Cold War Jokes - 49 Hilarious Cold War Jokes

Two communist soldiers stood by the Berlin wall during The Cold War.

Soldier 1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Soldier 2: Yes I am.

Soldier 1: Then I'll have to arrest you.

Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.

CIA go first. After 24 hours, they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthrew the King S...

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This was a joke that I was told last year by my tour guide in Berlin about Cold War-era Russia.

Every morning, General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev would go out onto his balcony and stretch. He would look up at the sun, rising in the East and go, “Good morning, Sun. It is a beautiful day outside.”

The sun would reply, “Good morning, General Secretary! Thank you for admiring my work!”
...

At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

Why were Russians indifferent about the Cold War?

Because they lived in the So Be It Union

Why was the cold war such a long period with little fighting?

Because the Russian President was Stalin.

Old Cold War joke

A Russian and an American are talking about their countries. The American said, " we have the most freedom in the world, I can march into the White House bang on the president's desk and say sir I do not like how this country is being run." The Russian replied," I can do that too, I can march into t...

1, 2, 3, 4 I declare a cold war...

5, 6, 7, 8 loser is a buffer state.

Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

What did the paraplegic track event and the Cold War have in common?

They were both an arms race.

A joke told to me by an ex-NSA spook who worked in Western Germany during the Cold War. It describes the past leaders of the USSR perfectly.

Lenin, Stalin, Brezhnev, and Gorbachev are on a train to the Great Worker's Rally in Moscow. Suddenly, the train stops and the great men get out to discover that there are no tracks in front of the train. Worried about making it to the rally on time, the men start discussing a solution.

Lenin...

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

I'm joining a cold war reenactment group.

We get together on weekends and hide under desks.

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

“We are civiliz...

A Ronald Reagan cold War joke

An American,Polish and Russian dog were sitting together.

The American dog started talking : it is great living in America you can bark all day in the fields and at night you get a big beefy peice of meat.

The polish dog asked : what is meat ?

The Russian dog asked : what is bar...

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

The Senate committee just released a report about the Cold War.

They found that in response to Sesame Street promoting friendship, racial equality, and care, the CIA captured the Count and forced him to run through truckloads of rice.

Why was it called the Cold War?

Because of all the Icy-BMs!

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...

During the cold war

The USSR had an epidemic of unplanned pregnancies, so they unwillfuly asked the US for aid since they dudnt had the technology to produce good condoms. They didn't wanted to look weak so they asked for 1 billion 11 inch condoms. The Americans got their request and didn't wanted to look weak either, ...

TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

During Cold War, Mossad, CIA and KGB argue which is the best secret service.

They decide to hunt for hogs in a forest. The organization with the most kills after one hour gets the award.

Mossad send in Schlomo, their best agent. After one hour he presents three hogs, all with a clean shot between the eyes.

CIA orders an attack helicopter, spots a sounder and k...

The Cold War was so anticlimactic...

I mean, most of it was just Stalin.

During the Cold War, a British officer goes into a Cologne brothel.

He stands smartly at ease in front of the madame and says "*Guten abend*! May I enquire what your payment might be for the pleasure of my company?"

She looks him up and down, considers his rank and the likely size of his pay packet, and says "*Herr Hauptmann*, two hundred and fifty Deutschmar...

At the height of the Cold War...

At the height of the Cold War, a landmark summit was convened with leaders from every province within the Soviet Union. The representatives arrived very early but the meeting was still delayed. Why?

They were all Russian, but one was Stalin

Note: made this up after being inspired b...

I'm getting sick of all these reboots of old classics

Cold War (2022) is not as good as the original.

The greatest devastation from the Cold War ...

is that most Americans believe it was an actual war.

From the Cold War archives

In the 1950s, when Cold War tensions were at their height, the Soviet Red Army unexpectedly placed an order with the U.S. Defense Department's procurement office. The order asked for five million boxes of twelve-inch long condoms. The unusual request was sent up the chain to the Joint Chiefs of St...

What did the back-then USA president commented about the USSR during a press conference at the mere start of the Cold War?

"If those reds wanna be commies, then **SO BE IT**"

My first actual english joke-pun, please don't be harsh xD

Pick a super power

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and starts chatting the bartender up. "If you could have any superpower which one would you want?" he asks the bartender. "Cold war Russia, I guess," the bartender replies.

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

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A 'Cold War' joke I tought up today...

It's early September, 1984. Children around the world are going back to school. Despite living on opposing sides of the Iron Curtain, two Mathematics teachers, one in the United States and the other in the Soviet Union, ask their respective classes the same question.

"OK class." Said the Amer...

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

Which three American Generals won the most during the cold war?

General Motors, General Electric, and General Dynamics.

Polish biker

During the times of the cold war and the iron curtain, a Pole with a bike and a bag full of sand was crossing the border to east Germany. At the border control point the guard said:

\-Sir we need to search your bag for any smuggled goods.

They went through the bag and found nothing but...

So countries are basically competing to most effectively manage a virus that makes people cough and sneeze. Does that make this...

A Cold War?

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The USA and USSR decide to end the cold war with a dogfight

The Americans and Soviets, at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the...

During the Cold War, there was an East German couple who were outside one evening when it was lightly precipitating...

They got into an argument, the man claiming it was raining, and the woman claiming it was snowing.

During the heat of the argument, they spotted a well known local official walking past.

The wife exclaimed, "We will ask Brother Rudolph for the official word from the Party!"
...

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The suspicious Soviet.

In the heat of the Cold war, the American C.I.A decides to send one of their best spy in Soviet Russia. The spy speak perfect Russians and learn the culture and history of the Russians.

Upon arrival in Moscow, the spies takes photography of nuclear implant, he follows Soviets politician throu...

So, tensions with Russia flair up...

... And the Cold War reignites. With both the USA and Russia standing on the brink of total nuclear annihilation, the leaders decide to meet. Both agree that nothing on earth is worth an apocalypse, so they decide to end things once and for all; with a winner-takes-all dogfight. Both sides have 5 ye...

The day after the JFK assassination

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ...

If Russia is good at

Defeating it's enemies in winter, why did they loose the Cold War?

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

Moon race

During Cold War when the space race was at its highest. Following is an report of communication between Houston and US moon rocket.

USMR: Houston, we see the SSSR ship approaching the Moon.

Houston: You have your orders. Just wait.

USMR: Houston, the SSSR ship is in the Moon orb...

Trump is a genius

Bringing back the cold war to combat climate change.

Truly a man of the ages.

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American P. O. W

At the end of the cold war their was an American Prisoner Of War still being held at a Russian military camp, The Russian commander walks up to the American and says "Your in luck my American friend for the war has ended." I am a fair commander but you have killed several of my men, I will however g...

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump go to heaven.

They are called before God’s throne. “Who are you, and what good did you do on earth?”, God asks Reagan. “I am Ronald Reagan, oh Lord, and I won the Cold War”, Reagan answers. “Very well”, God says, “Take the seat to my right.” He then turns to Clinton and asks him the same question. “I am Bill Clin...

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