UPJOKE

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My wife wants to have sex in the back of the car

And she wants me to drive

A wife wants to try 69 with her husband

The husband says “what’s that”

“I’ll show you” the wife says

The wife then straddles the husbands face and farts. The wife then scurries off embarrassed.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to do that let me try again” says the wife

The wife straddles the husbands face and once again fa...

Wife wants to see the circus

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinne...

My wife wants to replace our kitchen countertops with Quartzsite

I told her I was afraid the kids would take it for granite

Wife wants to Undress

Wife - please remove my blouse

Husband - ok ( proceeds to remove her blouse )

Wife - Unzip my miniskirt and take it off

Husband - ok dear ( unzips her miniskirt and takes it off )

Wife - now unhook my bra

Husband - sure ( unhooks her bra )

Wife - now plea...

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"I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

A man trudges into a bar and slumps down on a stool.

"Hey, buddy," the bartender says, "you look pretty down. What's eating you?"

The man sighs and shrugs. "I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

"Isn't that just a bunch of Victorian costumes, usele...

Boudreaux's wife wants a divorce

Boudreaux's wife wants a divorce but Boudreaux does not, so he asks the lawyer, "Why does Evangeline want a divorce? I thought I was a good husband, me!"

The lawyer replies, "Evangeline said you have been a good husband for the most part but it's three behaviors of yours that bother her so m...

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My wife wants to make a porno with me and I'm really excited

I'm going to be playing the husband who goes to work

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

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My wife wants sex 3 times a month but I want sex 10 times a month.

So we compromised and have sex 3 times a month.

My wife wants me to blow on her when she overheats

But honestly...

...I'm not a fan

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(NSFW) My wife wants a divorce.

She told me, "You always have a dirty mindset wherever we go!"

I told her, "Baby, I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination!"

That's when the shit hit the fan. My whole room started to smell and I realized I don't have a sexy imagination, nor a wife for I am a redditor.

My wife wants a vacuum.

I think I'll give her some space.

A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday

She drops hints to her husband:

"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."

The husband nods knowingly. S...

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I hate when my wife wants to talk during sex

So i just don’t pick up the phone.

My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behaviour.

Little does she know she can’t enter my pillow fort without the secret password.

My wife wants me to stop making movie references

But old habits John McClane

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My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.

I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.

Crunch and Munch.

My wife wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I refused.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling it’ll try to lecture me.

My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.

She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?

My atheist wife wants to name our son a biblical name.

Honestly, I'm appauled

My wife wants to get those alphabet fridge magnets

and I want no part of it. I don't want wake up to things spelled out on there like:

"*You're next*"

Or

"*Look behind you*"

Or

"*I'm leaving you and I took the kid.*"

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My wife wants to prove she's brave enough to get a vasectomy...

I told her she doesn't have the balls to do it.

Wife wants to relax today!

Wife wants to relax today!

Wife: Today, I want to relax,
so I have brought three movie tickets.

Husband: why three tickets?

Wife: you and your parents. 😀

My wife wants to leave me because of my obsession with FC Barcelona

I see a Messi divorce ahead.

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My wife wants me to be her sexual advisor

She said:"if I want your fucking opinion I'll ask for it"

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