UPJOKE

You Might Be Jokes

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a...

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league b...

You might be a redneck....

....if you've ever had to climb a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

You might be a redneck if...

You keep swiping right on your Ancestry DNA matches

You Might Be An Accountant If

you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".

you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.

while watching the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.

getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.

your idea of trashing your hot...

You might be a necropheliac if...

Shout out to Jeff Foxworthy for the inspiration. Here we go.

You might be a necropheliac if...

Your version of tinder is the local obituaries.

You have detailed knowledge of the security setup of every funeral home and cemetery in your city.

The contents of your trunk i...

You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.

You just have to have cell coverage.

You might be a redneck..

..if you happen to be a french nobleman in the 1790s.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're on here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am'. But to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

You might be a redneck if

You might be a redneck if you have a peeing for distance contest at your family reunions and Grandma always wins.

As skeptical as you might be about hydroponics

It’s a growing industry.

I read an article called "7 signs you might be an overachiever"

I related to 8 of them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You might be a redneck

What'a the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as he hits a windshield?


His asshole....

You might Be a redneck if.....

Your bananas and your wife have the same amount of bruises

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You might be a redneck

If you think "Pearl Jam" is an oriental sex act

You might be a redneck if your girlfriend can pack a lip and go down on you at the same time...

...and still know what to spit and what to swallow.

If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill.

But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wondering if you might be a terrorist yourself ? Do the Terrorist Test here;

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider ...

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied, "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

If life gives you melons

you might be dyslexic..

Duck in a hard hat and hi-vis vest walks into a bar.

A duck wearing a hard hat and a hi-vis walks into a bar. Looking exhausted, he removes his hat, takes a seat and asks for a beer.

The barman eyes him as he pours. “I haven’t seen you in here before,” he says.

“Yeah,” replies the duck. “Do you know the big building surrounded by scaffol...

A man’s printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.

A friendly young man informed him, “Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.”

Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, “Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage...

Have you been wearing your glasses while wearing a facemask?

If so, you might be entitled to condensation.

My sister was in tears when she found out about her husbands affair

I told her: “you might be going through your midlife cry, sis”

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