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Grandad Jokes

Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the sh...

My grandad always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Lovely man, Terrible cabinet maker.

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

A little girl asks her grandad...

"Would you make a frog noise for me?"
The grandad, confused asks, "why?"
The little girl replies, "dad says when you croak we are all going to disneyland".

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

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One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cunt?"

The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets one of his old porno
mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a
naked woman posing.

"You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below
Johnny?"

"Yes."

"Wel...

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

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My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into ...

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

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My grandad was responsible for bringing down several Nazi planes during WW2.

The Luftwaffe said he was the worst mechanic they ever employed.

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My grandad is addicted to viagra.

No ones taking it harder than my nan

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Fishing with grandad

A boy and his grandpa went out fishing one day. After a while of fishing, the grandpa pulled out a cigarette. Curious, the boy asked, whats that grandpa? Lighting it up and taking a deep drag and exhaling, the grandpa says, boy, this here is a cigarette. Can I have one too grandpa? The boy asked. We...

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Knock knock. Who's there? Grandad.

Shit stop the funeral!

Grandad, why does my brother Robert live with you?

Well you see grandson, when you were a baby, your uncle Peter moved out and it was the first time in a long time that granny and I were all alone, we had some drinks, put on some music and Bob's your uncle.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandad.

Not in a ball of flames like the people on his bus.

I went to visit my grandad in the nursing home

He was sitting with a gorgeous nurse on either side of him. While we were talking he started leaning to the right and it looked like he'd fall, but the nurse on that side pushed him upright. A little later he leaned to the other side like he was going to fall, but the nurse on that side pushed him u...

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

Grandad "Here's 5 bucks, bring me back a 6 pack and a bag of chips." Grandson "Grandad, 5 bucks isnt enough" Grandad "back in my day...

2 bucks could get you a beer, chips, a chocolate bar, a sandwhich and a newspaper!

Nowadays you can't do that anymore, there's cameras everywhere!"

My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2

He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.

My grandad died yesterday.

His final wish before he died was that his body be used by scientists to create a massive cloud of water vapour.

He will be mist.

My great grandad used to make fabric booths for clairvoyants and fortune tellers..

He was a con-tent creator.

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I grew up believing my grandad was a Japanese prisoner of war.

Turns out he just likes hiding things up his arse.

We call our grandad Spiderman...

Not because he has superhuman powers, but because he can't get out of the bath.

I recently learnt that my dad, grandad and great-grandad all had diarrhoea

Runs in the family

my grandad was such a sweet person on the inside

it's a shame we didnt notice before the diabetes killed him

During the war, my Grandad faced pepper spray and mustard gas.

He's a seasoned veteran.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

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Caught my grandad cutting viagra tablets in half

I said “grandad, they won’t work if you cut them in half”
He said, “I’m 94 years old, your grandma was the only woman I ever slept with god rest her soul”
I asked “so why do you need half a viagra?”
He told me “I just need enough that I don’t piss on my slippers”

When our grandad was 65, we told him to run a mile everyday.

now he's 70, but we have no idea where he is.

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

My great-grandad was personally responsible for bringing down over 30 German aircraft in WW2.

All the other mechanics in the Luftwaffe never really liked him though.

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My grandad used to say: "There is always room at the top."

Great guy.

Terrible at hiding Jews, though.

A family gather round the death bed of grandad, his solicitor arrives as the man is able to read out his will:

'To my daughter, I leave my Kensington properties says grandad'

'To my son, I leave my Richmond properties'

'Finally, as I have the most properties in Windsor and Ascot, I leave these for the grandchildren'

The solicitor turns to the grandmother and quietly whispers 'My god, I n...

We’ve started calling Grandad Spider-Man…

It’s not that he’s got super powers, he just can’t get out of the bath.

My grandad gave me some sound advice as he lay on his deathbed.

“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

My grandad was recently taken ill

My grandad was recently taken ill, so we took him to hospital. He seemed ok for the first 3 days, but on day 3 they covered his entire back in lard. He began to go down hill really quickly after that.

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

My grandad never used to like throwing things away

He died in WW2 holding onto a hand grenade

My Grandad is a truly special man

He has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh Zoo.

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

My internet connection is a lot like my grandad

It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the ci...

We used to call my grandad 'Spiderman.'

He didn't have any superpower or anything like that...He just struggled to get out of the bath.

When my Grandad fell seriously ill we covered his back in lard.

He went downhill rapidly after that.

My grandad was highly decorated during WW2....

In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel and balloon on his helmet that got him shot.

My Grandad lived to one hundred and one...

