UPJOKE

Your Dog Jokes

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

"What are your dogs names ?"

"Calvin and Klein"

"Like the underwear?"

"They are boxers."

Your dog loves you more than your wife does.

Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.

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How do you know if your dog is gay?

His dick tastes like dogshit

Dinner guest: Why is your dog looking at me like that?

Host: Don't worry, he just doesn't like you using his plate.

If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.

He’s standing right behind you.

What’s your dogs name?

An elderly couple were outside one day enjoying the fine weather. The wife was sitting on the porch. The old man was in the yard playing with their dog. A little girl walked by and was delighted to see the dog and said, “hello mister, I like your dog, what’s its name.?” The old man paused for second...

A man walks into a bar and sees another man at the bar with a dog next to him.

He says to him, "Hey there, does your dog bite?" and the man says "No mate, my dog's the friendliest creature in the world, you can do anything with him."

So he goes to pat the dog and it absolutely goes for him and by the time three other men in the bar manage to get it off him he's bleeding...

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A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

A friend sent me a message the other day, "Your dog is such a lovely angle."

Acute dog, indeed.

Can I borrow your dog ?

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached t...

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

Does your Dog bite?

A man walks in and sits at the Bar.
he looks around the room and notices a bloke sitting at the other end of the Bar with a massive dog sitting on the seat next to him.
He walks over and says "Jees, that's gotta be the biggest Dog I've ever seen" the bloke nods in agreement.
He then asks "...

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"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"

"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."

"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, SHIT! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"

"That ain't my dog."

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

My dog is smarter than your dog

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
“I know,” says the second dog owner.
“...

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A woman walked into a pet store.

After greeting the store owner, she strolled through the aisles, browsing through the various pets they had on sale. A bulldog with a 50% discount sticker plastered on the kennel containing it caught her eye. She beckoned the shop owner over.

"How much do you want for this little guy?" she a...

Police are like a box of chocolates....

They'll kill your dog.

Getting into the pub with your dog

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub.

Mike looks at his friend John and says “Let’s go in there for a quick drink.”

John replies with, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”

“Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

Mike walks up to the p...

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”

“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

The vet told me "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down."

"Oh God!" I said. "WHY?!"

"Because my arms are getting tired."

No matter how good you treat your dog

They will always say they have it ruff

“Your dog bark all night!”

“It’s ok, he sleep during the day.”

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Scientific research show fucking your dog is healthy

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my Lab.

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

Why should you carry french fries with you when walking your dog on a cold day?

French fries go well with chili dogs

Where do you leave your dog?

In the barking garage.

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

What’s one thing you can say to your dog and your bf

cum

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

Does your dog bite

A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog. One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite", the man replies "No my dog doesn't" The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man. "Thats not my dog", replied the ...

2 ladies are walking their dogs. One has a big black lab, the other has a chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says “Let’s get a beer.”

The chihuahua walker complains, “We can’t take our dogs in there.”

The first responds, “Watch me.”

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here."

“He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies f...

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How can you stop your dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick.

How can you tell if your dog's gay?

If his dick tastes like dogshit.

My mother-in-law visited for dinner, after an hour she asked 'why does your dog keep staring at me'

'Because you're using his plate' I replied

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Voting in America is like cleaning up after your dog...

No one wants to deal with that shit, but it's your duty.

What's the difference between your girlfriend and your dog?

You don't need to choke your dog to make it come.

How do you stop your dog from barking in the backyard?

Put him in the front yard.

Taking your dog walkin is great way to find women.

But what if you want to find a woman who's alive?

Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don’t have to be?

Because it’s sad when a dog dies.

The dog

A guy (Guy 1) walks into a bar and sees another guy (Guy 2) sitting at a bar with a dog next to him. He wants to pet the dog so he approaches Guy 2.

Guy 1: "Does your dog bite?"

Guy 2: "Nope"

Guy 1 then starts petting the dog when suddenly, the dog bites him.

Guy 1: "Ow! ...

Don't take your dog to the vet, they'll kill your dog unless you know the lingo.

I brought him in to cure his insomnia, but apparently "put him to sleep" means something different to vets...

You should always feed your dog well,

You don't want a bad yelp review.

How do you get your dog to like mashed potatoes?

You gravy train

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

Why do you call your dog ”I-know-what-you-did”?

I love how many people jump 3 feet high when I start calling him.

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A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she ...

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The Police called to my door last night and said "Your dog was chasing a man on a bike"...

...I said "Bullshit, my dog doesn't have a bike".

"I'm sorry for the loss of your dog."

Then I picked up her puppy and ran away.

Step 1: Name your dog miles.

Step 2: Brag that you walk miles every day

What is your dog's least favorite book in the Bible?

Neuteronomy

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This cont...

I guess if your dog had prosthetic feet...

They’d be going through many paws

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What if you named your dog Mypenis?

Mypenis ate my homework.

I can't take Mypenis out around kids.

Mypenis gets too excited when someone knocks on the door.

What can you tell your dog but not your girlfriend?

Sit down and beg


There are a million answers to this. Come on reddit, make my day better.

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

A dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks...

The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."

As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs.

As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man...

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn't alive ?

Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran-

Grandpa - it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.

Do you know why your dog licks his ass?

Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.

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Ever had to force your dog into taking their medication?

It's the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you're up to something. So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don't bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes. But as i...

What do you do when your dog has the blues?

Give it a saxophone.

Does your dog bite?

Man walking in a park, sees a woman sitting on a bench with a dog at her feet. He walks up to her...
Man: *Does your dog bite?*
Woman: *No*
Man goes and pets the dog, then...
*OUCH!!! I thought you said your dog didn't bite!!!*
Woman: *That's not my dog.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives...

Fourteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never v...

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

Be the person your dog thinks you are.

A gentle lover.

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