UPJOKE

Your Favorite Jokes

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

**Chuck Norris is so tough he counted to infinity. Twice.**

What's your favorite pickup line?

For me, it's the Ford F series.

What’s your favorite “yo mamma” joke?

One of my favorites: your mama’s armpits are so hairy it looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock.

“Who is your favorite literary vampire”?

The one from Sesame Street

“He doesn’t count”

I can assure you he does….

Who's your favorite artist?

UN: "Who's your favorite artist?"

Israel: "Netta!"

UK: "Dua Lipa!"

Zimbabwe: "Fifty trillion Zimbabwean Dollars!"

UN: "What?"

Zimbabwe: "I'm sorry! 50 Cent, for you!"

My swimmer friend asked me “what’s your favorite stroke?”

Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher wasn’t an answer

My grandpa died yesterday. Here's one of my favorite jokes he told. What are your favorite grandpa jokes?

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole. "Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson. "My goldfish died, s...

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

What is your favorite cruise line?

Holland America Cruises, because they have a lot of dam ships.

Hey Reddit, what are your favorite lame jokes?

"Wanna hear a pizza joke?"

"Nevermind, it's too cheesy."

My dad asked me, “What’s your favorite Pixar film?”

I said, “Up. Yours?”

He said, “wow! Don’t be rude. It was just a question.”

How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? (What are your favorite musician jokes?)

The knocking gets faster as it goes on.



You hear a knock on your door, you open it to find a bass player standing there. What do you do?

Pay him for the pizza!



Two drummers walk past a bar...



How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put ...

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My friend asked me "What's your favorite album?"

I said "It's the one with a baby's penis on the cover".

He said "Nevermind."

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I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
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Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
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Try this test and ...

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

My Favorite,
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

What's the worst part of ripping your favorite shirt?

Having to choose between .MP3 and .FLAC

Which part of the piano is your favorite?

The black keys, or the white stripes?

What's your favorite asian stereo type?

Personally, I love sony sound system with surround sound.

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What’s your favorite sexual position?

Mine’s reverse missionary—where I pin you down and tell you god’s not real.

A Soviet gets a survey in the mail and it asks "Who is your favorite Russian?"

The second question was "Please explain why you answered Lenin?"

"Wow! It's your cake day, repost your favorite joke!"

"No thanks. I won't be doing that today."

What's your favorite not a dirty joke that you can tell your parents?

Mine (I think I read this one here on Reddit but I'm not sure):

A guy goes to the circus. After the show, he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.

Manager: "Alright, what can you do?"

Guy: "I can do great bird impressions"

Manager: "That's nothing impressive, a lot of...

A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.

He realizes he's fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he's going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then e...

If someone says they will make your favorite meal and then doesn't...

Does that make them a Crock-tease?

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

A sports joke that can be changed to whatever your favorite sport rivalry is.

On the first day of school, a teacher tells her students that she is a Chargers fan.  She asks her students to raise their hands if they are a Chargers fan, too.  Everyone in the class raised their hand except one little girl.  The little girl said "I am a Raiders fan".

The teacher asked why ...

What’s your favorite phone?

Mine is the galaxy note 7 that phone was the bomb

What is your favorite "There are two kinds of people..." joke?

My favorite is "There are two kinds of people...those who cheat at 7-up, and god damned liars."

What's your favorite indie film?

Mine is The Last Crusade

What are your favorite "No arms, no legs" jokes?

In case you don't know the format, here's a few examples.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pond?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pot?
Stu.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Rustle....

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

What's your favorite numbering system?

I, for one, like Roman Numerals.

What's your favorite Robin Williams movie?

Without a doubt, mine is Mrs. Fire.

What is your favorite joke about women?

Q: Why don't women wear watches?

A: Because there is a clock on the stove.

Does this sub take requests? Please share your favorite Chuck Norris joke!

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change it. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!

Chuck Norris and Superman fought once and placed a bet on the outcome. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside!

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Who's your favorite underground rapper?

Mine personally is XXXTENTACION

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

What's your favorite type of shake?

