Goat Jokes - 103 Hilarious Goat Jokes

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

I was trying to milk a goat once...

One evening, I was going to milk a goat in the barn. As I started, the goat tried to kick me by her back leg. So I took a rope and tied her leg to one of the wooden poles in the barn.

I tried to continue, but she tried to kick me by the other back leg, so I took another rope and tied it to t...

A woman sends her husband to the market to sell a goat.

After selling it, he stopped by the blacksmith and bought a vise and a basket. He put the vise in the basket and headed home. On his way back, he saw a merchant selling livestock.
Having leftover money, he decided to buy a duck as well. The merchant tells him:
"Listen mister, I only have these...

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

A goat farmer and his wife one day went to feed the goats.

Unfortunately for her the male goat was particularly aggressive that day and mauled her to death. During her funeral the farmers brother came from another town. His brother was amazed how many people showed up to the funeral and said "Look how many people came to pay their respects to your wife" In ...

I dated a hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal.

I didn't get it, i was raised catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the zoo.

What do you get when you mix Human DNA and Goat DNA?

A stern police warning and a lifetime ban from the petting zoo

What did the father goat say to the mother goat when he denied that her baby was his?

"The kid is not my son."

You know what really gets my goat?

El Chupacabra

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

What does a rapping goat call their verbal drum skills?

Bleat boxing

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before;...

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff..

Baa- dum- ssss

Can anyone tell me the natural predator for young goats?

When I try to look it up I just get swatted

The 100 MPH Goat

*(I live in Tennessee. No offense to rednecks everywhere else...)*

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't...

What do you get when you cross a girrafe with a goat?

Arrested for unethical experimentation.

What do you get when you cross a horse with a goat?

You get a letter from the ethics committee and a stern reminder about responsible genetic experimentation!

Two goats are eating garbage

The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.

When he's done, the second one asks, "how did you like the movie?"

The first one responds, "it was OK, but I liked the book better."

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My coworker is a goat herder

I had a meeting the other day at work and we were waiting for a few others to show up. I told him a few things I had been doing and he told me that him and his family are goat herders on the side from their actual jobs. Have been for generations.

The goats provide milk and meat, they can sel...

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a two-legged goat

The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me, but why does that goat only have two legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "that goat is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the goat, an...

A farmer heard some funny noises from one of his goats.

Turns out the goat was just kidding.

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What's the shortest organ in a goat?

An ISIS member's dick.

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The shepherd and the lost goat

A TV crew was filming a documentary in a small mountain village, and for their ending sequence they wanted to interview one of the many shepherds around.

\- So, could you tell us about a happy memory being a shepherd here?
\- A happy memory... mmmh... Yes, see, there was that time. A goa...

Have you heard about the new show about mountain goats?

Every episode ends on a cliffhanger.

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, ...

How did the Muslim find the goat in the field?

Very Satisfying.

What kind of pants do goats wear?

Billie Jeans

So... two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.

The first guy says "That looks like a deep hole."
The second guy says "That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out." He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang ^bang .... They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it...

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A drunk farmer enters the bedroom holding a goat in his arms.

He turns to his wife who’s laying in their bed trying to sleep and says:
„Look honey, this is the pig I fuck when you’re not in the mood.“

With a look of confusion his wife replies:
„that is a goat you stupid idiot“

Farmer replies:
„Who the hell is talking to you?“

If you take goat milk onto the ISS...

... it becomes oat milk.

A cow, a goat, and a pig were trying to cross a river one late afternoon

Unfortunately, the river is home to a big mean alligator with a voracious appetite.

"We have no choice but to cross the river anyways, or we will starve on this side." says the cow and she crosses the river. Miraculously, she was unharmed. The gator only looks at her with indifference and let...

[OC] Whats a mountain goats favourite name?

Cliff

The farmer who had a horse and a goat.

This Will Blow Your Mind.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to ...

A few thousand years ago an Arab guy made the very first condom out of a goat’s intestines.

A little after the Greeks perfected it by taking the organs out of the goat first.

