My grandpa was very competitive...

My grandpa was so competitive with me and would always try to win any game we played. Baseball. Soccer. Even who could eat the most corn dogs.

But I’ll never forget his last words to me as he was about to pass away, he look at me wide eyes and with his last breath he said…

…”staring c...

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

A man in the desert rents out a camel to ride on.

The rental guy asks, “Have you ever ridden one of these?”

The man replies, “No.”

“It’s simple. If you say Woah, it will walk. If you say Woah Woah, it will run. If you say Woah Woah Woah, it will run so fast you have to pray to god to stop.”

The man hops on the camel and says “W...

A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.

“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave.
“Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator.
The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave.
“Alright,” said the man standing up...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde on an airplane

A blonde boards an airplane heading from California to Texas. She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant taps her on the shoulder gently, and says, "Miss, your seat in is coach. I need you to move please." The blonde says, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and I deserve to sit in first class....

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

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A young boy uses the bathroom in school and wipes his ass with his hand when there's no toilet paper...

... Since he had nothing to wipe with, he comes back to the classroom with his hands cupped, hiding the shit.

The teacher notices and asks him, "what do you have in your hand?"

"Oh don't worry," the little boy says. "It's a little leprechaun."

"Now don't lie to me, show me wha...

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It's the 1950s, and four Russians come to Moscow after a long trip...

They check in a hotel; Ivan is trying to sleep, while his three friends start drinking and talking. Ivan asks them to stop several times, but they just ignore him.

Soon, they get really drunk and start telling political jokes; they laugh so noisily after each one that Ivan, really pissed off ...

A young Italian couple were just married...

The year was 1901 and a young couple was just married in a small town in Italy. They were staying at the brides parents house, as it was customary for the first few days while their living situation was sorted out. The mother was making a delicious red sauce when the bride decided she would join h...

Alcohol and food

A little boy climbs onto his father's knee.

"Daddy," he says, his wide eyes bright with optimism. "Now that alcohol is so expensive, does that mean you'll drink less?"

The father laughs.

"No, my son," he replies. "It means you'll eat less."

Two young rednecks were looking at a Sears catalogue and admiring the models.

Earl says to the Bubba, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"

Bubba replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Earl says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Bubba smiles and pats him on the back...

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Ms. Nugent, a retired widow went to the beach wearing a bra and thong.

Her husband had died a few years back and after years of mourning she decided it was time to get back in the game. And what better way than to go to the beach in a racy, sexy swimsuit to snag a man. In her youth, this plan never seemed to fail although in that time, they didn't have thongs.

A...

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[NSFW] Glitter

A White guy, a brown guy, and a black guy go on a road trip. Along the way to their destination, they have engine issues and the car breaks down. Nearest service station is over 50 miles away, fortunately for them, there is a house farm nearby.They get to the door and knock.

An old, bitter l...

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A bear chases a rabbit though the woods.

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods,
The bear leaps and catches the rabbit, doing so they both roll into a ditch.

During the roll, both the bear and rabbit accidently rubbed against a lamp.
The lamp begins to shake and let's loose a genie.
"Thank you both my friends, as a r...

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I was walking by this young couple...

And the husband rips a really loud fart. His wife looks at him with wide eyes and she is mortified. The husband looks at her and says, "Oh don't worry. It's just my ass talking shit behind my back again."

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