UPJOKE

Your Girlfriend Jokes

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

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What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

Hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

What’s the difference between your salad and your girlfriend?

You dress your salad before you eat it.

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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."

"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child?

For arguments sake, let's say you've been dating for 3 years, and the child is 6 weeks old.

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Cute names to call your girlfriend with

1.sugar

2.honey

3.flour

4.egg

5.1/2 lb butter

6.stir

7.pour into pan

8.preheat to 375°

What can you say about your car, but not your girlfriend?

She died last week, but I still use some of the parts

If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour...

which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?

"How old is your girlfriend?" "She's52"

"Haha, dude, she could be your mom!"

"Yeah, actually it's yours"

If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off"

"In your daughter" is the wrong answer

Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”

Man: “Yeah but she’s got a great personality”

What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?

The knife has a point.

What's one thing you could say about your house, but not about your girlfriend?

"I have another one down the shore. Only visit on weekends. Sometimes I share it with my brother. "

What’s the difference between your boss and your girlfriend?

Your girlfriend appreciates when you come late.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings...

You know she's a keeper...

Imagine coming home getting in bed with your girlfriend

you tell her a joke and the guy under the bed starts laughing

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The only reason your girlfriend likes to suck your cock.....

.....is because her parents told her to enjoy the little things in life.

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Why did you break up with your girlfriend? You described the sex as mind blowing?

That's right. She didn't mind blowing other guys.

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What is common between a 9volt battery and your girlfriend's anus?

You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you'll put your tongue on it.

Your girlfriend is like cryptos..

She goes down on me when least expected.

You have $500 dollars. Your friend wants to borrow $200 and your girlfriend wants $100.

What do you have left?

$500 and two left on read messages.

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How do you know your girlfriend is too young for you?

You have to make airplane noises to put your dick in her mouth

Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

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Whats the best way to make your girlfriend orgasm?

I could really use some advice.

If you call your girlfriend dumb...

Can you say you are f*cking dumb?

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

What do you call it when you accidentally knock up your girlfriend?

A misconception

Talking with your girlfriend is just like software installation EULA

you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says

What does an oasis and your girlfriend have in common

They're both hallucinations

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How do you get your girlfriend to stop sucking your dick?

Marry her

Bro.. Your girlfriend is cheating on you!

Damn!! Which one?

What's the worst thing about your girlfriend having a miscarriage?

Trying to look upset.

They told him: your girlfriend is cheating on you..

He wiped away his tears & asked : Which one ?

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?

Whoopsie Daisies

To being able to dance with your girlfriend during quarantine

First imagine you have a girlfriend

If your girlfriend starts smoking...

...I would highly advise slowing down and using some lube

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2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position !"

"I haven't heard of that ... " says the other cowboy, "what is it ?"
"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds !"

Rating your girlfriend

A bartender notices one of his regulars looking dejected.

" Hey John, what happened to you?"

" My girlfriend broke up with me. "

Interested, the bartender leans forward and asks why.

" Well. This morning I told her she was a 60."

" Well that's kinda understan...

Your girlfriend's so ugly

She made Stevie Wonder flinch

What's the difference between a mosquito and your girlfriend?

Your girlfriend will keep sucking even after you slap it.

How do you tell if your girlfriend's ticklish?

You give her a test tickle.

Your girlfriend thinks I'm hot

Help me buy her some glasses.

What's the difference between your girlfriend and your dog?

You don't need to choke your dog to make it come.

What dessert best describes your girlfriend after a workout?

Sorbet

Your girlfriend is so ugly

When she walks by a construction zone , workers get back to work

What your Girlfriend and Santa Claus have in common?

You want them to come. But do they?

Dear men, when your girlfriend suggest which of her friends you want to be included in a threesome..

You are supposed to tell one name , not two..

Trust me, I'm speaking from experience...

What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend?

# It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.

# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.

# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.

# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

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What did you get your girlfriend for Valentine's day?

A T-shirt and a vibrator. If she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting chubby?

She fits in your wife's pants.

Credit goes to: An unknown schmeckle with far more game than me.

What do you message your girlfriend when you get into a street fight

Send dudes!!!

If your girlfriend and your sister swapped bodies, which one would you sleep with?

Trick question, they're the same person.

Your girlfriend may be too young if…

If she's "this many".

How to lose your girlfriend/wife in 2 steps

Step 1- start an argument
Step 2- provide a logical explanation of why you started it.

What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary?

Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember.

What can you say about your phone but not your girlfriend?

I let my friend borrow it when theirs is dead.

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Don't you hate it when your girlfriend yells out a different name during sex

Like bitch, my name isn't "someone help"

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