How do sheep feel about goats?

Meh.

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Guy walks into his bedroom with a goat under his arm...

He says, "This is the pig I fuck when you're not around.

His wife says, "You dumb asshole, that's a goat, not a pig."

He shoots back, "Who the hell did you think I was talking to?"

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

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Purty goat

A young man got his first real job with a mining company. The mining camp was way out in the hinterlands- there wasn't even a town within a two hour drive. A couple of days in he realizes the men have taken to satisfying their manly urges with goats who were grazed nearby. He expressed his disgust, ...

The nanny goat told her mate that she was pregnant.

She was kidding.

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So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.

Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex.

So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pa...

I took a photo of a goat and showed him. Guess it didnt like it..

His reaction was "Meh"..

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A man is ship wrecked on an island with a dog and a goat...

Several months go by and he’s horny as ever and decides he needs some action from someone or something. So the goats not looking half bad. But whenever he tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous and snaps and growls at him until he backs off.

So some time goes by and eventually...

What do you get when you combine a goat egg and a goat sperm?

A Zy-Goat

I'll escort myself out.

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A modest country joke [OC]

I once visited a small town. It was a country town. I asked the locals "What is there to do around here?" One of the old timers said "Well, we have a brothel."

So I went to the brothel and asked "how much does it cost?" They answered "Well, these are simple country girls, it costs a chicken f...

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Black or white goat

TV ANCHOR INTERVIEWING A FARMER.

Anchor: what do you feed your goats?
Farmer: black one or white one?

Anchor: white one...
Farmer: grass.

Anchor: and black one??
Farmer: i give her grass too?

Anchor: where do they sleep?
Farmer: which one, black or white?
<...

Two Hunters and a Goat

Two hunters are walking along in the deep of autumn, stalking a buck, when they come across a clean-cut, 10-ft diameter hole, that goes too deep to see the bottom.

“A sinkhole?” one hunter asks, “How deep does this go?” The other shrugs.

The first hunter looks around and finds a stick,...

This Goat walks into a post office

And says to the Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The Goat says "I need it to say, maa maa maa maa maa maa maa." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 4 more "MAAs" in for you."
The Goat looks at him and say...

Where do you find a goat with no legs?

Right where you left it

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

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A reporter went to a small village...

And asked one of the villagers, "hey could you tell me a story about your village?" The villager says "well one time a neighbors goat got lost in the mountains, and we all got together to look for it, and then we found it. We all celebrated and drank and then we all had sex with the goat".

T...

Why did the farmer stop stuffing goats into his truck?

There was no more ruminant.

How does a Pakistani man find a goat in the mountains?

How does a Pakistani man find a goat in the mountains?

Quite lovely, actually.

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One fine day, the three billy goats...

One fine day, the three billy goats gruff went out for a walk. They took their usual path over the sweet grassy hills towards the river where they would cross the stone bridge and climb the mountain.

When they reached the bridge they were surprised to see the Troll waiting for them, stand...

What did the papa goat say to the mama goat when she was giving birth?

You've goat to be kidding me!

A goat walks into a bar and sits down.

The bartender puts a coaster in front of him. The goat eats the coaster and says, "I'll have one more please and then I'll pay my tab."

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The three Billy Goats and their endowment

I heard this one in high school; I believe from an ostensible lab partner who mostly told lewd jokes instead of doing assignments:

You might remember the old fairy tale of the three Billy Goats who were confronted by a troll while crossing a bridge. Well it was a day just like that one, wher...

Remember this: Everything is eventually reincarnated as a small, goat-like mammal.

Because everything old is gnu again.

What do you call a mountain goat with a fear of heights?

A goat

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My great Grandpa Randy was a brick layer...

He said, "I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.'

Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'

But you fuck just one goat.

What’s a goat man’s favourite day of the week?

Satyrday.

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Lost goat

So these two redneck guys are walking through a forest and hunting for squirrels and rodents and shit. They come across a giant sink hole in a wide open cut of the forest. One redneck says to the other “ I wonder how deep this here hole is.” The other redneck says “let’s find something to throw in t...

