UPJOKE
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Leaf Jokes

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?

The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.

What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?

This is a fine mesh we've gotten ourselves into!

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

Top managers are like leaf blowers.

They make a lot of air and noise moving a problem to another place. It stinks.

Why shouldn't you iron a 4 leaf clover?

You don't want to press your luck!

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when...

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What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to trees?

A leaf blower.

I just saw this guy going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet.

I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

What's the difference between the Toronto Maple Leafs and a sperm donor?

One blows leads, the other blows loads

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I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

They say dracula has turned over a new leaf

He's been re-vamped

leaf blowers are dangerous in battle

i hear they’re leaf-al

I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers...

But then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.

There were 3 brothers: Little Snowflake, Little Leaf, and Little Brick...

So one day Little Snowflake goes up to his mum and asks her:
- Why am I called like this?
- Because when you were born, a Snowflake fell on your forehead
So Lil' Snowie all excited goes up to his brothers and tells them that they should ask what about their names, so Little Leaf goes up to ...

I heard the Toronto Maple Leafs now have the milk board as their sponsor.

Now they only have to put in 2% of the effort.

This year, I've decided to turn over a new Leaf

Dealership wasn't very happy.

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A man goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf in his arse

Doctor says "no worries we can remove this easily"
Man replies "doc, this is just the tip of the iceberg"

What do you call an aged leaf drink?

Maturi-Tea

My leaf blower doesn’t work

It just sucks!

I turned over a brand new leaf today...

the folks at the Nissan dealership were not very happy with me.

Why is the forest floor covered in leaf litter?

Because nature abhors a vacuum

There was an Irish botanist that was trying to cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy...

He was hoping for a rash of good luck.

What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common...

They both look great until they hit the ice.

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

What fell to the floor first ... The depressed kid or a leaf???

The leaf cause the boy was left hanging

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Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

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"Mama, why is my brother's name Leaf?"

"Because when he was born, a leaf fell on his head."

"Well, why is my sister named Rose?"

"When she was born, a rose petal fell on her head."

"Then why is my name Brick?"

"Look, we just got sick of the nature theme, okay? Deal with it and be grateful your name isn't JizzA...

I tried my best to translate this from Romanian

A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender

Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?

Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.

Nun: Yes?

Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a lea...

What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup?

Turn off their console and go to sleep.

I got fired from my job of making leaf blowers...

because they all sucked.

Two ants, Jack and Rose, are sitting on a leaf on water. Suddenly, a small tide comes and upturns the leaf. Only the girl ant sinks…

…because the other is a buoy ant

Whats the difference between an emo kid and a leaf both falling from a tree?

Only the leaf reached the ground.

A mother had three sons: Leaf, Feather and Brick.

Leaf came one day to his mom and said: "Mom, why did you call me Leaf?"

"Well son, ", replied his mom, "When you were born a leaf fell on your head and it was so cute and I couldn't hold myself from naming you like that".

Years passed and Feather came one day to his mom and said: "Mom...

A Chicago Blackhawks fan, a Boston Bruins fan, a Montreal Canadiens fan, and a Toronto Maple Leafs fan are climbing up a cliff.

They are arguing over who is most loyal to their team. It gets to the point where, when they are halfway up the cliff, the Bruins fan yells, "This is for Boston!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.

The three remaining climbers continue to climb until they are three-quarters of the way up t...

How does loose leaf watch TV?

Paper-view

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A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find a WW2-era photo

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says: “It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men who murdered a great lot of innocent people, they made war and enslaved other people and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”

The ...

Eve wore a fig leaf in the garden but what did Adam wear?

He wore a hole in that fig leaf.

A mom is driving to the grocery store with her kids

One of her kids say, “Mom why did you name me Rose?”

The mom says, “When you were born and we walked out of the hospital with you a rose landed on your head so I named you Rose.”

Another one of her kids ask, “Mom why did you name me Leaf?”

The mom says, “When you were born an...

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just be...

A newlywed couple spent their first honeymoon night in an expensive Miami Beach hotel

Next morning the groom called room service and ordered a breakfast of bacon and eggs for himself, and a lettuce leaf for his wife. The clerk asked, “Would the lady care for anything else?” The husband replied “Not right now. I want to see if she eats like a rabbit, too”

I just check the weather app and spring still isn't arriving for the next 2 weeks.

I guess that means that the Leafs won't be out!

A dispute between two vegans at green grocers shop turned violent when one of them started throwing a leaf vegetable with somewhat jagged leaves at the other! The second vegan responded by picking them up and hurling them back!

It was either kale or be kaled.

How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nobody knows.

They always say they'll do it next year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man with a leaf of cabbage stuck in his ass went to the doctors...

"Doctor! Doctor! theres a piece of lettuce stuck in my ass, what should I do?"

The Doctor had a look and replied "would you like the good news, or the bad news first?"

"the good news" asked the Man.

"The good news is, it's only a piece of lettuce"

"and the bad news?"
<...

A girl runs up to her mother.

"Mummy, why am I named Feather?"
"Because when you were newborn a feather came falling from the sky and landed on your forehead."

Next day the little brother comes running.

"Mummy, why am I named Leaf?"
"Because when you were newborn a leaf came falling from the sky and lande...

I accidently mixed up some poison ivy with a 4 leafed clover

Ever since I've had a rash of good luck...

what is the one rule that a gang of vegan bros live by?

Leaf before beef

What does it mean when a groundhog sees a maple leaf on feb. 02?

...six more weeks of bad hockey!

I can't believe the Toronto maple leafs even have a website

They can't even put THREE W's together!

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

My friend told me this joke recently.

A girl asked her mother why she was named Rose.

Her mother replied, "Well, it's because as we were walking out of the hospital with you, a rose petal fell on your head. Because of that, we decided to name you Rose."

Rose asked, "So is that why my brother is named Leaf?"

"Yup." R...

What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl?

Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pull...

Bible lesson

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found...

Hey, I'm new to this Sub, and think I'm going to have a lot of fun here!

said the lettuce leaf foolishly. He was yet to come to terms that he, and eveyone else in this Sub, are going to be eaten.

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Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

At the dentist.

Was at the dentist this morning and there was a BMW brochure in the waiting room for some reason so I had a leaf through it and I was surprised to learn that indicators come as standard on them.

A little girl asks her mother why her name is Feather

"You see, daughter - when you were born, a feather blew in through the window and landed on your head." she replies.

"Then why is my name Leaf?" Asked her little brother. "You see," replied his mother - "when you were born, a leaf blew in through the window and landed on your head."

In...

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Neighbors pissed cause I wanted to surprise them with a clean yard before they woke up.

Hauled my leaf blower over there for no reason.

Spring has officially arrived in Ontario.

The Leafs are out.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Here’s a simple trick to follow if you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper.

Just take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

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