UPJOKE

You Got Any Jokes

Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"

Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"

Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"

Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."

Guy: You got any “up handsome” lately?

Girl: What’s “up handsome”?
Guy: Oh not much. How are you.

Ted Bundy: Hey, you got any ice cream in the freezer ?

Jeffery Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman

“Have you got any bread”

Barman: “no sorry”

Duck: “have you got any bread”
Barman: “no”
Duck: ”have you got any bread”


Barman: “look I haven’t got any bread and if you ask again I’m gonna nail your beak to the bar”

Duck: “got any nails?”

Barman: “no”
<...

"Have you got any books on turtles?", asked the boy to the librarian.

\-Hard back?
\-Yes, with little heads.

"Have you got any books on customer service?"

Librarian: probably...somewhere...

This dude walks into a library and asks the librarian "have you got any books on paranoia"?

The librarians says, "They're right behind you"!

A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".

A guy goes with his girlfriend to stay at her parents’ house for the holidays

The couple live in the city and the parents live on a farm. The boyfriend is unused to the quiet country life and after a couple of days he’s pretty bored. His girlfriend’s father comes in and says “Hey young fella if you’re looking for something to do, why not take the dogs out for a bit of hunting...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartmen...

It had to be Australia

A gecko lizard is walking through the Australian bush, heading toward the river for a drink.

On his walk he comes across a koala sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint and stops for a chat.

"Gidday, mate. What are you doing?"

The koala replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and join...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New hooker in town.

Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Bill suggested Julie to become a hooker.

Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar...

... walks up to the bartender and asks "do you have any corn?"
The bartender says "nah we don't have any corn"
So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the same bar.
"Do you have any corn?"
" no we don't have any corn" says the bartender.
The duck walks out again.
T...

A a famous lion in a zoo recently died

Given the popularity of the lion, the zoo doesn't want the public to know this so they make a lion costume and have one of the employees pretend to be the lion.

The employee is very afraid since he would be pretending to be a lion among other lions, if he is found out, the other lions could ...

at the pharmacy

Cs: hi
Ph: hello
Cs: have you got any acetylsalicylic acid?
Ph: you mean aspirin?
Cs: that's the one. Can never for the life o' me remember that name

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Squirrel runs into a bar...

Says, " Hey bartender, you got any nuts?"

Bartender says, "Get out of here you squirrel "

Next day squirrel runs into the same bar, says " Hey bartender you got any nuts?"

Bartender says, " Get out of here squirrel, we don't serve your kind here. If I see you in here again, I'll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman.

As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says, "Wait a minute! I can explain everything!
"I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying 'Will work for food', and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and cl...

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