UPJOKE

Your Boyfriend Jokes

The Blonde’s father said “I hope you’re not planning to be alone at your boyfriend’s place.”

She said, “Don’t’ be silly. He’ll be there.”

The difference between your boyfriend and Ronda Rousey is...

Ronda actually gets paid to disappoint people for 48 seconds.

What do you do if your boyfriend hates fruit jokes?

You let the ManGo!

Two girlfriends talk

* So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., *the other hole* with your boyfriend?
* Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen: "Be straight with me, Stephanie. Is your boyfriend a sadist?"

Stephanie: "Beats me."

How can you tell your boyfriend is getting fat?

He can fit into your husband's clothes

How can you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?

You have to chew before you swallow

Your boyfriend and brother are drowning and you can only save one, who do you save?

I’d save them both because they’re the same person!

Ladies, if your boyfriend wants matador equipment for Christmas...

That's a big red flag.

What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What is it called when your boyfriend farts and then denies it?

Gaslighting

A friend in need.

I’m not going to say who…. but a friend just called and asked if I would loan her $400 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out if I can. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called...

Winter is like your boyfriend...

you know it's coming soon but you want it to hold off for as long as possible

What's the difference between your boyfriend and whipped cream?

The cream

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires,...

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

Fair warning...

Daughter to Father:

"Dad there is something my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags, and a fantastic bumper."

Father's response:

"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with ...

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A young man is showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She is absolutely thrilled at the speed.

Never a man to turn down a good opportunity, the young man asks “If I go 120 mph, will you take off your clothes?”

“Sure!” says his adventurous girlfriend. So off they go.

As he gets up to 120 mph, she starts peeling off her clothes. Th...

Found this one on Wikipedia of all places

Two young women are drinking tea together. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. One of the women opens the door and finds a courier with a big great bouquet of roses. She walks inside and reads to her friend: *"Much love from your boyfriend!"* She immediately groans out: *"You know what this'll mean? This'...

guys are all like “i want a crazy gf”

then all of a sudden they’re all mad at you like “how did you find my location” “why are you stalking my kindergarten girlfriends mom on facebook” “you can’t chain me up and force me to be your boyfriend”

like omfg pick a side

A large woman walks into a clothing store



wanting to impress her boyfriend, and asks "I want to see the large petite clothes."

Puzzled, the sales assistant responds, "Mam, I don't think we have anything to fit..."

"Found it!" says the woman, and goes to the petite section.

After a few minutes of the woman not fi...

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An innocent young woman is sitting with her mother before going to spend the night with her boyfriend.

She is nervous about what's going to happen because the man is her first boyfriend and the first time she'll ever spend a night away from home.

Her overly protective mother looks meaningfully into her daughter's eyes and said, "Honey, when you go to bed tonight, your boyfriend is going to wan...

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A girl goes to the doctor’s complaining of a strange mark on her chest.

When she shows it to the doctor, he sees a letter C imprinted on her breasts.

“How did you get this?” he enquires.

“It’s my boyfriend. He wears a medallion around his neck which has a C on the end of it, representing the university he goes to – Cambridge. And when we make love, it pres...

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A dermatologist sees a patient with a rash

One cold April morning, a dermatologist sees a young, female patient who says she has a skin problem on her chest. He tells her to lift the shirt and sees an 'H'-shaped rash. The dermatologist had never seen any letter-shaped rashes like this before so her asks her about it.

The woman sheepi...

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was respons...

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A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor ..."

"At this time of the night?...

A doctor, a lawyer, and a scientist are arguing about whether it's better to have a husband or a boyfriend....

The doctor says, "A husband is better for the kids and for your mental health. More stability." The lawyer says, "No, a boyfriend is better because a husband can leave and take half your stuff, plus alimony." Then the scientist perks up and says, "It's better to have both." The doctor and lawyer are...

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A Scottish man's daughter comes home from college.

She says "Dad, I've decided to become a prostitute." The dad says "Yes, I know, and that's okay. I've already heard about that from your boyfriend, and I almost had a heart attack, because, at first I thought he said Protestant."

Mom's Advice

Mom was cautioning daughter, "When your boyfriend wants to kiss you, then say "DON'T" and when he hugs you, tell him "STOP"
The daughter came back home happy.
Mother asked, "So you sure did what I told you to?"
The daughter said, "Yes Mom, I was so excited that I used both words together...

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So, a woman heads to the doctors office for her usual checkup.

While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it,

"Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex."


The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Replacement

Text Conversation:


Boy: I heard your boyfriend just passed away?

Girl: Yes, his funeral will be on Saturday.

Boy: Oh, please accept my sympathies.

Girl: Thank you. It's been hard on me lately, as you can tell.

Boy: You think I can become your boyfriend's r...

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What do you call your husband?

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.

Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."

Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft."

Kathy...

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[NSFW] A guy and his girl are at the bar

After a while of sitting and drinking in a booth, the girl goes over to the bartender to get them another round. While she's there, a man starts harassing her, saying some really nasty shit. She's fuming.

She grabs the drinks and heads back to her boyfriend. "You are not going to believe wha...

A girl asks her father

Dad, what’s the difference between good, bad, and f***d up?

The father replies:
Well my love, good is when your boyfriend likes your clothes, bad is when he wears them and f****d up is when they look better on him than you!


(Bad translation from spanish from yours truly, have ...

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