UPJOKE

You Know The Difference Between Jokes

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You know the difference between sex for money and sex for free?

Sex for money is a whole lot cheaper.

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"Do you know the difference between a Blowjob and a ham sandwich?"

"No why?"

"Perfect, let's go to lunch"

Do you know the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

At least the outlaws are wanted by someone.


Credit: My father.

I asked a classmate "Do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy?"

He replied "I don't know and I don't care"

Do you know the difference between praying in church and praying in a casino?

Praying in a casino you really mean it.

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[NSFW] Do you know the difference between a dick and a chair?

If not, you'd rather watch out where you sit!

You know the difference between my wife and work?

Two options:

1) work still sucks after a year

B) I still enjoy coming into my wife

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“Do you know the difference between a dick and a chicken leg?”

“Nope.”

“Wanna’ go on a picnic?”

Do you know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The Taste.

You know the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

On a porcupine the pricks are on the outside!

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Do you know the difference between jam and jelly?

You can’t jelly you dick in your wife’s ass

You know the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

Do you know the difference between "complete" and "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make...

Do you know the difference between Toilet paper and the shower curtain?

Answer: No

So you’re the one!!

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Do you know the difference between a steak and a penis?

No? Good! I'll buy you dinner.

Do you know the difference between a mailbox and a cow?

If your answer was no, you had better not become a mailman.

Do you know the difference between your mom and a washing machine?

The washing machine can only handle one load at a time.

You know the difference between Americans and Europeans? .

Europeans think 100 miles is a long distance.

Americans think 100 years is a long time.

Do you know the difference between americans and computers?

americans don't have trouble-shooting

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south?

Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Do you know the difference between a toilet and a pan?

If you clicked to see the answer don’t ever ask me to eat at your place.

Do you know the difference between twelve-year-old scotch and baby formula?

No? Then you're sure as hell not babysitting for my kids!

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Do you know the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

You do not have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

Do you know the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?

A pessimist will say, “Man things can’t get any worse!”

An optimist will reply, “Oh yeah they can!”

Do you know the difference between me and eggs?

Eggs get laid.

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Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob?

(No- what?)

Want to get lunch sometime?

Do you know the difference between my old friends and a calculator?

For the calculator at least I can still count on it.

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Do you know the difference between a toilet and a roof?

Aha, so you're the idiot who shit on my roof last night!

Do you know the difference between education and experience?

Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don’t.

You know the difference between 68 & 69 ? 🇨🇦

Blow me and I owe you 1

Do you know the difference between a car salesperson and a software salesperson?

The car salesperson knows when they're lying.

You know the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on me for $20.

do you know the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

one less drunk

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You know the difference between a daycare and a stripclub?

If you dont you're a sick motherfucker

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Do you know the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser?

Depth perception.

Do you know the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?

No has ever paid to have a lentil on their face.

You know the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is big and heavy and the other is a little lighter.

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How do you know the difference between an American and Canadian Stripper?

Bills don't leave bruises

You know the difference between ComicCon and a Tinder date?

At ComicCon you meet & greet.
At a Tinder date you greet & meat.

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Do you know the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

Only one of them will stop screwing you after you're dead.

Do you know the difference between the North and the South?

Well, in the south, when you say your cousin's coming, that has two different meanings.

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Do you know the difference between casual conversation and sex?

No? Well do you wanna go back to my place and talk?


-Joe Mafia II

Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man?

The bond matures.

Saw in American Dad

Do you know the difference between a shepherd and The Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" And a shepherd says, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

Donald Trump was recently asked "Do you know the difference between Sunni and Shia?"

He replied "I don't know which is which but I loved their song 'I got you babe'."

Do you know the difference between a potty and a coffe pot?

No? Don't you ever invite me for coffee!

Do you know the difference between pink and purple?

Your grip.

Hey boss, do you know the difference between your daughter and tomorrow morning??

I'm not coming in tomorrow morning

Do you know the difference between erotic and perverted?

An erotic person will use a feather on their partner.
A perverted person uses the whole chicken.

Do you know the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has a dirt bag on the inside

How do you know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snow Balls

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Do you know the difference between 1 minute of oral and 1 minute of anal?

Well, do you have 2 minutes ?

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Do you know the difference between a day care and a strip club?

If you don't you're a sick mothafucker

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

Do you know the difference between a fart and a pun?

A pun is a shift of wit.

You know the difference between Catholics and Baptists?

Catholics will say hello to each other in the liquor store.

Do you know the difference between camping and molestation?

No? In that case, do you want to go camping this weekend?

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Two pilots

Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit while a stewardess enters. She asks if they want coffee or tea, but both pilots ignore her.

She then asks "what's the difference between a cockpit and a condom?" The captain looks over his shoulder, not saying anything. She continues: "A cockpit contains ...

Do you know the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?

Well, the people in Dubai don't like the Flinstones, but the people in Abu-Dhabi-Do.

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You know the difference between 2 dicks and a joke is?

You can't take a joke.

You know the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

The hooker can wash their crack and sell it again

You know the difference between a chick pea and a garbonzo bean?

Nobody will pay to watch a garbonzo bean

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There's a new hire at work, so I go up to her and say "Do you know the difference between lunch and a blowjob?"

No.

Well, let me take you to lunch then.

You know the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day?

On St. Patrick's day, everyone wants to be Irish.

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Husband and wife

Husband and wife sit together in the kitchen and have breakfast.
Out of the blue she hits him with rolling pin. After a few minutes conscious again he asks:

"What was that ? - Why did you hit me that hard ?"

She: "That was for 25 years of bad sex."

He continues eating his ...

In response to the TIL about the difference between a crow and raven

Do you know the difference between a crow and a raven? Well, the feathers that are the long vertical feathers on the wings are called pinion feathers. They help the birds fly. A crow has 13 of these feathers and raven only has 12. So I guess you could say that the difference between a crow and a rav...

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