As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....
"But you already own her home!"
A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit
A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.
The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."
The nurs...
I used to feed ducks everyday.
A big group of them, but there was always one that really stood out to me - he always had very rough feathers, always shaking with wide eyes and a chipped beak. Then one day I saw him huddled in a group with a couple other ducks that looked exactly the same, and they all had little packets of white ...
My grandpa was very competitive...
My grandpa was so competitive with me and would always try to win any game we played. Baseball. Soccer. Even who could eat the most corn dogs.
But I’ll never forget his last words to me as he was about to pass away, he look at me wide eyes and with his last breath he said…
…”staring c...
A man in the desert rents out a camel to ride on.
The rental guy asks, “Have you ever ridden one of these?”
The man replies, “No.”
“It’s simple. If you say Woah, it will walk. If you say Woah Woah, it will run. If you say Woah Woah Woah, it will run so fast you have to pray to god to stop.”
The man hops on the camel and says “W...
A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.
At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''
The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”
"When drums stop...very bad."
An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.
*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*
The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...
Alcohol and food
A little boy climbs onto his father's knee.
"Daddy," he says, his wide eyes bright with optimism. "Now that alcohol is so expensive, does that mean you'll drink less?"
The father laughs.
"No, my son," he replies. "It means you'll eat less."
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Ms. Nugent, a retired widow went to the beach wearing a bra and thong.
Her husband had died a few years back and after years of mourning she decided it was time to get back in the game. And what better way than to go to the beach in a racy, sexy swimsuit to snag a man. In her youth, this plan never seemed to fail although in that time, they didn't have thongs.
A...
A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.
“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave. “Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator. The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave. “Alright,” said the man standing up...
Two young rednecks were looking at a Sears catalogue and admiring the models.
Earl says to the Bubba, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"
Bubba replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Earl says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Bubba smiles and pats him on the back...
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