Just then N...

I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop. Nobody came

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

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A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel.

“$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man.

His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.

“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

It was my birthday yesterday, and I received $500 from all the cards I opened.

I really love working in a post office.

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

I've only opened three birthday cards and I'm already £150 up!

God I love being a postman

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the nex...

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

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The FBI had an opening for an assasin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what th...

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When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

did you hear about the restaurant that was opened in space?

the food was alright, but it had no atmosphere.

I received a thesaurus in the mail today, but when I opened it all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!

I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".

A new gym opened near me. They are currently going door to door signing up new members.

It's called Jehovah's Fitness.

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

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I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

A New Pho Restaurant Opened up its second location

The proprietor, Mr. Ngo, was very excited for the opening of his new restaurant. It had been a dream of his for many years to expand his business. He wasn't very original and named his original restaurant "Ngo Pho."

However, business was great and he was soon able to open a second location o...

They put Chuck Norris in Schroedinger's box, and when they opened it...

...he was STILL both dead and alive.

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A penis grew to 5ft9 and had functional arms and legs. With his new found life he opened doors, pulled out chairs and was very chivalrous.

He was a true genitalman

a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

I opened a little shop that sells clickbait.

You won't believe what's in store.

I've opened up a restaurant called "Karma"

There is no menu, you get what you deserve.

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

Did you hear Elmer Fudd opened a distillery?

According to him, it's a whiskey business.

A new jokes store opened up in town..

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughe...

Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife?

It's called Pasta Way.

I just opened a wig shop for vengeful mad scientists and evil geniuses experiencing hair loss.

It's called "There'll be hell toupe".

What did the thanksgiving giving dinner say when the cook opened the oven?

Close the door, I'm dressing!

As I sat anxiously in the waiting area, one of the surgeons opened the door, walked over and gave me the terrible news. I almost broke into tears immediately.

"It's time for your dentist appointment," she said.

Jesus opened a brewery. Do you know what he called it??

HeBrew

What do you call a real estate agency opened by a detective?

Sherlock Homes

(I don’t know if it was posted before but I found the joke by myself )

I opened my water and electric bills simultaneously...

Needless to say, I was shocked.

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I opened the door last night to carol singers & said "Do you know Silent Night?"

"Yes" they replied
"Well piss off then because I want one!"

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

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Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!

At first I was afraid...

The Haunted mansion opened three years after Walt Disney died.

It's what Walt would have haunted

Jean-Luc Picard just opened a Chinese restaurant.

It's called Make It Tso.

A time traveller travelled 1 month into the future and opened r/Jokes

"Damn, I failed again"

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.” -True story

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A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

Someone Opened the Cages in the Reptile House at the Zoo

The keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the snakes back in their cages.

Frantic, he yelled to his assistant, “Call a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? Why?”

“We need someone who speaks their language.”

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

my t-rex friend have recently opened a restaurant for medieval Knights..

For anyone interested, it's name is Dine'O Sir

I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.

Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.

A new magazine store opened near me.

They have so many issues.

Ben and Jerrys have opened a school of Martial Arts

It's called Cookie-Do

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If Shaggy opened a shoe shop.

He would be

Mr. Loafer Loafer

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost tas...

My friend and I just opened a bakery!

As an opening day special we added a sugary coating to all products at no extra charge.

We came out all buns glazing!

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A Laotian businessman opened a small store in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotians in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were a bit rowdy and so...

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I opened a club for premature ejaculators.

It didn't last long.

My wife opened the car door for me today.

Would have been a good gesture if only we were not going 75MPH.

I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them.

I love being a postman.

I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

My French teacher just opened a tyre shop

I call him Jacques of all Treads

I courteously opened the door for a woman to come out, but she got really mad

Apparently there is some sort of changing-room exemption, and now I'm banned from Forever 21.

If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...

... Because he brews wine.

(Sorry)

Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.

He could have called it Billie Jeans.

Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!

Kids pants would be half off there.

Opened a restaurant called "The Pelican"

Nobody appreciates the big bill though!

My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two g...

A comedian opened his act by saying "Yo, Adrian!"

His show had a rocky start.

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

The barbershop finally opened again in the Netherlands!

While i was being cut an old man came in.

"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."

"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small w...

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