Porch Jokes - 106 Hilarious Porch Jokes

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An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn foo...

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.

Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies....

How do you get a philosophy student off your porch?

Thank him for the pizza

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

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3 Southern sisters are sitting on a big porch sipping Mint Juleps.

Martha says, “My husband loves me so much, he built me this amazing porch.”
Mary says, “Well isn’t that nice?”
Mildred says, “Bless your heart”

Mary says, “My husband loves me so much, he bought me a beautiful new Cadillac.”
Martha says, “Well isn’t that nice?”
Mildred says, “Bles...

A policeman stops a young rich kid driving a porche.

Policeman - please get out of the car.

Rich kid- you'll regret this. Do you know who my father is?

Policeman - why? Your mother didn't tell you?

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

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Why are porch pirates gay?

They love mail booty

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After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

Woman asks an old man rocking on his porch...

“What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."

Two rednecks are sitting on the porch when they see a dog lick his balls.

One says, “Boy, I wish I could do that.”

The other redneck says, “Be careful. He bit me.”

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

I gave up on being a porch pirate...

It's just not for me

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A guy walks out on his porch and finds a snail climbing the steps.

Not wanting to step on it, he picks it up and throws it across the yard. About a week later, he goes out on his porch and finds the same snail climbing the steps again. The snail looks at him and says, “What the fuck did you do that for?”

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

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An old couple are sitting on their porch . . .

(One of my favorites, though I'm sure it's probably been posted at some point)

An old couple are sitting on the porch in their rocking chairs, watching the sunset quietly. After a long stretch broken only by the creaking of their chairs, the old woman reaches down, picks up her cane, and swi...

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Elder sitting on his porch with his grandson.

G'son: "Grandpa, can I try your cigar?" G'pa: "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?" G'son: "No" G'pa: "Then no you can't." G'son: "Grandpa, can I try a sip of your beer?" G'pa "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?" G'son: "No" G'pa: "Then no you can't." Grandson goes inside the house and re...

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(Best read in an Irish accent) So an old man is on his porch..

A young lad is walking up the hill with a roll of chicken wire rolled up under his arm. "What ya doin wi' the chicken wire, laddie?" asks the man. "Oh sir, I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" replies the boy. The man says, "you fool, you don't catch chickens with chicken wire!" An hour later, though,...

My Fav St Pat's Day joke, "What is green and sits on your back porch?"

Patio (Paddy'O) Furnitue

Happy St Patrick's Day my internet friends!

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."

...

A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.

She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams...

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...

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a five your old and his grandfather on a porch

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to hav...

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One day an old man is sitting in his porch when a young boy walks by holding some chicken wire

He tells out “What’re you gonna do with that?” The boy replies “Ima catch me some chicken” The man thinks to himself “That can’t be right”. Well about 2 hours later though, the boy comes back with a bunch of chickens tangled in the wire. The next day the man is on his porch and he sees the boy with ...

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Paint my porch.

A man was walking out of his local hardware store when he saw a fairly attractive twenty-something year old female standing on the sidewalk holding a sign- “Will do ANYTHING for $20.”

He smirked, walked over to her and made her a proposition. She accepted, and he drove her to his house. Afte...

What’s Irish and sits on your porch?

Paddy O’Furniture.

Bonus joke: Never lend a leprechaun money; they’re always a little short.

Two hillbillies were sipping shine on the front porch

When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.

“I’m a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery” announced hillbilly #1.

“Do wuuuut?” Asked hillbilly #2.

“Send my lawn out to git mowed.”

Old men on porch

Two old men are setting on a porch, shooting the breeze. In the corner, there is a n old mangy dog licking himself. The younger of the two looks at his friend, “Man, I wish I could do that!” His friend looks at him, shaking his head, “ That dog will bite yoouuu!!!”

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Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy crap this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox.

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

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(Long) An elderly man was sitting on his porch one day..

..when Tommy, the 9 year old neighborhood troublemaker, came walking up the street dragging some metal fencing behind him.

The man yelled "Tommy, what are you doing this time?
Tommy: This is chicken wire, I'm gonna catch me some chickens.
Man: "Tommy you fool, you can't catch chickens w...

