Civil War Jokes - 49 Hilarious Civil War Jokes

What was Morgan Freeman called before the Civil War?

Morgan

I'm not a fan of Civil War jokes.

I General Lee do not find them funny.

Civil war

To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

Why do the French have so many civil wars?

So they can win one every now and again. (Thanks, John Cleese! This was too good not to share.)

A young Jewish boy goes to a new school in a small American mid-west town

The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”
A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.”
The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the ans...

In Captain America: Civil War, why wasn't Wanda allowed to leave her apartment?

Because she was under super-Vision.

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What would a Dalek reincarnated as Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War say?

Emancipate! Emancipate!

[SPOILER] Ending of Civil War.

Lincoln gets killed at the end.

Why did the Mexican civil war last so long?

Because they were fighting Juan on Juan.

Why wasn't Daredevil in Civil War?

He doesn't work well with Vision

Who is Donald Trump's favorite Civil War General?

Stonewall Jackson

(disclaimer I don't actually know who his favorite general is)

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

What do you call a goody two-shoes who gets injured in the civil war?

Goody one-shoe.

I was researching the Jackson family tree.

I got back as far as the civil war and then I hit a stone wall.

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

What does the Korean civil war and a Korean gambler have in common ?

A Korean lost a Korean won

What did the Middle East say when they saw Yemen having another civil war?

Oman, here we go again...

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

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It's the last day of school and Little Johnny is ready to go home.

The teacher says, "To be dismissed from class and go to the playground while you wait for your parents to pick you up, you have to answer a history question correctly."

Teacher asks, "Who was the 1st president? Maria?"

Maria says, "That's easy, George Washington!"

"Very good, yo...

A 178 year old Civil War survivor told me this joke.

Me: "Hey old man, tell me a joke from the war!!"

Him: "I can't remember any - I General Lee didnt find them very funny."

Why are there no more civil war reenactments any more?

Half the guys keep getting into fights and being arrested on their way to events.

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.

Now it's considered kid stuff.

Southerners can do pretty good civil war voice impressions....

General Lee speaking.

What caused the civil war in Ethiopia?

Too many Negus.

Me: "Dude! Help! I'm convinced that I'm possessed by the ghost of an American Civil War General!" Ed: "That's incredible! Are you sure, man?"

Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."

Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"

Me: "General Lee? No."

Tony Stark gives TED talks for a post-Iron Man living

He has done it many times before, and his 'If you're nothing without it then you shouldn't have it' motto is widely followed by the entire world.

"But I'm nothing without GTA V!" "If you're nothing without GTA V then you shouldn't have it." for example.

One day, the entire world is in ...

The difference between a cookie and a cracker.

Cookies don't care if you pull down a civil war statue.

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence.

I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

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A true story that has a punchline

I was standing out in front of a big box store with my dad, waiting on my Aunt to shop. When we see a beautiful African American lady walk past in yoga pants. I’m talking drop dead gorgeous!

After watching her walk into the store, my dad comments “Holy crap, those should be illegal!”

I...

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

Donald Trump doesn't believe there were any lynchings during the Civil War.

When asked about it, He said it was just a case of Fake Noose

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Old Soviet jokes get more relevant everyday.

A few years into Kruschev's reign an old man was in line at the meat market. He waited, and waited, and after 3 hours just couldn't take it anymore. He started yelling "Goddammit! I fought for Lenin in the civil war, I fought for Stalin in World War II! And we're still stuck in this bullshit!"
...

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

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The power of booze.

Chapayev was a famous Red Army commander during the Russian Civil War.
He often travelled with a young aid named Peter.
One day they were holding a farm until reinforcements would arrive.

- Commander, I got from the radio that the enemy is five miles away!
- Let's drink to it.
Th...

One day, Johnny's teacher asks him...

One day, Johnny's teacher asks him to give her a sentence about the Civil War. She tells him to talk about defense and defeat and instructs him to use detail in his sentence. So Johnny says "When the war horse jumped over defense, defeat came before detail."

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The Firing Squad

Four gunmen are standing in the woods, recently deputized by the new regime in the budding of a civil war. Before them, a gagged and hooded prisoner on their knees, sobbing at the edge of an empty grave. Behind them, nine already filled.

The first looks nervous. "I've been counting the prison...

I come from a stupid family.

During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the West!

Medical bills are expensive

but let's take comfort that it isn't like the civil war era. Doctors would charge an arm and a leg back than

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

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Fan's of Marvel should be happy with the election results.

Looks like you'll be getting a Civil War sequel much earlier than anticipated.

A preacher in the Wild West, ...

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, c...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

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A business owner is looking to have a painting commissioned...

He has this decently sized white wall in his office, and asks a local artist to paint a mural on it.

The artist asks, "Well, what kind of mural were you thinking?"

The owner is a huge American History buff. He thinks for a bit, about the revolutionary war, the civil war... he decides ...

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