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A pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for answered prayers.

Susie Smith stands, walks to the podium, and says, “Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a mumbled gasp from the men in the congregat...

I would like to buy 200 eggs, please.

- 200, sir?
- Yes. I'm going to egg my neighbor's house and I'm going to egg it good!
- Oh ...
- I'll go down to his yard and throw them eggs to the windows, to the walls, to the door, to the garage, even to his car.
- ...
- That is, of course, unless his stupid dog is outside. In tha...

I would like to thank my fingers...

I can always count on them

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

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"Hello, I would like to buy a dog."

"Are you looking for a male or female dog?"

"Bitch please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife that I would like to get a penis tatoo that says "My wife loves this long schlong"

She told me to stop putting words in her mouth

Asked my girlfriend what she would like for her birthday...

She said "how about some nice make-up"

So I made up with my ex!

Me: 'Hello, I would like to make a withdrawal.'

Receptionist: 'Are you sure you're not here to make a *deposit*, sir?'

Me: "No."

Receptionist: 'Just a few questions, sir. Are you married?'

Me: "Uhm, no."

Receptionist: 'Do you have a partner?"

Me: "No, again. Why do you need to know my marital status and relation...

-Hello, I would like to return a boomerang I bought from here, it's not working.

-Of course. Where is it?

-No idea.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.
But then you would or wouldn't get it, unless you make a measurement.

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At first, I wasn't sure if my wife and I would be sexually compatible, but she assured me she knew what I would like. She was right...

...she had me pegged from the start.

For my first cake day, I would like to share a truly terrible joke I heard from my brother

On the day my friend discovered my reddit account he couldn't believe his eyes. How had I got so much karma? He didn't think it possible. Naturally, for days on end he asked and begged to know. I didn't want the magician to reveal his secrets, so for a while I simply didn't tell him. I thought he wo...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, "I'm getting really wet." "Turns you on, does it? I asked.

"Turns you on, does it? I asked. "No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

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A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

It's farmers Wilma and Henry's 60th wedding anniversary and Henry would like to "do it" once again.

Like when they were young, beautiful and wild, in the farm yard, against the fence, under the caresses of the sun and the fresh breeze.

Wilma ponders a moment and then agrees and so they go, and begin, and quickly Wilma goes off like a rocket. They make love like crazy and when they're done, ...

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I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.

I have graduated to doctorbater.

Texas would like to opt out...

...of the 7-day free trial of Alaska...

At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .

He enquired, " With whom?"

I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."

Who else would like to see a puppet show, minus the puppets?

Let's see a show of hands.

A young boy decides he would like more pocket money

so he comes up with a plan of helping people carry their groceries to the car for a small service fee.

He goes to the closest supermarket and asks every person that comes out if they would need help. Some people agree and give him his money, some people say they don't need help.

A lit...

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I was watching a porn film the other day, and accidentally played the alternate ending. I didn’t think I would like it, but if I’m being honest....

I came to the wrong conclusion.

I would like to personally thank the creator of the word "plethora."

It means a lot.

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

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I was out for a walk the other night and I was approached by a very scantily clad young lady who asked me if I would like some super sex.

"If it's all the same to you", I replied, "I'll just have the soup".

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

It was mealtime on an airplane and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.

“What are my choices?” the passenger asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

I don't know about you guys but I would like a nudist as president,

He clearly has nothing to hide.

I would like to return this vacuum cleaner

Employee:why?
Costumer:it sucks

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God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

Ah, Perry the Platypus. Before I begin, I would like to assure you that this joke was absolutely not stolen. And of course by not stolen I mean COMPLETELY STOLEN! *activates trap*

Behold, My voice-changenator! This masterpiece has the power to modify people's voices across the tristate area! Watch as I merely post to my blog, and then any one who reads it is suddenly unable to resist even thinking in a voice other than my own!

Just once I would like to go to a acupuncturist, lay down on his couch and when he says "how can I help you?"

I'll say "Well I keep getting pins and needles in my leg"

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A man would like to live 150 years

He goes to the doctor and asks if it may be possible:

The doctor asks : « Do you drink alcohol? 
- Not at all.
- Do you do drugs ?
- Never ever!
- Do you have numerous sexual partners?
- No. »

The doctor then looks the man deep in the eye and asks: « then why the hell do...

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." ...

I would like to congratulate the astronauts that left Earth yesterday.

Good choice.

While browsing the poultry market, the clerk asked me if I would like try some goose...

...I told him no thanks, I was just gonna take a gander.