Chocolate, vanilla, or Parkinson's?

I called Serena Williams. I said, “Serena, what’s your favorite planet?”

She said, “It’s Venus.”

Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?

What’s your favorite joke that most people don’t get?

When I forget my keys, I walk back to grab them and often say to someone nearby, "I drove half way home before I realized I forgot my keys." Rarely does anyone get it.

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The science teacher asked Johnny, "What is your favorite planet, Johnny?"

"Hmm..." Johnny thought, as the classmates started to laugh.

"Please don't say it," the teacher sighed.

"I was gonna say Mars," said Johnny "but Uranus looks good too!"

Do you guys remember Helen Keller jokes? What's your favorite one? I'll go.

Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?

She's a woman.

We asked 100 women what is your favorite shampoo to use in the shower...

The number one response was "you people need to get the hell out of my shower."

What's your favorite clock time?

Personally, I'd say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.

Naming your favorite Beatle is like declaring your favorite child.

It's George.

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What is your favorite "My dick is so big.." joke?

Mine is, "My dick is so big that, at the movie theater, popcorn comes in small, medium, large and my dick."

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

So what is your favorite groundbreaking invention?

Mine is the shovel......

What is your favorite dumb joke?

Mine would have to be

Why did sally fall out of the tree?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not sally.

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What's your favorite frequency?

Mine's 440Hz. It's fucking A.

If you were a dog, what would be your favorite kind of shoes to chew?

The ones from Delhi.
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Thats because they are Delhi-shoes

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

Who is your favorite X-Man?

I like Wolverine but Bruce Jenner is a close second.

What’s your favorite submersible?

Mine’s the Boeing 737 Max 8

- To conclude your job interview, what are your favorite hobbies?

- Bilbo, Frodo and Samsagaz.

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Your favorite joke from a move or a show?

What's your favotire joke that you heard in a movie or a show?


Mine would be:
“Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Trea...

What's your favorite type of sandwich?

Mines an LGBT

Lettuce
Guacamole
Bacon
Tomato

Working Redditors: What is your favorite joke about your own profession?

Retired U.S. Air Force here and this is my favorite military joke:

The biggest difference between the branches of the U.S. Armed Forces is that if you give the order to **"Secure that building!"**

* The Army will kick the doors down, enter with weapons drawn, eliminate all hostiles...

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What’s Your Favorite Sex Position?

My favorite position is the JFK. I explode all over her as she screams and tries to get out.

What's your favorite tasteless 9-11 joke?

Here's mine.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

911.

911 who?

You said you'd never forget

"Mommy?" little Johnny asks, "who is your favorite child?"

His mom replies: "Johnny, you know I can't answer this. I don't have a favorite child."

"But mommy," Johnny says, "I am your only child."

What is your FAVORITE pun?

Mine is, "Dogs Can't Operate a MRI Machine......but Catscan"

If someone stole your favorite hair piece.

What is the price you are willing toupee to get it back?

What do you when you lose your favorite tree?

Staple a photo of it to a nearby dog

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[REQUEST] Your favorite long, maybe a bit TOO long, but worth it joke.

Every day I read the bounty of /jokes, and maybe once a month I see a new one. It fills me with such joy. Also, I work with this amazing fellow who tells these 20 minute jokes, and I am almost out of return-fire ammunition.


See, I love long jokes, story jokes, and there seems to be a pauc...

What's your favorite drink to have during Christmas time? Mine is the Little Drummer Boy.

It's 1 part rum, 3 parts pum.

What’s your favorite (non racist)dead celebrity joke? Here’s mine: What did Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

What do you call it when you forget your favorite song?

Jamnesia

Jackson Pollock is your favorite artist?

Weird flecks, but okay.

Marvel kills half of your favorite characters

Nintendo kills %99.9 of them

Guys, what are your favorite "I'm going to hell for this" jokes?

Here's mine:
What do you call a dead Mexican?
Dearly deported.

What is your favorite one to two line joke?

Keep em coming boys and gals. This is making my 15 car ride way better!

What's your favorite game as a resident of Chicago?

Mine is "Gunshots Or Fireworks?"