At his hundredth birthday party, he was asked "what's the secret to such a long life?"


He replied "with every meal I take a couple of drops of nitroglycerin. I think that's what's been keeping me going all these years."


He passed away a few years ago; he left behind 2 child...

I'll never forget the last thing my Grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket...

he said, "Grandson, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

My grandad just passed away...

We were really close and he was always competitive with me. No matter what game we played, tennis, cards, or even Xbox he would always try to win.

So it was only fitting that, and I’ll never forget this, on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath. He looked at me in the eyes and said.....

Grandad wants to go to church like has had done all his life but can't due to the pandemic...

...so his granddaughter decides to introduce him to the world of technology with live broadcasts of sermons he can watch on the laptop safely. It works wonderfully! He happily listens and sings along just as before.

But after many sermons he begins to develop aches in his arm from constantly...

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My grandad died because we didn’t get his blood type right. He kept saying, “Be positive! Be positive!”

And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A

The other day I took my grandad to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having him buried in the cemetery.

Grandad went into a nursing home,

so I rang them to see how he was.

Nurse said, "He's like a fish out of water."

I said, "So he's finding it hard to adjust?"

She said, "No, he's dead!"

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My grandad always used to say: "you need to be upfront with everybody"

Great bloke, shit goalkeeper

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Last Christmas I gave my grandad a prostitute and a duvet....

Which surprised him, as he'd actually asked for a tartan blanket.

My grandad said there’s gangs at his retirement village

The blood clots and the cripples

My grandad went down in history.

.....he also fingered someone in geography.

My grandad told me, always go to people's funerals...

... because if you don't, they won't go to yours.

I remember last Christmas, we were playing charades and my grandad was up, suddenly he collapsed and did a huge fart.

I guessed “Gone with the wind?”

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

My friend has a French mother, and his dad's great-grandad was from Warsaw.

So he's half Frog and a tad Pole.

When my grandad turned SIXTY, I told him to run a mile a day.

Now he’s 65 and I don’t know where he is.

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My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

Joke my grandad told me :)

Two men, a Irishman and an Englishman where talking when they learnt that at the moment there was a massive demand for crocodile skin shoes, wanting to take ahold of this opportunity the Irishman and the Englishman bought two guns and set sail to Africa, when they arrived they went they’re separate...

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My Grandad placed three cups on the table, open end down.

Then he put a ball under one of the cups and moved them around the table really fast.
After thirty seconds of this, he stopped and said, "Okay, which one is it under?"

"The middle one."

"Well done! How did you know?"

"Because your other testicle is connected to it."

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Grandad and hos granson

A grandad and his grandson was on a fishing boat. The grandad takes a cookie out. The grandson asks can he have one? The grandad asked "can your dick touch your ass?". The grandson says "no". The grandad says "then you cant have one then".

A couple of years pass....

The two are on the ...

My grandad said us teenagers rely to much on technology

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support

My grandad is getting old and he’s “starting to have a hard time with all the stares”

It’s his own fault, I told him not to get that face tattoo.

My Grandma and Grandad beat the Coronavirus....

My grandma died last year in January and my grandad died 4 years ago.

Just found out my grandad left me a stately home in his will.

I just don’t know where sod hall is...

My great grandad was a baker in the army during WW1

Apparently he went in all buns glazing

My grandad died last year because we couldn’t find out his blood type for an emergency transfusion

He kept shouting “be positive” but it’s hard without him

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My great grandad died for his own beliefs.

He believed he could wank on the bus.

My grandad stopped smoking 2 weeks ago...

....But we only received his ashes today!

My dad, grandad, great grandad and great great grandad were all circus clowns.

Not something I ever wanted to do. Their shoes were just too big to fill.

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My Grandad puts Viagra in his coffee

It stops his biscuits going soft

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One day Little Johny saw his grandad smoking...

He asked his grandad 'Can I have a cigarette?' His grandad says 'Can your dick touch your ass?' 'No' said Little Johny. 'Well then you can't have a cigarette. A few minutes later, he sees grandad chugging a beer. He asks,'Can I have a beer?' Once again, the grandpa asks 'Can your dick touch your as...

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I asked my grandad for his shooting range

He said: no, you wouldn't make a good principal

When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

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My Grandad told me this one (the guy is a legend)

A girl is sat in the hairdresser's, eating some cake.

She is sat quite close to the barber, so she asks,

"Excuse me sir, would you mind moving away from me a bit, I'm going to get hair on my muffin"

He replies, "Yeah, and your gonna get tits aswell."


NOTE: I have no c...

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I always looked up to my Grandad... I especially remember his last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!!!

