UPJOKE

Your Grandmother Jokes

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

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What do you call your grandmothers husband?

Grandmotherfucker

What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial.

Instagram

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NSFW What’s worse than having sex with your grandmother?

Knocking your head on the coffin

What's worse than getting hot and bothered with your grandmother?

Being thrown out of the crematorium before you finish.

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What is the worst part about licking your grandmothers pussy

Hitting your head on the lid of the coffin

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A mother baking in Somalia

One day a mother was baking bread in Somalia, when her son thought it would be awesome to play white. So he threw flour all over him and said "Mommy, look! I'm white".

His mother slapped him instantly and said "Go to your father and show him what you've done."
His father slapped him i...

What do you tell your grandmother when she doesn't want to go to a nursing home?

"It won't be for long."

Regarding Little Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother

Even Grandpa won’t do that.

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Whats the worst part of eating 11 raw oysters out of your grandmothers vagina?

Realizing you only put 10 in

A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk around the yard after a rainstorm.

Seeing worms all over the sidewalk the grandfather decided to play a little prank on his grandson. "Billy," he says "I'll give you ten dollars if you can take one of those worms and put it back in it's hole."

Thinking this to be impossible, he watched as Billy played around with a worm for a ...

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There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the ...

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Grown-up words.

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

>"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly s...

The end is near

Every time a little boy went to his friend's house, he found the that his grandmother was always deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why does your grandmother read the Bible so much?” he asked.

“I don't know,” said his friend, “but I think she’s...

A mexican boy with the desire to be white

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

He says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look...

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Greek are captured by cannibals in Africa.

The chief of the tribe offers to free anyone who succeeds in three tests: drink a ton of wine, pull a thorn from the sacred lion's foot, and have sex with his hundred-year-old grandmother.
They lead the Englishman to the wine hut, he starts drinking but doesn't even get halfway through. The nat...

A Mexican boy and his grandmother were making enchiladas....

A Mexican boy and his grandmother were making enchiladas when the boy grabbed some flour and smeared it on his face and said "Grandma look! I'm a white boy!". The grandmother immediately slapped him and said "Go talk to your mother!". The boy finds his mother in the garden and says "Mama look! I'm a...

Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?

Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.

Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?

Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.

Girl 3: Jwoandb...

My mother gave me a pendant for my birthday

It was a special gift with a picture of my late grandmother inside.

I thanked her profusely, but I had to ask, “this is such a unique gift. What made you decide on this specific piece of jewelry?”

She responded “well, your grandmother has always been a strong, in-da-pendant type of wo...

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

My Grandparents are old school conservative

My wife and I went to stay with them so they demanded I share a bad with my grandfather and my wife would share a bed when my grandmother.

In the middle of the night my grandad shakes me awake and I ask "what's wrong?"

He says to me "I'm going down to service your grandmother and I'll ...

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff

It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother

Once, a grandson was talking to his grandmother

He asked her, “Grandma, why don’t you have a boyfriend?” She replied, “Why, I like to think that my T.V. is my boyfriend. The T.V. gives me everything I want. It makes me happy, it entertains me, it does everything I want, so I like to think that it’s my boyfriend.” Just as she was saying this, the ...

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Ever been driving down the highway smoking a cigarette

and you throw the butt out the window and a couple minutes later you smell something so you turn around and look in the back seat to find your grandmother fingering herself?

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It's the first day of 3rd grade...

Their teacher wanted them to behave more grown up since they were no longer in second grade.

As such, the teacher told them to use grownup words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

Susie went first and said she went to see her Nana....

What do you say to a young woman driving a Buick?

Sorry about your grandmother

A grandfather and his young grandson were out walking one morning after a light rain...

They notice an earthworm on the ground having just crawled out of its burrow.

“Tell you what- if you can figure out a way to get that worm back in its hole, I’ll give you $10.”

The kid thinks for a second and tells his grandpa he’ll be right back.

He returns a few minutes lat...

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Researchers have found that human sexuality has drastically changed in the last 50 years alone. (NSFW)

If your grandparents covered their furniture in plastic, it was because your grandmother was a squirter.

The Chemical

*One day a boy came home from school. when his grandfather saw him and noticed that his index finger was still and did not move. The grandfather asked him: My dear grandson, why is your finger like this? The boy replied: In the chemistry lab, a chemical was spilled on my finger and the school doctor...

“Do you believe in life after death?”

Asked the boss to his employee.

“No, I don’t.... why do you ask?”

“Well, your grandmother who died and you took off yesterday to go to the funeral for....

She stopped in this morning to say hi to you!”

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Choice of vaccine

The choice of vaccine must be made with care.

"Grandma, what vaccine would you like to do?"

"I'm waiting for Johnson & Johnson, I was already using shampoo and I was always happy"

"Grandpa and you?"

"Me Pfizer, I was already using Viagra and your grandmother alway...

