Won't Stop Jokes - 66 Hilarious Won't Stop Jokes

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The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.

Its like she's never seen a penis before.

Your sister won't stop crying?

You've got yourself a crisis

IKEA won't stop calling me

All I wanted was one nightstand

Police won't stop anyone looting GameStop

Why would care about $18.53 in merchandise

My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups...

That's the last time I buy A Dell.

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What do you tell a girl who won't stop asking for a tampon?

Put a sock in it.

My new computer won't stop singing.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten Adelle.

What do you say if someone won't stop describing a jug?

Okay, I get the pitcher

Anti-vax mom: Doctor, my baby won't stop crying!

Doctor: He's just going through a mid-life crisis.

A five year old boy won't stop sucking his thumb...

His mother has tried everything: gloves on his hands, bad-tasting glaze on his fingernails, rewards charts, etc., but somehow or another her son would always end up with his thumb back in his mouth.

Finally, after many exasperating months, the mother bursts out with, "Listen, son: Every time ...

My girlfriend is annoyed because I won't stop making duck jokes.

Judging from the look on her face, I don't think I mallard to say them anymore.

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A father is annoyed at his son who won't stop looking at dad jokes on reddit. "Son! Get your ass down here! double time!" He shouts

As his words hit the air, His son suddenly vanishes, leaving behind only a note.

It reads: "Me and my donkey are now downstairs. The year is 4040"

What do you call a prescription opioid abuser who realise their stupidity but won't stop anyway?

an oxymoron

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A parrot won't stop swearing

A parrot won't stop swearing, so the owner says "if you don't stop swearing I'll put you in the fridge for five minutes". "Fuck you" says the parrot, so into the fridge it goes. Five minutes later the owner lets it out, the parrot is really shaking and says "ok, ok, I won't swear again, I promise, i...

My buddy, who's a blacksmith, won't stop talking about how awesome his new dog is.

Apparently, as soon as he got him, he made a bolt for the door.

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A man walks into a restaurant that's owned by a friend of his.

He says to his friend, "How's it going? How's the restaurant business?"

His friend says, "It's going pretty good but I got a chef that won't stop jerking off."

He tells him, "Just fire him."

"I can't. He's an amazing cook. You should try his wings. They are amazing."

"The...

You won't stop that wager-taker's constant complaining...

That's just the way the bookie grumbles.

What do you call an Irishman that won't stop bouncing off the walls?

Rick O'Shea

The cactus outside my home won't stop judging my sudden weight gain

He's honestly such a prick about it.

What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror?

A narcissistick.

When my father won't stop telling bad jokes...

... the puns go on Dad Nauseum!

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

I think my neighbor might be stalking me because she won't stop googling me.

I saw it through my telescope last night

Some people won't stop complaining about Steam's new updates...

... I guess they just can't see the Big Picture.

(Just thought of this and wanted to share.)

I keep telling my dad we're out of milk

The idiot just won't stop coming back with more instead of taking the hint

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

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What do you do when you are riding on the back of a zebra, right next to a camel, and a lion won't stop chasing you?

Get off the carousel, dumb ass. You're drunk.

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A guy walks into a bar with his monkey...

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey.

While at the bar, the monkey won't stop jumping from here and there, messing with the fridge, with the tables, eating food from people's tables devouring everything until a moment that he eats a pool ball.

The bartender said to the monkey's owner...

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :

"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"

- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.

- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.

- "Wait,...

I heard a joke about an echo.

It won't stop repeating itself.

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A couple has sex everyday

But one day the man has to go on a business trip and his wife says to him "how am I gonna get by without you" so the husband suggest that he and the wife go to an adult toy store to find something the wife could use but after going to all but one of the stores in town and they couldn't find anything...

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My 1st grader got home from school and asked me

"Dad, is 'hell' a bad word?"

And I told him, "Yes, that's a very bad word. You shouldn't even know about that word. Don't be saying that word, ok?"

My son agreed to not say it, but then asked, "But hello isn't a bad word, right?"

So I had to explain to him that "hell" and and "h...

A cabbie picks up a nun....

She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as...

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An old man was sitting on a bench...

When a teenage skater punk sat down next to him. The kid has tattoos and piercings and a Mohawk dyed a half a dozen different colors. He notices the old man won't stop staring at him so says to him "What, you've never done anything fun in your life old man?" To which he calmly replies "Got drunk onc...

My wife won a regional Tastiest Coochie award

She won't stop rubbing it in my face

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I really hate cheating on my wife...

But life won't stop fucking me.

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Voodoo dick

A man is going on a business trip and he wants to buy his very attractive wife a vibrator to pleasure herself when he's away. He goes to a sex shop and asks the woman behind the counter to give him the best vibrator she has. The woman shows him some of the vibrators on display and says, "these are ...

Grandma gave me a vest for Christmas and said I should wear it to school.

Bless her heart, but cashmere won't stop a bullet.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?

Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

What do Puff Daddy and Pepe Le Pew have in common?

Can't stop, won't stop.