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Grandpa and Grandson are on the porch (Long)

Grandpa and grandson are on the porch. The grandpa is smoking a cigar. The grandson asks “ Grandpa, can I have a puff of your cigar?”

Grandpa replies “Well does your dick touch your asshole?”

The grandson is confused but replies “No.”

“Well then you can’t have a puff!”

...

Three men in their 90s are sitting on the porch watching the world go by.

A beautiful woman walks past them on the sidewalk, glances their way, smiles, then continues on.

After a minute or so, one of the men says "Boy that women was a looker. I wouldn't mind walking hand in hand with her."

One of the other men says "No kidding—I wouldn't say no to kissing he...

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day...

The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal".

The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six".

Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs".

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him...

My wife asked me what's in the giant box they just delivered to my porch.

I said it's a condom.

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?

The dog quits barking once it’s back inside the house

A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.

The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.

The next date sho...

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An elderly couple are rocking on their front porch. NSFW

All of a sudden the old lady reaches over and smacks the old man right out of his rocking chair.
The old man slowly gets up gets back in his rocking chair, after rocking a few minutes more he turns the old woman and asks "What was that for?"
"For having such a small pecker all these years!" sh...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

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A elderly couple are sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs, watching the world go by...

...suddenly the old lady reaches over and smacks her husband upside the head so hard he falls out of his chair onto the porch. He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back.
"What the hell was that for?" he asks.
"For 47 years of terrible sex," comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife fo...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

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Two guys are sitting on the porch watching the dog lick his balls

Guy: Man, some days I really wish I could do that also.
Friend: You probably can, just make sure to pet him first

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Two southern wives were sitting on their porch sipping brandy.

One woman says to the other ‘my husband bought me this beautiful ring’ as she flashed a diamond ring.
The other replied in a breathy voice ‘ain’t that niiceee’.

The first woman added ‘he also bought me this lovely dress I’m wearing today’.
The other replied in the same breathy voice ...

How do you get a drummer off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless

Have you tell if the stage Riser is even?
Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

What's the difference between a drummer and a percussionist?
Evolution, the percussionist ha...

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

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My Grandma sat me on the porch one day.

I was 11 years old.

She sings
"Ree Ree hit him in the knee, Rass Rass....
Hit him in the other knee"

11 year old me rofl'd

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Old man sitting on his porch

When three young men walk by carrying chicken wire. Curious, the old man asks "where are you boys going with that chicken wire?" The young men reply "we're going to catch some chickens!" The old man smiles, remembering his young and foolish years, and shakes his head. A couple hours later, the same ...

An old woman is sitting on her porch when a genie appears

"You get one wish" he is straight to the point. woman thinks about it but she is content with her life. Just that moment her cat strolls by. With a mischievous smile she tells genie she wants her cat turned into handsome man. "Done" genie says and vanishes. And true to his word instead of a cat ther...

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An old man was sitting on his porch

when he sees a boy ride his bike down the street with rolls of Duct tape hanging from the handle bars. Curious he asks the boy " Hey Boy, what ya doing with all that Duct Tape????" To which the boy responds " I'm going to catch me some DUCKS!" The old man doesn't think anything of it but than a few ...

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Papaw and his grandson are out on the porch.

Papaw is building a birdhouse. The grandson looks over and asks, “Papaw, can I do that?”

Papaw thinks for a moment and says, “I don’t know son. Can you stretch your peter between your legs and touch your asshole?”

The grandson thinks for a minute and says, “no.”

Papaw says, “wel...

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An old farmer is sitting on his porch...

when a young man pulls up in a car and says, "Excuse me, sir. I notice you have milkweed growing in your field, may I get some milk?" The old fellow chuckles to himself and says "You can't get milk from milkweed young man." The young man says, "I think I can sir, if you'll let me try." The farmer...

Two old men are sitting on the porch,

their wives in the kitchen. One says to the other, "Bob you should try that restaurant we went to last night. Best food I've had in a long time."

"Yeah Joe? What was it called?" asked Bob.

"Well, I can't seem to remember...What is the name of that red flower, you know with the thorn...

$400a night

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a ...

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

Every day, a woman stood on her porch and shouted ,"Praise the Lord!"

And every day the atheist next door yelled, "There is no Lord!"

