UPJOKE

You Better Jokes

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking?

Because it's made of hide.

You better start brushing your teeth, son!

Oral-B very mad!

You better not.

I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.

Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"

The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"

Parents: "You better go home."

Post Malone: "Naw."

Parents: "HOME, MALONE!"

Post Malone: "Yeah aight..."

If you bring lobster to class, you better share.

Or else it would be shellfish

If I'm ever in a fight, you better hold me back.

Because I can not fight

You better call early if you want a reservation at the library today.

They’re usually fully-booked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

Beethoven was deaf, but you better enjoy this joke :)

* Beethoven selling property *

Buyer: So, is it for sale or for rent?

Beethoven: For lease

What are you better than your girlfriend at?

Existing

Me: you better be glad your mother had my offspring Son: why

Cause your gonna go far kid

You better read The Holy Bible rather than reddit jokes

Said a Jehovah's Witness to me while handing the book over. I tossed it back and said,

"Repost."

The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!"

I replied, "But it's March Madness! All the basketball games are important!"

She said, "Record it and watch it later."

You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a penis growing on his forehead visits the doctor, worried.

"Doctor, I have a penis growing on my forehead!"

The doctor examines the situation, sits the man down and asks, "Have you been to South America?"

"South America? No, not at all!"

The doctor responds, "You should go, they have stunning beaches and beautiful girls there.” Then ask...

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with the priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.
After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

you're not the dumbest person I know.

But you better hope he doesn't die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter sai...

On a bus one day.....

.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast.

Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom...

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

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