Me: Hello 911

Operator: hello what's your emergency

Me: these men won't stop laughing at me

Operator: that's annoying but it's not a crime

Me: wtf is manslaughter then

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A guy walks into a sex shop...

to buy his wife a toy while he's away on business. He tells the clerk he needs something that will get the job done as she's difficult to please. The clerk goes in the back, brings up this strange box, and tells the guy he needs to use caution because it is a powerful tool. The guy asks how it's us...

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How many boomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. But that won't stop them from bringing four of their friends, even though we're in a fucking pandemic.

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Why does Cinderella give the best blowjobs?

Because she won't stop until she gets to the ball

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Day 10 in quarantine

The vacuum cleaner won't stop looking me in the eyes when I'm cumming
And I'm starting to like it...

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Long but funny joke (nsfw a tiny bit I guess?)

One day a man was walking down the road and saw a sign on a stable that read "$500 to anyone who can make my horse stop crying" so as any person would do he went to see the horse owner

The horse owned said "i don't know what's wrong with him he just won't stop crying and crying, he has been ...

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They Say That if You Can Make a Woman Laugh You Can Make Her do Anything.

I don't really get it, she won't stop laughing at my penis.

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A businessman is leaving town for work

His relationship with his wife had been unstable recently, and afraid of her cheating on him while he was gone, he went to a sex shop. He explains his situation to the owner.

"I have just what you need," The shopkeeper exclaims, pulling out a long, narrow box. He opens it and explains "Th...

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The Voodoo Dildo (nsfw)

A businessman is leaving soon for a trip. He doesn't want his wife to cheat on him while he is gone, so he decides to buy her a dildo so she can please herself. He goes to the sex shop and says: "Give me the finest dildo money can buy!" The clerk brings out a fancy looking box, and inside is an even...

All wild animals should be arrested.

They're all naked and won't stop urinating in public.

I put my phone on airplane mode.

Now it won't stop calling me Shirley.

dreaming

So a person goes to a psychiatrist and tells the guy this: I keep dreaming that I'm either a wigwam or a teepee and it won't stop. so the psychiatrist says that he should relax because he is two tents.

Popular Memes are like Mass Shootings

People won't stop talking about them until something until another one comes along.

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The American Kennel Club has recognized new dog breeds.

* Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter. Great for Christmas.
* Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer. Smells like fresh mountain dog.
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador. Won't stop barking.
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere. A dog that's true til the end.
* Terrier...

A Man and Woman are getting it on for the first time

She takes his socks off and notices his gnarly toes

"What happen to your toes?" she asks

he says " when i was a child i suffered from Toelio"

She says "you mean Polio?

He says "no it's like polio but of the toes"

She isn't willing to let this stop her. And she slid...

I told my boss I won't be coming.

He said, "Why?"

I said, "Period pains."

He said, "You're a guy..."

I said, "I know, but my girlfriend won't stop screaming."

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[NSFW] so, this guy is going on a business trip,

and he doesn't want his wife to get horny and not have anyone to help, so he decides to get her a little gift. he heads on down to a sex shop, and he's looking at the dildos. "too short. too think. ... WAY too big.." so he goes up to the clerk and asks "hey, you have anything really special?" the cl...

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A step-by-step guide of how to tell if your girlfriend is cold:

1) She won't stop fucking telling you.

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A high school janitor goes to the principal's office

He tells the principal how the girls won't stop kissing the bathroom mirrors everyday to leave their lipstick marks, and how it is difficult to clean. The principal announces over the loudspeaker at the beginning of the day and tells the culprits to stop immediately. Things just got worse after this...

A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment.

She asks "How do you find the Americans, Donald?"
"Mother," says Donald, "they're such noisy people. One neighbor won't stop banging his head against the wall, and the other screams and screams all night long."
"Oh. Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?"
"What can I do? I just lay ...

I know everyone is getting sick of these United jokes but

We won't stop beating this dead horse until it volunteers to get off the plane

A man goes to the hospital

A nurse entered the patient's room and asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In...in front of you?" He mumbles, shyly.

The nurse says: "Don't worry, I've seen the naked human body before. You've got nothing I haven't seen a thousand times." Th...

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The Tale of the Magic Dildo

A woman is married to a great man, and they are perfect for each other. They love each other dearly, have almost no marital issues, and their sex life is especially great. Well....when he's there. You see, this guy makes a lot of money, but has to travel a lot for work. So, naturally, they start to ...

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A guy living in Kansas hears a voice in his head one day...

And this god like voice in his head says "LEAVE YOUR FAMILY, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO RENO, NEVADA"

The guy ignores it at first, and for as long as he can, but it just won't stop "SELL EVERYTHING, TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, GO TO RENO"

So finally he can't take it anymore and h...

A man injures his hand and visits his doctor...

"Doc, will I be able to play the piano now?"

"Of course! This won't stop a thing."

"That's good, because I couldn't play worth a damn before!"

My girlfriend said I should work on my foreplay.

But now I'm at the range she won't stop phoning me.

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