One day she prayed, "Lord, I'm hungry. Please send me groceries."

The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. "Praise the Lord," she shouted.

"Ha! I told you there was no Lord," her neighbour said, j...

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?

The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...

The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.

The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.

The third old man says, “every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.

The other two men look at him and say what’s wrong...

A lad knocked on the door of a beautiful large house.

He asked if there were any jobs that needed doing. The man said he would give him £50 to paint the porch. The lad agreed and took the paintbrush and tin of white gloss paint away. The man’s wife said “£50 – that’s far too little. Did he not see the porch goes half way round the house? It will take t...

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3 women sitting on a porch

Three women were sitting on their porch in Alabama, one says "you know I call my husband Big Balls, cause he's got the biggest balls in all of Alabama " The other two chuckle. The second women smiles and says " Well I call my husband Big Dick, cause he's got the biggest dick in all of Alabama" again...

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

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Dog and cat on the porch (NSFW mild language)

A dog and a cat are sitting on the porch on a hot summer day. The dog looks at the cat and says, "sure is hot today".

The cat replies, "HOLY SHIT IT'S A TALKING DOG!"

What's Irish and sits on the porch?

Paddy O'furniture

(Shanelessly stolen off a sign in College Station, TX)

An old man was sitting on his front porch, when he saw two boys walking past his house. The two boys were talking very loudly.

"Yesterday I bought a car and drove all the way to the moon!" said one of the boys.

"That's nothing!" said the other boy. "This morning, I went all the way to Pluto! By walking!"

"What are you two whippersnappers doing?" asked the old man.

"We found a $20 bill on the sidewalk," ...

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A retiree is sitting on his porch one afternoon, when little Johnny walks by...

...pulling his little red wagon, loaded with a whole bunch of wire, behind him.

"Hey Johnny, " calls the retiree. "Whatcha got in the wagon?"

"Chicken wire, " says little Johnny.

"Whatcha gonna do with that, Johnny?" asks the retiree.

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" s...

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I bought a fleshlight online but it was stolen by a Porch Pirate

I'd say he can go fuck himself but that's literally what he's about to do with it.

How do you know when there's a lead singer on your porch?

They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.

Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet visitors with a handshake.

Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says "Have you read Marx" ?

The other says "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs"

Had a friend that loves to lay on my front porch in front of my door all day.

His name was Matt

Grandpa was sitting on the porch...

...when he saw little Timmy jamming the earthworm back to its hole.
Grandpa: Silly Timmy, you cant put that worm back inside son.
Timmy: Bet you $50 i can grandpa.
Grandpa: Sure, its a deal!

So little Timmy gets hairspray from the house and sprayed it all over the worm, the worm stif...

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A farmer's sitting on his porch...

He sees an 8 year old kid walk by with some duct-tape and yells, "Hey kid! What you doin with that duct-tape?"

The kid answers, "I'm gonna go catch some ducks!"

The farmer thinks to himself, "well that's not really what duct-tape is for but let's let the kid have some fun."

A co...

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A senior citizen drove his brand new Porche to 100 Miles/hr.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Porche to 100 Miles/hr. Looking in his rear view mirror, he spotted a police car right behind him. He accelerated to 140 Miles/hr then 150... then 170....Suddenly he thought, I am too old for this shit. So, he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for th...

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

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An old married couple were sitting on the porch enjoying the sunset.

The old woman suddenly turned to her husband and smacked him across his face.

The old man was shocked. "Now why the hell you'd do that for, Ethel?"

"That was for forty years of bad sex," she said smugly.

A couple minutes passed and then the old man turned to his wife and sla...

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A 6 bedroom house with a 2 Mercedes Benz at the front. And a 500 square foot garden.

The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.

The American politician said: "see that highway over there?...

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A farmer and his drinking buddy are sitting on the porch...

It's a hot day, and both men are having a beer while boredly watching the farmer's hound dog lick his balls.
**Drinking buddy**: He he. Ya know, I wish I could do that, I'd have a whole lot of fun...

**Farmer**: Oh yeah? You go ahead and try, I bet he bites the shit out of you.

BLONDE One afternoon, two blondes were sitting on the front porch. The first woman said" Here comes my husband with a bunch of flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend."