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A joke from my grandad

Why is a duck covered with feathers.

To cover it's buttquack

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My mother, my father, my two brothers, my sister and i are all police marksmen, my grandad unfortunately is a armed robber and he died yesturday..

Surrounded by his family...

When I took my shoes off, my grandad asked me if I was wearing golfing socks...

because there’s a hole in one....

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When I was 7 my grandad told me the funniest joke I've ever heard, and I've never forgotten it

which is more than he can say, the senile old bastard

Trying to help my grandad use the computer

and he asks me how to print something, told him to control P and he said he hasn't been able to do that for years!

I inherited my great grandad’s underwear...

They were fruit of the heirloom

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A grandad remembers the good old days

When I was a boy, my mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I'd come back with 2 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a large chunk of cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that nowadays.

Too many fucking security cameras.

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A grandad was getting his hair cut....

His young grand daughter was sitting on the floor beneath him eating a muffin.

"Watch out" said the grandad "You are going to get hair on your muffin"

"Not only that" said the grand daughter "I'm going to get tits too!"

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10 year old boy and grandad go camping...

Boy: Granddad can I have a sip of beer?
Granddad: can your penis reach your ass?
Boy: no.
Granddad: then you'll have to wait until it does.
Boy goes to the cooler and grabs an ice cream sandwich.

Granddad: hey grandson, can I have a bite of your sandwich?
Boy: can your penis...

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A true story about my grandad

I remember we used to think my grandad was autistic or some kind of idiot savant. He left school at 14 with no qualifications, worked for 50 years as a coal miner, never read a book in his life but whenever you asked him anything, no matter how crazy or obscure he always had the answer. Then we got ...

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So my grandad was stumbling through the house after the power went out, looking for a snack of leftover chicken in the fridge, tripped over a trash can and yelled "Aaaargh!" as he fell.

Which came first, the shitcan or the aaargh?

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A young boy and his grandfather are out fishing one day

When the grandfather pulls a beer out of the esky. The little boy asks, "Grandad, can I have a sip of your beer?" The grandfather replies, "can your dick touch your arse?" The little boy says no. So the Grandfather says "Then you can't have any beer"

A little later the grandfather lights up a...

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Kid 1: "My grandad can play the piano with his feet"

Kid 2: "That's nothing; MY grandad fiddles with his dick"

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There's nothing but shit on the TV every night! -moaned my Grandad.

The sanitation in his Nursing Home is dreadful...

My grandad accidently bit his own tongue off during WW2

He never talks about it though

My grandad just crashed a milk float.

He should have read the instruction manual more thoroughly, he only skimmed it.

So I taught my Grandad how to use skype ...

Only problem is, I can never tell if it's just buffering or if he's having a stroke.

Silly Grandad

Johns Grandad comes over to look after him for the day. John goes outside and plays with the neighbors kid, a bit later he comes in and asks "Grandad, whats it called when two people sleep in one room one on top of the other?" Grandad replies "I've got to be honest with you, you are 8 now, its calle...

When my grandad was 75 he started walking 5 miles a day.

He's 80 now and no one knows where the hell he is!

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A grandson asks his grandad if he can go to the movies...

... The grandad asks "Can your dick touch your asshole?". The grandson was confused but went to the bathroom and proceeded to try. He came out of the bathroom and in defeat told his grandad "No".
"Well than no you can't go".

The next day the grandson asked his grandad if he can have cooki...

As my old Grandad was so fond of saying , "When you're in a hole stop digging"

It cost him his job in the graveyard , though.

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My grandad pointed to my dog while he was rubbing his arse on the floor.

I said, "Don't try and distract me, old man."

So I went on Dragons Den with my grandad's shotgun and Peter Jones said, "so what's the business idea?"

I said, "It's a very simple concept, Peter. Put the money in the bag."

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed

He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

“Is my darling wife here with me?”

“Yes, love.”

“And is my son here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Father, I’m here.”
...

A young boy asked his grandad to do his frog impression...

Grandad: "What do you mean?"
Boy: "Do your frog impression!"
Grandad: "What frog impression?"
Boy: "Mum says: When you croak, we can go to Disney World!"

Grandad: hey Sonny, what's the name of that German?

Grandson: for the thousandth time grandad, it's Alzheimer

My grandad let me in on the secret to picking up hot Jewish girls during WWII..

with a brush and shovel..

My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. "Two quid for a cup of tea?!"...

I said, "Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!"

A father tucks his son in

A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had...

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I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my grandad in that concentration camp during the war...

Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...

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My grandad was killed by a zulu

He was having a shit in London zoo and the roof fell in.

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