I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”
If that were true I would still have my baby
A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.
After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.
As they were carpooling back from the funer...
A joke I came up with when I was 8 (or I read it somewhere)
2 bats were sitting on a bench in the middle of the night and one turns to the other and says "I'm really thirsty for some blood"
So he goes off into the darkness.
After a while he comes back with its mouth full of blood and the second bat says "wow where did you get so much blood in t...
What does an octopus take with it when it goes fishing?
Ten tackles
Help, I took medicine to clear congestion and I’m still suffering with it.
It’s 6 am and I hate traffic so much.
What does the sun get with it’s sandwich?
Light mayo.
My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.
Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.
Why did the bistro stop with its own poultry?
Because they caught the chef with a chicken, stroganoff
What gets harder the more you play with it?
A rubiks cube
I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already
My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
What do you call a gnome with it's head up a woman's dress?
A Goblin
People who continue to eat bread even though they have digestive problems with it.
Are a gluten for punishment.
My mate loves red wine. She hates it when people mess with it....
I thought I know I'll add some fruit and Lemonade....
But now she’s sangria than ever...
What do you call it when a bird moves things with it’s mind?
Pelikinesis
My friend got a Scandinavian car but he keep complaining about all the problems he’s having with it.
It’s a really just a “Saab story.”
I lost three fingers on my right hand, so l asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it
The doctor said, "Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it."
4 jokes are hidden here because they may not be suitable for all ages.
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