UPJOKE

Your Friends Jokes

Today a friend said to me: "Marco, aren't you sad to see your friends getting married and you being single at 43?"

I replied:

"Yes, I am, but I don't know how to help them."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...

.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...

*coughs*

Alligators can be your friends.

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.
Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the farmer decid...

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

Never assume what your friends have been up to

Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”.


The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve a...

What do you call it when every one of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes?

A pundemic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Statistically, one out of 10 of your friends is gay.

I think it might be Steve, he's really sexy.

If I killed all of your friends.

I still wouldn't be a murderer

You can blow your nose, you can blow your friends

but you can't blow your friend's nose

What do your friends say when you get rejected by your sister from Alabama?

Damn bro you got chromo-zoned.

How can you tell which of your friends went to Harvard?

Don't worry they'll tell you



this is a super old joke and I'm sorry for repeating it, I just heard someone tell me they went to Harvard

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

Like within stabbing distance.

It’s much more practical that way.

Which of your friends is the best at Chess?

My Czech mate

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

Him: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Her: "OK, maybe writing out own wedding vows was a mistake."

What do you tell your friends when you buy a graphics card to flex on them?

..It’s just for display.

Keep your friends at least 6 feet apart

... and your enemies closer.

*- Sun Tzu*

An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...

Try it on your friends...

Guy walks up to a blonde woman, "Hey do you get many blonde jokes?"

She says "No, not really."

"Yeah, that's kinda what I figured."

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

I invented a special flashlight for finding your friends

I'm calling it bud light

You and two of your friends die and go to Heaven. At the gates, ...

St. Peter greets all of you, "Welcome to Heaven, guys. You all lived pretty good lives, so we're going to let you all in. We only have one rule in Heaven - don't step on any ducks."

Friend 1 thinks, that must be a pretty easy rule to follow.

Then the three of you walk through the gates...

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine Learning algorithm: yes.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose...

... but you can’t wipe your friends off underneath the couch.

Want to follow social distancing guidelines but still meet with your friends and family?

Just gather in groups of three, as there will be 6 feet between all of you :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wouldn't it be weird to see your friends star in commercials?

Frank was watching TV one night and saw his good friend Bob starring in a Viagra commercial. Frank thought Bob and him were pretty close, so he was surprised he hadn't heard about this before.

He calls to his wife in the other room and says, "Hey Susan, did you know Bob is in a Viagra commerc...

What is it called when you accidentally kill one of your friends?

Homiecide

If you dress the way your friends tell you to...

Would that be giving in to appear pressure?

What do you call a bunch of ghosts that are your friends?

Hauntourage.

My mom used to say "you love your friends more than your family don't you?"

No mom, I don't bang my friends

What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends?

Hearing AIDS.

I've got a good joke to use on your friends (works better face to face)

You: I've got a knock knock joke, but you have to start.

Friend: Knock knock.

You: Who's there?

*confusion and bewilderment ensues*

It's funny to see how long it takes them to work out what happened.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke to tell your friends.

Hey guys, I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this, or the right format, but I've got an amazing joke for you all that will almost definitely draw everyone you are with in, as long as they do not know it is a joke.

Firstly, you need to turn the conversation towards hitchhiking,...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.