UPJOKE
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Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

A group of professors were called and sat on a plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off, all the professors were informed that the plane was made by their students. Then all the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape with the exception of one professor who remained seated with so much confidence and calmness...

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Grown-up words.

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

>"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly s...

Little Johnny

The teacher came up to Johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what separates you from a monkey.

Johnny said with confidence "the desk".

Kids get back into the classroom after playing at recess

and the teacher says, “who can tell me what they did at recess?” Sally raises her hand and says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That sounds like fun, Sally! If you can correctly spell sand, I will give you a cookie, replied the teacher.

“Sand, S.A.N.D. Sand” said Sally with a smile.

“Cor...

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A girl was meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time

Unfortunately she was dealing with a severely upset stomach. As they were seated around the dinner table she had to try and release some of the crippling pressure, and decided to let out a little gas quietly. Her "little" fart resulted in a squeak audible enough that everyone at the table heard. The...

A mathematician was interviewing for a job

A mathematician was interviewing for a job. The interviewer asks him - "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?".
The mathematician thinks for a while and replies : "Peop...

"When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"

It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, “Hey, what about my gun?”
“Listen, bud,” advised the munitions officer, “just keep your hands o...

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A Four-year-old boy and his dad sit at the kitchen table.

It's Sunday morning and mom just made breakfast. On the table is french toast covered in butter and doused with their favorite maple syrup. There are four slices of bacon on each plate and an overwhelming amount of scrambled eggs. A tall glass of orange juice demands their attention. The boy and his...

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Late Night After the Bar

Was walking down the street with a buddy the other night after the bar, we suddenly stop when he spots what he assumed was shit on the floor. I asked “hey, how can you be sure it’s shit?” He looks at me as if he just had a brilliant idea, he bends over takes his index finger and dips it in the suppo...

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Happily ever after

Bob was tired of being single but he was extremely insecure about his dick. He decided to join a church and woo a really shy woman to make his wife.

He found a decent woman who showed up to church every Sunday. She was quiet and always kept to herself. After a year of dating her she a...

A farmer who knows a little bit of english wants his son to study at an english school.

One day he takes his son to a local english school for admission. A teacher gives him a form to fill in.He goes on filling the form and despite his bad english he manages to fill all the informations correctly. The last thing asked was to provide his son's
mother tongue. He fills with confidence...

Journey to Africa

My 6th-grade buddy told me he was travelling to Africa for a holiday.

Two weeks later he calls me up saying, "This place is so beautiful, wish you were here with me!"

I ask him where his holiday destination is, and he replies, " I'm in the most beautiful river, they call it the Amazon....

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Students on a Plane

A Group of Engineering students were given free airline tickets for a holiday outside the country. Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane from the parts the students had built. Everyone freaked out and left, except for the teacher who sat in front smiling with confidenc...

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Johnny is a sponge

One night a mother and father get into a heated argument.

"You bitch!" Screams the dad.
"You're a selfish prick" the mom replies.

Their little boy Johnny pipes up with "what do those words mean mommy and daddy?" Thinking quickly the dad says "I was just calling your mother a lady, ...

There’s a college guy that decides to take a vacation in France.

The guy arrives checks into his hotel and goes to grab a bite to eat. He sees a French guy with all these beautiful women all over him and thinks it’s odd because the guy isn’t very attractive. He just shrugs it off and finishes his meal.

Later that day he heads to the beach and sees the same...

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A man comes home...

To find his wife sitting seductively on the couch in sexy lingerie. She looks at him coyly and asks, "Have you ever seen a dollar all crumpled up?"

The man replies, "No..."

His wife reaches near her breast and pulls out a crumpled up $1 bill. She then asks him, "Have you ever seen fift...

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So during the WW2 german army occupied one ukrainian village...

So during the WW2 german army occupied one ukrainian village. German officer said to make one line formed with all ukrainian men that living in the village. Then officer makes next order:

"Every woman that will recognize his husband by only sucking penises with closed eyes will save both hers...

A blonde walks into a store

She sees a TV within her price range and tells the salesperson "I'd like to buy this TV"

"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."

She decides to go home and dye her hair black and returns the next day to buy the TV.

Once again.. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."

Desperate ...

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Archery Competition

Three archers decide to participate in a tournament where each of them has to shoot an apple that is standing on top of a volunteer's head.

The first archer shoots his arrow and it hits dead center on the apple; filled with confidence, he turns to the crowd and says:

"I'm William Tell!...

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When he turned 13, little Johhny asked his father if he would buy him a new bicycle................ *NSFW*

The father smirked at little Johnny and said to the young man "Well, I don't know son. Does your dick reach your asshole?"
Bewildered, Johnny went to the bathroom to check; coming out with a sad look on his face sobbing "No sir".
"Well, there's your answer son. No, I will not buy you a new bic...

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