UPJOKE

With It Jokes

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

A joke I came up with when I was 8 (or I read it somewhere)

2 bats were sitting on a bench in the middle of the night and one turns to the other and says "I'm really thirsty for some blood"

So he goes off into the darkness.

After a while he comes back with its mouth full of blood and the second bat says "wow where did you get so much blood in t...

What does an octopus take with it when it goes fishing?

Ten tackles

Help, I took medicine to clear congestion and I’m still suffering with it.

It’s 6 am and I hate traffic so much.

What does the sun get with it’s sandwich?

Light mayo.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

Why did the bistro stop with its own poultry?

Because they caught the chef with a chicken, stroganoff

What gets harder the more you play with it?

A rubiks cube

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already

My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

NSFW What do you call a gnome with it's head up a woman's dress?

A Goblin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it."

Would you consider shagging it for $500? Paddy replies, I will on 3 conditions: 1st, I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd, my family must never know.


3rd, i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

People who continue to eat bread even though they have digestive problems with it.

Are a gluten for punishment.

My mate loves red wine. She hates it when people mess with it....

I thought I know I'll add some fruit and Lemonade....



But now she’s sangria than ever...

What do you call it when a bird moves things with it’s mind?

Pelikinesis

My friend got a Scandinavian car but he keep complaining about all the problems he’s having with it.

It’s a really just a “Saab story.”

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until... "Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride. "It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all twisted!"

"That's what they look like!" he replies.

"Have you ever SEEN another man's junk?" the bride demands.

"Well, no - but I'm normal! This is what they look like!"

"No they don't!" sh...

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so l asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it

The doctor said, "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.