UPJOKE
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Would Like Jokes

Wrote my second joke ever, would like some feedback

Three lumberjacks; Sam, Dave, and Ben; are felling trees when a bear approaches them. Sam says "stay back or we'll kill you with our axes!" The bear responds, "woah! I'm a proud vegetarian. I just wanted to offer you all a nicely cooked dinner since you've all been working so hard and are probably h...

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife that I would like to get a penis tatoo that says "My wife loves this long schlong"

She told me to stop putting words in her mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Virgin Mary would like to return to earth once.

God allows it, but only on the condition that she calls heaven every evening. No sooner said than done.
On the first evening, Mary calls Heaven: "This is the Virgin Mary. I saw myself a beautiful skirt. May I buy it?" "Yes, you may. But call back tomorrow night."
The second night, "Here's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next president of the United States."

The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?"

The man asks, "Why, is it required?"

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...

The Queen of France is asked by her chef what she would like her and the rest of the court to eat for dinner

"I would like to eat cheese", she said.

"Which kind of cheese?", asked the chef?

"I would like soft French cheese with garlic and herbs", replied the queen. "And there is one more thing I must insist on".

"Anything my Queen. What is it?", replied the chef.

"It is very im...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." ...

A genie says to an alcoholic drifter, "You have three wishes, what would you like for your first wish"?

Drifter: I would like a bottle of whiskey that is never empty

In a flash, the drifter is holding a bottle of whiskey.
He takes a few gulps from the bottle, and in a few seconds, the bottle is full again.

Genie: What would you like for your other two wishes?

Drifter: I'll have...

I would like to tell the person who stole my place in the queue

I’m after you now!

My landlord told me that he would like to have a chat with me soon...

about the house's sky high heating bills this winter.

I told him: "Sure thing, whenever you want. My door is always open".

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

Henry Winkler sits down on an airplane. The flight attendant comes over and ask him if he would like free head phones.

He responds “Sounds great. But it’s pronounced Fonz.”

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

I would like to thank my arms

For always being by my side

I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me

And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them

"I would like a Miller Lite"

"That would be 7 dollars."

"The price says 5."

"Sorry this is sad hour."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me where I would like to be buried.......

Apparently, " Balls deep in your sister " wasn't the anewer she was expecting.

Thank you everyone! As the newest mod of /r/news, I would like to say

[removed]

My parents thought if they “stacked” our beds we would like it and want to go to bed at our bed time.

That theory was quickly debunked.

I asked my wife if she would like a necklace for Christmas, she said nothing will please her more

So I got her nothing instead

For my Cake day I would like to share my biologist wife's favorite joke.

Two girls are giving relationship advice to their friend.

The confectioner says:

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." And offers to help the girl bake a cake.

The doctor says:

"That is actually false, the quickest way to a man's heart is through the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a reason why I (20m) would like to not die a virgin

I would hate to be part of a jihadists heaven

I would like to buy 200 eggs, please.

- 200, sir?
- Yes. I'm going to egg my neighbor's house and I'm going to egg it good!
- Oh ...
- I'll go down to his yard and throw them eggs to the windows, to the walls, to the door, to the garage, even to his car.
- ...
- That is, of course, unless his stupid dog is outside. In tha...

Psychic medium: So you would like to contact your late wife?

Me: Yes

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: Oh my god, it’s her!!

The waiter asks the sir how he would like his steak?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is!

Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Waiter: I'm sorry we only accept cash.

“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hello, I would like to buy a dog."

"Are you looking for a male or female dog?"

"Bitch please."

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

Who else would like to see a puppet show, minus the puppets?

Let's see a show of hands.

Texas would like to opt out...

...of the 7-day free trial of Alaska...

Me: 'Hello, I would like to make a withdrawal.'

Receptionist: 'Are you sure you're not here to make a *deposit*, sir?'

Me: "No."

Receptionist: 'Just a few questions, sir. Are you married?'

Me: "Uhm, no."

Receptionist: 'Do you have a partner?"

Me: "No, again. Why do you need to know my marital status and relation...

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suite yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.

I would like to say a quantum mechanical joke.
But then you would or wouldn't get it, unless you make a measurement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED.
NOT LONG ENOUGH!

