UPJOKE

You Wanna Know Jokes

Do you wanna know what makes me smile?

Face muscles

You wanna know how lazy I am?

Ahh, never mind.

You wanna know what really sucks?

Vaccuums

You wanna know what’s not illegal in California?

Wildfires.

You wanna know how I know that good hookers aren't worth the money?

Because I always overcharge clients.

Do you wanna know why i hate anti-jokes?

They’re not funny

Hey, you wanna know how I got to the east of Iraq?

Iran

Everyone asks "what's up", but do you wanna know what's down?

The bodies of unvaccinated children

You wanna know why a cat can jump so high?

because they have good PAW-sture

You wanna know why we say "Break a leg" to actors?

Because every show has a cast.

You wanna know what part of barry bee benson is always sore?

It's the bees knees

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really...

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE !

You wanna know why my bank has a drive-through window?

So that the real owners of the car can check up on it.

Do you wanna know what my epileptic cousin's favourite dance is?

The Worm

You wanna know what gives me uncontrollable gas?

A brick on the accelerator.

You wanna know why I got kicked out of the library?

I moved all of the women's rights books to the fiction section.

You wanna know the most HUMOROUS person I know?

My Chiropractor, he really cracks me up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You wanna know why I've been carrying mirrors everywhere lately?

My therapist says I need more time for reflecting.

You wanna know what's a real pain in the ass?

Hemorrhoids.

You wanna know the difference between a Genie and a Genius?

One grants wishes, and the other wishes for grants

You wanna know the best food to eat when sad?

Cheerios

I make women wet all the time.You wanna know my secret?

Be a useless plumber like me

I couldn't work for that man. Not after what that man said to me. You wanna know?

He said "you're fired"

You wanna know the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?

“Let’s see how far I can kick this bucket.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You wanna know why Indian Students are disliked abroad?

You wanna know why Indian Students are disliked abroad?? read on.....It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or giv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm 45 and I still haven't lost my virginity yet, but I'm proud of it.

You wanna know why? Because I'm not a "loser".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] A gorgeous bartender puts up a sign that says “Men: ask me about your beards”

The first day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a long fluffy beard asks.

“Well darlin, I’m lookin’ for a special kind of man”, the bartender says. “The kind that can tickle the inside of my thig...

A black Jewish boy comes home from school. He asks his father "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

Father says "why do you wanna know that son?"
Boy says "Well there's a kid selling his bike at school for $50. I wanna know if I should offer him $40 or if I should just steal it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What the tooth fairy looks like

This came from the book “chicken soup for the dental soul” my dentist had it in the waiting room.

I’m quoting from memory.

A 5 year old girl just lost a baby tooth and the dentist was explaining to her that if she put her tooth under the pillow at night that the tooth fairy would come ...

I found it kinda funny

You wanna know why women and rocks are similar?


The flat ones get skipped.

A man goes to prison and decides to intimidate his cell mate...

‘So, you wanna know why they call me mitochondria?’

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