I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOW EATING FOR TWO!!! after a doctor's visit yesterday he confirmed what we’ve been suspecting for weeks now.

she has a tapeworm.

Treat others how you would like to be treated.

And they will tell you to take out the ball gag and stop sodomizing them.

I would like to buy some weed

Me: I would like to buy some weed

Seller: *whispers* An ounce?

Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED

Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....

Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?

Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.

I wanted to finally have a six-pack so girls would like me so I hired a personal trainer to work me out...

...I quit after two days because I couldn't take the ab use.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are talking about what they would like to have people say about them at their open casket funeral

The priest begins, “I would like someone to say ‘He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous.’”

“I would like someone to say ‘He was very kind and fair, and was very good to his parishioners’” says the minister.

Then the rabbi shares; “I would like somebody to say ‘look, h...

As a recent amputee I would like to ask,

who knew that car accidents really DID cost an arm and a leg?

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In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny.

It's fun size.

So the waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish...

I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before.

She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a supersalad.

I told her I'd like the supersalad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again.

I tell her yes, that I woul...

I would like to be a quality inspector at a mirror factory.

It’s a job I could really see myself doing.

A man asks a teddy bear if he would like some food.

Teddy bear : Nah thanks I'm a little stuffed......

I'll see myself out.

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

“How about a quickie?” asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, “Dude, it’s pronounced “quiche””.

A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says

"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

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After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor could not find any explanation for this.

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'E...

Two chemists walk into a bar. the first one says, “I would like some H2O.” And the bartender gives him his drink. Then the second chemist said “I would like H2O too.”

He died shortly after...

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My girlfriend said we should reenact a porn scene that I would like.

So I said, "Leave the house for a few hours then."

Everyone knows of Cassandra, the Greek woman cursed to see the future but to never be believed. I would like to propose a new figure as her opposite: a man who pretends to know to future and have everyone believe him.

Or as I call him, Trump.

Thank you everyone! As the newest mod of /r/news, I would like to say

[removed]

On this international women’s day I would like to say to all women everywhere

Thank you for your cervix

I would like to call out Dr. Goldstein and Central hospital; thanks to them, I’m walking again.

I had to sell my car to pay their bill.

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A mother asked her two son what they would like for breakfast

The first brother says I would like some damn Cheerios

The mother absolutely horrified slapped her son and said never do that again.

The mother then ask the second brother what he would like for breakfast

He said I sure as fuck don’t want Cheerios

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband: " When I die, I would like it to be while having sex."

Wife: "At least we know it would be over quick."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me where I would like to be buried.......

Apparently, " Balls deep in your sister " wasn't the anewer she was expecting.

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I asked my girlfriend if she would like to go out with her friends on Saturday to get a couple of pairs of new shoes, get your hair done in a different style, then go out for a couple of rounds of Chardonnay.

“That sounds great!”

“Good, because we are breaking up.”

-Jimmy Carr

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Went to give a sperm sample the other day the nurse asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup

I said thanks but I don't think I'm ready for a competition yet

A beer, I would like.

Yoda walked into a bar.

If your stuck on a desert island what record would like to have?

Long-distance swimming record would be handy.

Went to the Coca-Cola factory last week. At the end of the tour our guide asked if I would like a complimentary beverage

"Sure. I'll have a regular Coke, please."

"Is Pepsi okay?"

A shy lad was at a party and got talking to a pretty girl. After a while he builds up the courage to tells her that she is gorgeous and asks if she would like to go back to his place to look at his stamp collection...

... “Philately will get you nowhere!” the girl replies.

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I met a girl in a club last night and after a few drinks, she asked if I would like to go back to her place for sex. I didn't want to disappoint her, so...

...I said "No."

A male prison guard asks a woman on death row what she would like for her last meal.

She replies, "I don't know, what do you want to eat?"

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

This morning my wife asked me if I would like to yoga class with her...

Namaste in bed.

My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have...

Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

"My date hasn't arrived yet, but I would like to buy her a bag of popcorn," I told the cinema assistant.

"Small, medium or large?" he asked.



"Large," I replied. "If her picture on Tinder is anything to go by."

Man: M'sieur, I would like some pepper sent up to ma room.

Receptionist: Certainly sir, black pepper or red pepper?

Man: Toilet pepper

I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad

He wanted to be a millionaire too

Trump and Putin are out to dinner. The waiter asks Putin what he would like to order. "I'll have the steak," Putin says. The waiter says, "And for your vegetable?"