Just seen Van Gogh in the pub. Asked him if he would like a beer.

He said no thanks, I've got one 'ere.

A woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal.

I dunno, what do you want?

I would like to personally thank the creator of the word "plethora."

It means a lot.

I would like to return this vacuum cleaner

Employee:why?
Costumer:it sucks

-Hello, I would like to return a boomerang I bought from here, it's not working.

-Of course. Where is it?

-No idea.

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

“How about a quickie?” asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, “Dude, it’s pronounced “quiche””.

A man asks a teddy bear if he would like some food.

Teddy bear : Nah thanks I'm a little stuffed......

I'll see myself out.

I would like to buy some weed

Me: I would like to buy some weed

Seller: *whispers* An ounce?

Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED

Pirates would like reddit

"What's your favourite subreddit?"
"I like arrrrrr slash jokes"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man would like to live 150 years

He goes to the doctor and asks if it may be possible:

The doctor asks : « Do you drink alcohol? 
- Not at all.
- Do you do drugs ?
- Never ever!
- Do you have numerous sexual partners?
- No. »

The doctor then looks the man deep in the eye and asks: « then why the hell do...

A young boy decides he would like more pocket money

so he comes up with a plan of helping people carry their groceries to the car for a small service fee.

He goes to the closest supermarket and asks every person that comes out if they would need help. Some people agree and give him his money, some people say they don't need help.

A lit...

Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....

Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?

Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.

I have graduated to doctorbater.

Treat others how you would like to be treated.

And they will tell you to take out the ball gag and stop sodomizing them.

I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad

He wanted to be a millionaire too

What song would like to listen to?

- Mozart in A Minor

- you're gonna have to be more specific

- Mozart in *D* minor

I would like to congratulate the astronauts that left Earth yesterday.

Good choice.

I would like to get deported

Said no Juan ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At first, I wasn't sure if my wife and I would be sexually compatible, but she assured me she knew what I would like. She was right...

...she had me pegged from the start.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would like to thank porn

for getting me through the hard times

I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.

Thanks for looking out for me.

Two chemists walk into a bar. the first one says, “I would like some H2O.” And the bartender gives him his drink. Then the second chemist said “I would like H2O too.”

He died shortly after...

I would like some more self esteem

But I don’t deserve it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said we should reenact a porn scene that I would like.

So I said, "Leave the house for a few hours then."

At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .

He enquired, " With whom?"

I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."

I would like to congratulate Amy Winehouse

on almost 4 years of sobriety.

It's farmers Wilma and Henry's 60th wedding anniversary and Henry would like to "do it" once again.

Like when they were young, beautiful and wild, in the farm yard, against the fence, under the caresses of the sun and the fresh breeze.

Wilma ponders a moment and then agrees and so they go, and begin, and quickly Wilma goes off like a rocket. They make love like crazy and when they're done, ...

I don't know about you guys but I would like a nudist as president,

He clearly has nothing to hide.

My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have...

Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

I would like to be a quality inspector at a mirror factory.

It’s a job I could really see myself doing.

So the waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish...

I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before.

She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a supersalad.

I told her I'd like the supersalad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again.

I tell her yes, that I woul...

I asked my ex wife if she would like to make love just like old times.

She replied,"Over my dead body."
I said, "Yeah, just like old times."

For my first cake day, I would like to share a truly terrible joke I heard from my brother

On the day my friend discovered my reddit account he couldn't believe his eyes. How had I got so much karma? He didn't think it possible. Naturally, for days on end he asked and begged to know. I didn't want the magician to reveal his secrets, so for a while I simply didn't tell him. I thought he wo...

On this international women’s day I would like to say to all women everywhere

Thank you for your cervix

While browsing the poultry market, the clerk asked me if I would like try some goose...

...I told him no thanks, I was just gonna take a gander.

I would like to be poor one day.

Because being poor everyday it's hard...

I would like to die in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming like his passengers.

Greetings, good sir ! I would like to purchase one can from your shop.

-Of course, here you go.

-Thank you. Now, how do I open it ?

-Instructions are inside.

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As we know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social functions over the years.

A couple of months ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many, and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a go...

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