Brexit was similar to choosing your favorite Jane Austen novel.

Pride and Prejudice defeated Sense and Sensibility.

What is your favorite type of wood?

Mine is morning.

TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

Teacher: what’s your favorite kitchen utensil?

Friend: my wife

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What do you get when you mix in a piece of shit to your favorite pie?

Ajit Pai

I saw Arnold Shwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg so i said to him "i bet i know what your favorite christian festival is."

He said, "have to love easter, baby."

What’s your favorite thing about Switzerland?

Well, the flags a big plus.

What's your favorite word?

5-Year-Old: Empathy! I don't even know what it means!
Me- I know how you feel.

What's your favorite part of playing strip poker?

The stripping or the poking?

My daughter asked, "What was your favorite thing to do in your 20's in Oklahoma?"

"Leave."

What's your favorite joke appropriate for a 6-8 year old?

I am a ski instructor and I've recently been teaching these two boys who are 6 and 8 year old brothers. I realized today that I know zero jokes appropriate enough or funny to this demographic. I feel like they think I am super boring.

Give me some help to make the chairlift more exciting!!

10 YO MAMA Jokes - Wich one is your favorite?

1) Yo Momma So Fat The Only Letters She Knows In The Alphabet Are K.F.C!
2) Yo mamma so ugly even Bob the Builder said, "We cant fix it."
3) Yo Mamma So Fat, Dora Can't Explore Her.
4) Yo momma so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.
5) Yo mamma so fat...

What's your favorite super power?

Cold War Russia

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[Request] What's your favorite adult-themed Halloween joke?

My favorite is:


"There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep.

He gives me the willies."

What's your favorite pirate joke?

Friend has an eyepatch on for some reason or another and I'm running out of decent jokes.

When is the WORST time to meet your favorite celebrity?

When you are an eight year old in the hospital.

Hey Reddit, what are your favorite kid jokes? You know, jokes that only kids tell each other.

There are a few I remember from my childhood, for instance:

How do you catch a seal?

Drill a hole in the ice and line the opening with peas.

When he comes out to take a pea,......grab him!

What did Mr. Spock find in Jim Kirk's toilet?

Captain's Log.

Where we...

Whats your favorite vegetable?

Stephen Hawking

Who's your favorite nun?

Ya Bidness

Son: Dad can you tell me your favorite Beatles lyric?

Son, son, son, here it comes:

Reddit, what is your favorite Limerick?

One of my favorites seems a perfect starter. ^_^

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

Your favorite one liner/quick joke?

When bored at work I snapchat jokes to friends. Need new material. Could use your favorite short joke.

Reddit, Who is your favorite person?

And why is it Elon Musk.

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What is your favorite Joke? I'll start with mine

A young man named david had recently asked the love of his life out on a date for dinner and a movie and hopefully a little bit of fun at her place afterward. this was all well and good, despite one small issue. david had never "been" with a women before.
To get past this dilemma, he asked his f...

A good way to start a conversation is 'What's your favorite color'. A good way to end a conversation is

What's your favourite colour of a person.

Yo mamma so fat... if she was murdered her chalk outline would be a circle..

I know it's not mine. But just heard it for the first time the other day. Made me smile. What is your favorite yo mamma jokes? Would love to read them

I asked my cat "Who is your favorite President of China?"

According to her it's Mao.

Tell your favorite fart joke growing up. More terrible the better.

Three men jumped out of an airplane. The first one jumped and dropped a penny. When he landed, he found a boy crying, and asked him why he was crying. He of course said, a penny fell on his head.

A second man jumped and dropped an apple. He found another kid crying, and he asked why. The boy ...

What's the first step to making your favorite Jewish dish?

Preheat the oven

Reddit, will you share your favorite inside joke with me?

It is very interesting to look at the relationships and intricacies that make an inside joke so funny and sometimes even create a personality of its own. It would be awesome to see all of your stories! I would love to hear why they are funny to you and your friends. How long has the joke been goi...

What’s your favorite preservative salt, vinegar, lemon?

Mine’s embalming fluid.

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