"He'll have the steak, too."

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A warden asks an inmate if he could have anything, what he would like to eat for his last meal before his execution

Inmate: Your wife's pussy

Warden: Asshole ...

[yells at guard] CALL MY HUSBAND! This fucker thought he was funny, and didn't know I was gay.

*turns back to inmate*

It'll be an asshole.

I asked my ex wife if she would like to make love just like old times.

She replied,"Over my dead body."
I said, "Yeah, just like old times."

Two American communists decide they would like to emigrate to the Soviet Union.

The two men, names Ron and John, did not trust the negative things they had heard about the USSR in the press, since they believed that was just capitalist propaganda meant to discredit communism. However, just to be sure, the men formulated a plan to investigate what the country was like personally...

Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there. With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat." Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.

The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

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I would like to thank porn

for getting me through the hard times

Pirates would like reddit

"What's your favourite subreddit?"
"I like arrrrrr slash jokes"

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...

They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."

"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.

"You obviously didn't check the...

A little girl was making a wish with Santa, she said I would like a unicorn for christmas, Santa replies but unicorns are just imaginary make another wish, she says ok I would like Manchester United to win a game.

Santa replied, what colour unicorn would you like?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know why anyone would like to be a telemarketer.

If I wanted to be told to fuck off for hours on end, I'd attend a nightclub.

I would like to get deported

Said no Juan ever.

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A minister checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist, "I would like the porn in my room to be disabled"

The receptionist responds, "We only have regular porn, you sick fuck!"

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As we know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social functions over the years.

A couple of months ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many, and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a go...

I can't take all the credit... I would like to thank my fingers...

... I could always count on them. Without them, I would have lost touch.

My dad asked me if I would like to hear a joke...

My dad asked me if I would like to hear a joke...

“Fine.” I said, “But no chicken jokes about crossing the road.”

“Of course not,” dad replied, “All those cars are deadly serious. “

I would like to congratulate Amy Winehouse

on almost 4 years of sobriety.

I wanted to be with someone who would like me for my brains.

So I started dating a zombie.

I would like to confess to a murder and apologize to the entire school,

I mixed up the crows' food with the fish food.

"I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

A doctor asked the patient if he would like to be a donor.

The patient said, "Yes, but only donate my organs to my enemies."

"Why?" asked the doctor.

"Because they really hate my guts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've translated a popular Russian joke to English, would like to know what you think.

A young boy came crying home to his father "Dad, my math teacher is upset with me! He wants to talk with you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"I have no idea! She asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' so I answered '63' and then she asked, 'and what's 9 * 7?'"
The father cut him off, "Wh...

When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did.

Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Would like some joke help. Tell me your best one liner.

I'm going to a murder mystery party Saturday and my character is supposed to be a gypsy juggler who is clever and funny. I just learned to juggle, now I need some jokes. Quick witted and one liners are preferred. Thanks for the help.

Bob Dylan misspoke and would like to issue a correction

"It was me you were looking for, babe."

I asked my girlfriend how I should cut the onions for her, her response, "Do them the way you think I would like them."

And now I know what fear is.

I would like to go to Holland one day

Wooden shoe?

A man who thinks he is invisible decides to get help. He walks into a psychiatrists office and tells the receptionist he would like to speak to a doctor, but has no insurance.

The receptionist looks up at him and says, "I'm sorry, the doctor can't see you right now."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Hitler say when he was asked where he would like to sit?

He said "Mein Kampfy chair."

I would like to thank President Donald Trump on behalf of my wife...

suddenly the thousands I invested into Canadian dating sites wasn't so worthless after all.

A couple of jokes on the theme of "How I would like to die"

1) When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers

2) I want to leave this world as I entered it - kicking, screaming, and covered in somebody else's blood

Today I got bored and went to a seafood restaurant... [OC- would like opinions]

Just for the halibut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would like to tell you a remarkably sophisticated joke...........

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, because they were both stuck up cunts.

I would like to give a shoutout to my grandpa...

Because it's the only way he can hear

I would like to be an ice cream man

It would be a cool job

Silly Billy went in a library and said, " I would like to have a pizza."

Librarian - " Sir, this is a library."

Billy goes near his ear
and whispers - " I would like to have a pizza."

Some people say they would like to be the seat of this or that beautiful celebrity

I guess you could say they want to live vichairiously

I would like a pizza please

-im sorry sir this is a chinese restaurant
-oh pardon me...ahem... i foud rike e pizzah prease

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