The other woman replied "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

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Two hillbillys are sitting on the porch in rocking chairs.

The 1st hillbilly says "I'M BORED'....

So the second hillbilly says.. "I'll tell you whut....I'm gonna think of something... but I'm not gonna tell you what I'm thinkin...and then you get to ask me Three questions... then after three questions....you gotta guess what I'm thinkin'...."
...

Someone stole my porch window , I called the police

They said they would look into it

Two farmers are sitting on a porch...

...drinking beers and enjoying the sun. One looks over and sees his dog laying in the corner licking his balls.

He says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

The other says, "I've tried and couldn't even get close. I almost got bit!"

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A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch

Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down ...

How do you steal a porch?

You just take it step by step

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NSFW Two elderly ladies are rocking on the porch of the old folks home.

With a reminiscent look on her face, one of the old ladies says to the other,

"Oh Martha I was just thinking:
Do you remember the minuet?

"Oh for goodness sakes Henrietta. I can even remember the men I fucked!"

2 Rednecks are sitting on the front porch.....

They are drinking beer and talking about life.

The dog in the driveway starts licking his own balls.

One of the guys says, "Man, I wish I could do that"

*The other responds, "You try that and that dog will bite you"*

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sit...

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An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

"All right woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex." she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"

The husband looks at her and...

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Two women sit on a porch in plantation times:

One is the daughter of a rich plantation owner and the other is the daughter of an average middle class southerner. The rich daughter loves to brag so naturally she looks over at the middle class daughter and says "My daddy just got me this pretty dress, see all these intricate frills?" the middle c...

Every morning after waking up, I find that someone has left a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

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An old man and his grandson are sitting on the porch.

An elderly man and his grandson are sitting outside on the porch. The grandfather pulls out a cigar, lights it, and proceeds to smoke. The grandson looked upon him with curiosity.

"Papa, may I have a cigar?" The little boy asked.

The old man smirks, "You can, but only if your answer ...

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't...

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A man is sitting on his porch, enjoying the morning...

When a young boy walks by dragging some Chicken wire.

“Hold on a minute, boy, whatcha doing with that chicken wire?”

“Gonna go catch me some chickens” says the boy.

“Well that’s not the way that works, but you go have fun.” He replies.

A few hours later he sees the boy r...

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front porch?

Matt

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What's purple and green and sits on the porch at night crying?

She's my fucking girlfriend I'll paint her whatever colours I want.

A farmer sitting on his porch

A farmer is sitting on his porch, when he hears a loud crash behind his house. So he grabs his gun takes off out back and sees his outhouse destroyed reindeer laying on the ground Santa's sleigh laying on its side. Then Santa stands up, yelling "Rudolph, you idiot I said the Schmidt house! "

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A little boy walked up to his grandfather on the front porch...

He saw his grandpa drinking a beer and asked if he could try it. His grandpa asked him in return, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy thought about it for a second and replied with a hesitant, "No." "Then you ain't a man yet so get outta here!"

A couple days later her see his ...

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What do sperm whales have on their front porch?

A whalecum mat.

2 farmers sitting on a porch just passin the time, shootin the sh!t

when a marijuana plant yells out of no where:

"You big dumb dark cow!"

One of the farmer turns to his friend and says

"look at the pot calling the cattle black"

An old woman needed her porch painted...

So she called up a guy and asked,

"Could you come by? I need to have my porch painted red."

"Yes ma'am, I'll be there in a jiffy. "

He shows up and let's the old lady know it shouldn't take him too long. She's surprised by this because her porch is large and wraps around the ho...

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Pissing on the Porch

A man and woman had a couple of children who were in high school, a boy and a girl. Now, the girl was quickly blossoming into a woman and growing quite attractive and popular with the boys. In fact, it seemed like there was a new boy at the front door every evening.

One morning after the gir...

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are sitting on the back porch one evening.

Thibodeaux hands Boudreaux a bottle of homemade bayou whiskey and says, "Boudreaux, I want you to have this bottle of whiskey as a gift from me to you."

Boudreaux thanks Thibodeaux and takes a swig out of the bottle.

Upon tasting the whiskey, Boureaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, "You...

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