UPJOKE

Wide Eyed Jokes

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A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

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Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.

Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.

The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, “ Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?

The officer tells her she wasn’t speeding but she was going a lot slower ...

A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp...

A man is walking through the woods, and he finds a magic lamp on the ground. Instinctively, he picks the lamp up, rubs the side of it with his sleeve, and out pops a genie. The genie thanks the man for freeing him, and offers to grant him three wishes. The man is ecstatic and knows exactly what he w...

Jesus at the Pearly Gates

Jesus is walking past the pearly gates one day when St. Peter asks him to fill in for a while so he can take a break. Jesus is a bit concerned and protests that he doesn't know the admissions procedure. St. Peter tells him it's easy, just look up the name in The Book and pass judgement, and that Jes...

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[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect

dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please .....

Hopefully this isn't a repost, but I love this one.

A group of men are changing in locker room at a golf club. Suddenly a cell phone on the bench starts to ring, and a man puts it on speaker phone as he continues getting dressed. He says "Hello?", the woman on the other line says "Honey, it's me. Are you still at the golf club?"

"Yeah, what's ...

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Another penis joke

A big man who had a reputation for having a large member met a stunning lady one evening.

Later they decided to sleep together - when the man undressed the woman started laughing when she saw the word MINI tattooed on his penis, the man was not bothered at all.

Later, after some fore...

This is more of a sight gag that works really well in front of easily embarrassed or nonplussed mixed company. Hopefully I've told it well enough for it to be useful for others to use if they so desire.

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion. While they were reminiscing one asked the other..
"Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

"No, what's up with her?"

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his frien...

At the Polish-Russian border

A Russian border patrol walks down the line, expecting a quiet evening when suddenly he sees something dangling from a tree. Someone hung himself. Right there. At the border. He calls his partner.

"Ivan? Come quick, there's someone hanging from the tree! Someone committed suicide right here a...

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The Ferrari and the Moped

A man saves up his entire life to buy a ferrari. He goes to the dealership and chooses a red one. As he pulls out of the parking lot he comes to a red light. As he is waiting for the light to change he sees a fat kid pull up next to him on a moped. The kid grins at him showing his puffy cheeks and s...

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I was surprised to see my eight year old son looking at me as I exited the shower.

Shocked and nude, I thought quickly to avoid an award moment with my son.

"Son, someday I promise your dick will be as big as mine." I said making the best of the situation

The son looked wide eyed at my fatherly penis; and promptly ran off screaming...

"Mommy, mommy, daddy's ...

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My buddy's first blow job

My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first blow job"
Bartender replies, "First blow job eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the h...

Four Different Views Of Life

One day, three friends went walking on a train track stumbled upon a tunnel (mind you, the first is an Optimist, the second a Realist, and the third a Pessimist). The Optimist says,
“Fellas, lets go through this tunnel! C’mon it’ll be fun!”
The other two roll their eyes and agree. About halfw...

Three women are sitting on a plane.

An English woman, an American woman, and an African woman. After some terrible turbulence, the captain informs the passengers that they have to make an emergency landing in the ocean and to put their seat belts on.
The English woman does so and starts to apply lavish amounts of make up on. The ot...

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Damn Potatoes

A pastor comes home and asks his wife whats for dinner. "Damn Potatoes" she replied. Appalled at his wife's language, the pastor says "Theres no need to use such foul words to describe dinner dear." She later explains that the brand of potatoes is called 'Damn Potatoes' and they both have a good lau...

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A Scotsman moves to the United States and watches his first baseball game

When a runner hits a ground ball he watches everyone yelling for the player to run, when next player does the same thing he joins in. The next goes up to bat and he gets three balls and a strike. The last pitch is a ball and the player drops his bat and starts to walk to first base. The Scotsman yel...

Two rabbis would go fishing regularly...

One day they decided to invite a priest that they had known for a long time. They reach their fishing hike and go out in their boat. One rabbi says: "hang on I forgot my lures," and he walks back to the shore for them. The priest stares wide eyed as the rabbi walks back over the water.

Some t...

The Pope is in the back of a limo.

He strikes up a conversation with the driver. "This is a pretty nice limo. You know, I can't even remember the last time I drove a car. It must be at least forty years." The driver, wanting nothing but to please his high holiness, offers to let the Pope drive for a while. The Pope, wide eyed, imm...

A man walks into a bar... The bartender smiles and says, "What can I get you today, bud?"

The man drunkenly says, "Pint of beer please."

Bartender pours the beer, hands it over and watches as the man gulps it down in one.

"That'll be ÂŁ4 please, sir."

The man looks at him wide eyed, "I'm not paying for that, you asked me what you could get me so I took up your generou...

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3 men and their wives were walking through a Forrest late at night...

All of the sudden, a large cat crosses their path. Not knowing what to do, the 6 of them stop.

The first mans wife pipes up and says “don’t worry honey, I have to fight off cougars all the time when they try to hit on you at the bar, I got this”

The mans wife approaches the cougar and...

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Little Johnny is fishing with his grandpa...

Grandpa cracks open a beer.
"Can I have a sip of that"? asks Johnny.
"Can your dick touch your asshole"? replies Grandpa.
"Well, No" answers Johnny.
"Then NO" says Grandpa.

Some time goes by and Grandpa lights up a cigarette.
"Can I try that"? asks little Johnny.
"Can your d...

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A Cardinal comes rushing into the pope’s private residence in the Vatican and says ‘Your highness, I have some extremely important information that I need to share with you’.

The pope looks at the cardinal with some concern and says ‘Ok, let’s hear it’.
The cardinal takes a deep breath and says ‘Well I’ve got some really good news, and I’m afraid I’ve got some really bad news’.
The pope walks over to the Cardinal and places a hand on his shoulder and says, ‘No...

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The first time they took their son to a nude beach

the kid became wide eyed when he noticed all the naked ladies. Then he asked why some ladies' boobs were much larger than some other ladies' boobs. Mom, wanting to give a quick answer, said some women were not very smart but had big boobs to compensate.

Then he noticed how some men had large...

There was a hunter who lived alone in the middle of the forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.


One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river ...

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