UPJOKE

Your Daughter Jokes

A friend of mine said, “Wow! Your wife and your daughter look like twins.”

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

Never name your daughter “Amber”

They seem to get abducted a lot.

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I'm sorry for taking your daughter's virginity

It won't happen again

Then Ok!

Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "No."

Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."

Son: "Then Ok!" \*\*

\*\* Dad goes to Bill Gates. \*\*

Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates: "No."

Dad: "My son is the CEO of...

Congratulations, your daughter is getting married.

Who is the lucky guy?

She is going to mary Tyler Moore.



Sorry for the terrible joke.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

The Farmer and his Daughters

Now once there was a farmer, and daughters he had five,
And each of them was waiting for their first date to arrive.
Their boyfriends all would tell him how they would have their fun.
If the farmer didn't like it, he'd shoot them with his gun.

So the first guy knocked on the do...

A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, “Hey boss, what’s the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?”

I’m not coming in tomorrow.

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I want to marry your daughter

A man approaches a farmer to ask to marry his daughter whom he has been dating. "Whoever marries my daughter must have a 10 inch penis" the farmer says. They measure it and it's 7 inches. The father likes the young man and says "Go out to the barn. There is a cow there. Ride her for an hour and that...

Permission To Marry Your Daughter

Jimmy asks his girlfriend's father permission to propose.

The father says, "I need to ask you two questions. The first question is, do you love my daughter?"

Jimmy eagerly responds, "Sir, I love her with all my heart."

My second question is, "Do you think you earn enough money t...

What's creepier than taking your daughter to a Daddy-Daughter dance?

Asking another couple if you can cut in.

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A man is sitting on his couch when the doorbell rings

He opens the door and there is a young man standing there.

"Hello. My name is Tobias. I'm here to fuck your daughter."

The man can't believe his ears: "To what?!"

"Tobias"

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

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What’s worse than your daughter doing porn?

When your stepson joins her.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

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- Hi, I'm Tudor and I'm here to fuck your daughter.

\- To what ?!

\- Tudor.

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A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

Psychiatrist…..

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. ...

*From Ian Ross, not mine* - A mum was asked 'Why is your daughter crying?'

'She has five baked beans stuck up her nose.'

'And why is your son crying?'

'He wants his lunch back.'

If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off"

"In your daughter" is the wrong answer

What do you call a Fat person marrying your daughter?

Your future ton in law

Naming your daughters

A man has 3 daughters. One day, the daughters decided to ask their father why they were given the names they had.

The first daughter asks: "dad, why did you name me Rose?" The father replies, "well Rose, because when you were born, a rose landed on you as we left the hospital.

The seco...

(calling) 'Hey Boss, what's the difference between work and your daughter?'

'I'm not coming into work today'

Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”

Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

The New York Giants held "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day."

The daughters won 27-3.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

What do you do if your daughter starts smoking?

Slow down and use lube.

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Policeofficer stops a guy

so; the police officer stops a guy midnight on an empty street.
"what we got here? you seem to be drunk" says the officer

the guy in the car replies; "sir, i'm not drunk, i dont drink alcohol, i'm just on my way home"

officer: "sounds like something a drunk guy would say, lets do a ...

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A pregnant woman from Virginia

was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsom...

An eight year old girl went with her father to the office on take your daughter to work day..

As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky.

Her father asked, ''what's wrong sweetie?''

As his colleagues gathered around, she sobbed loudly: ''Daddy, where are all the clowns you sad you worked with?''

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An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room?

You washer and dryer.

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A young Italian man rings the door bell at his girlfriend's house. She is living with her parents, and her father opens the door. "Ciao, my name is Tullio," the young man says, "and I am here to fuck your daughter!"

The father is shocked and lost for words. "To.... to... what?" he says.

"Tullio!"

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" ...

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.

Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

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