What is the difference between a fish and a goat

One mucks around in fountains

Walking through the woods……..

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how l...

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

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The Goat Joke. (dirty)

So this guy gets stranded on a desert island and he's there alone for years. The only fun thing he can do to pass the time is jerk off. After a while he gets sick of it though and wants to have sex. But the only other living thing on this island is this goat. So he decides he's going to fuck the goa...

What did the goat say when it walked across the street?

Baaah

Oh my goat!

Two guys are walking through the forest, and they stumble across a giant hole. They wonder how far down it goes, and try to find something to throw into the hole. One man finds an anvil, and throws it down. They wait for a few seconds and don't hear anything. Suddenly they see a goat running towards...

I love Sweden and I love goats...

So, I went to the website goat.se... let's just say it was not what I expected.

What did the crooner sing after hearing about the extinction of goats?

"There will never be another ewe."

(yes, it's a groaner, but i'm willing to bear the embarrassment because I made up the joke myself!)

Billy is the perfect name for a newborn goat.

As a child, it'll be "Billy the Kid." As an adult, it'll be a "Billy Goat."

Goat

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong but I say whatever floats your goat.

Happy stories from a remote village

A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:
"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village...

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have spoken to a ghost?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Paddy right at the back.
...

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The Goat

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-...

I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat.

It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..."

"I'm not kidding."

You know why you can’t trust a lady goat?

Because they’re always kidding.

What do you call a goat that likes cleaning?

A roomba-a-aa-aa.

(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)

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A TV crew went to interview the oldest man living in a small village

"Can you tell us what was the happiest moment you can remember?"

"That was when Mary Jones got lost on the hills over there. We organized a search party and when we found her we were so happy that we had a special celebration, everybody got drunk and all the men in the village fucked Mary Jon...

Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week?

The news has dubbed him "Billy the Kid."

We now have a goat in our bedroom.

'But what about the smell?'

'I think the animal will get used to it.'

(Hope that works in English too.)

What do you call the best Runescape player in the world?

The 'Scape GOAT

Two goats chew on a VHS tape.

The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*

Me: I have trained this goat to talk.

Karen: This would be fun to see.

Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?

Goat: Mee

Me[to goat]: Who's my pet?

Goat: Mee

Karen: Ah, its boring

Me: Wait it gets better

Goat: It gets way better, Karen!

How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes?

Very satisfying.

My uncle had a goat with no nose.

It smelled terrible.

Be Nice To Goats

They’re Just Kids

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The Goat Joke

A burly Scottish man enters a bar and slumps down at a table. The bartender, a fairly caring guy, gives him a beer on the house and asks him whats wrong. "A lot is wrong, lad."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Sure, I don't have anything more to lose. Three months. I spent *three whole mo...

Scientist have found a rare mutation in some goats...

It's called the Billy gene and causes them to believe that the kid is not their son.

I looooove goats

Nah, just kiddin' they milk everyone of fun

My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas.

I said, you're kidding me.

A goat and a hole

Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can’t see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen… Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that’s...

Have you seen my goat?

Two guys were walking through the woods when they came upon a huge hole. They wondered how deep it was so they stared to drop things down it. They started with a stone, and listened. Nothing. Then a large log. Still nothing. Then they found a huge piece of concrete. The two of them struggled to get ...

Where does an angry goat write down its problems?

On the ram-page

Goat for Dinner

A young couple invited their elderly preacher for Sunday dinner.

When he arrived, they showed him into the family room, introduced him to their 5-year old son who was playing an old Nintendo game, and disappeared into the kitchen to bring out some refreshment. The minister asked their s...

A lion is about to eat a goat

The goat says, "Please spare me and convert to christianity."

The lion says, "Goat to hell!"

A goat shaved away it's beard and remarked

Not by the glare of my chinny chin chin

I hate when people pet baby goats

You’re literally touching kids, perverts!

A goat goes into labor.

She screams "I'm dying!" Her husband asks "really?" She replies "no I'm kidding"

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

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