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Little League Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The litt...

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

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A man goes on vacation and leaves his neighbor to watch his cat

The man comes back home and his neighbor meets him at the door.

"Dude, your cat got hit by a car and died while you were gone."

The man is distraught, "man, you can't just drop a bomb straight up like that! You've gotta soften the blow!"

"Soften it how," the neighbor asks.
...

Crazy Story

A crow showed up at my window and he spoke to me. He said, “Your grandmother will die tomorrow”. So, I told my family, and they looked at me like I was crazy. The next day when I walked downstairs, I see my mother and father grieving. I asked what was wrong and my father told me that my grandmother ...

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The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

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Can you Imagine?

Can you imagine stuffing pictures of your grandmother in a strippers G string?

Imagine you are Prince Harry

A lieutenant gets some bad news for a recruit.

He takes the drill sergeant aside and asks him to convey to Private Smith that his grandma passed away 2 days ago but to break the news gently.

The drill sergeant gets the recruits in formation and says “If both of your grandmothers are still alive, step forward! As some of the recruits begin...

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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A teenager is at his grandparents' house

He's staying for the weekend and it's pouring down rain outside. He's frustrated that he has to stay inside, so he sits at the window complaining. His grandfather comes up and sits next to him, resting an easy hand on his shoulder before speaking gently.

"Looks like it's raining a fair bit ou...

A seventy year old man goes to the doctor...

A seventy year old man is at the doctor’s office for a routine checkup. After the examination, the doctor tells the man that he is in great physical condition for his age, in fact amazing condition for a man even half his age. The doctor asks how he does it, and the patient tells him that it’s good ...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

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A man sitting at a bar told the bartender, “my grandmother had a great ass.”

The bartender was shocked. “Jesus, man, you gotta be fucking sick to talk about your grandmother that way.” The man got mad, “Jesus Christ, come on! I’m not talking about her rear end, she had a donkey, it lived forever, and worked hard for her.” The bartender apologized. Later on the man said, a l...

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

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Coming in from the snow one evening, a polar bear cub asked his mother, “Mom, am I 100% polar bear?“

His mother replied, “Yes, son! I am 100% polar bear and your father is 100% polar bear so that makes you 100% polar bear.“

Still not satisfied, the cub went to his father who gave him the same answer. “Of course, son! Both your grandmothers were 100% polar bear and both your grandfathers were...

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*The most messed up jokes you know*

I'll start: What’s worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother’s pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.

A teacher worked for an affluential school

She asks her little students to bring something from their family for a show and tell. The next day, she calls little Mary to show what she had brought.

"I've brought a scalpel, teacher. It's my mom's, she is a heart surgeon"

"Oh, how marvelous! And you, Luke, what do you have there?"<...

I was talking to my grandfather about tattoos...

He told me he never got one but I asked him if he did, what would he get. He told me he would have gotten a beautiful woman's face. I asked where he would have gotten it and he said "On your grandmother's face"

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Sometimes me and my brothers used to mess with grandpa.

Once we asked him if he knew what a sex tape was.

He nodded thoughtfully. 'Sex tapes? Sure, we have those, but your grandmother prefers cuffs.'

Mum!! Please can you take me to the toilet?

No! I'm busy. Ask your grandmother.

Actually I'd rather ask Grandad. His hand shakes more.

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I guy I knew about 10 years ago was really into older women (NSFL)

And when I say older, I'm talking about your grandmother.



He met this one lady who was obviously flattered by the attention. They talked for a while, laughing and exchanging stories about each other, they were really hitting it off.



Then he suggested going back to her p...

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“You just awoke.” Grandpa asks, “Why so blue?”

I reply, "Well, looks like I drunk texted 3 of my exes last night before I slept.”

“I know how you feel.” He goes, “I did that too before I met your grandmother.”

“You texted?” I ask.

“No,” he says, “I’d drink whiskey all night and get pissed drunk.

Then wake up the next...

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Crystal had her first period...

Crystal had her first period when she was alone at home and didn't knew what to do.

So, Cristal remembered that her friend, Johnny had a sister and went to his home.

When she arrived, she asks:

Hi Johnny, is your sister at home?

No, Crystal, why? you hardly speak to her. ...

Man with Alzheimers tries to sell family a coffin

Man asks the son first : "I can tell you're a man of a refined taste. I'll sell you a coffin for 20% less".

Son anwsers : "I'm in mid 20's,i don't need it"

(Man realizes his mistake in asking the youngest, he changes strategies and asks about the oldest person in the family)

Man...

...How did you do it?

There was once a train operator who had been driving trains for well over 20 years. Over the course of his career, he had experienced a number of close calls in the accident department. At long last, sadly, he hit a schoolbus full of children on its way out of the elementary school parking lot, kill...

A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, "Your cat got run over by a car and died." The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell ...

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