Whole Lot Jokes - 63 Hilarious Whole Lot Jokes

Intercoursing with a motivator is a whole lot new fun.

She will keep you coming.

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

3 Churches and a Whole Lot of Squirrels

There once was a small town that was swarmed by wild squirrels. The Squirrels made their home in the town's three churches.

The church leaders all made efforts to remove the squirrels. At the end of the year, all three church leaders met up to compare their results.

The First church ...

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My sex life just got a whole lot better...

Frontier increased my download speed from 1.5Mbs to 15.

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You know the difference between sex for money and sex for free?

Sex for money is a whole lot cheaper.

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Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

I told my dad recently "life would be a whole lot easier if you just pulled out"

He replied "I think I tried!"

My wife and I's love life got a whole lot more interesting ever since we got an e-reader.

You might say we've rekindled the fire.

(Just thought of it, probably terrible, and probably something someone's already thought of, but hey-ho.)

I just made life a whole lot simpler for an overweight friend of mine...

I explained to him that every restaurant in town is an "all you can eat" place.

Y'all heard about the white shirt wearing thief, who got away with a whole lot of iron and chromium, all without dirtying his clothes?

... It was a stainless steal...

Yes, I'll see myself out... Bye!

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

Now that I'm an adult, there are things I can appreciate a whole lot more than when I was a child...

Things like wearing diapers and spankings...

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"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles...

In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't.

The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight."

A hillbilly knocks on the door of his new neighbour's house

"Howdy, neighbor," he says. In honor of you moving into the holler, I'm gonna throw a party.There's gonna be a whole lot of drinking, a whole lot of dancing and a whole lot of screwing.

Sounds like fun, the neighbor says. What can I bring?

The hillbilly replies, You can bri...

A teenage boy shows up to take his new girlfriend on a date

He arrives to her house and is greeted by her at the door. Her father is sitting in the chair in the den, and when he comes in to introduce himself, the father calmly gets up, reaches into his pocket, and tosses him something underhanded, and says ‘catch’.

The boy looks at it and realizes it’...

I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

A man buys a parrot...

And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him.

In a rage, he finally throws the bird i...

When I die I’m leaving my body to “Toys For Tots”.

I think children all over the world will behave a whole lot better if they knew that if they were bad Santa might bring them a rotting corpse for Christmas.

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A man goes to hell...

A man dies and goes to hell. There he meets the devil, who is going to show him to the place he will be for all eternity.

The man is escorted into an ordinary room, with a bunch of people standing around drinking coffee.

The only odd thing is everyone in the room is knee deep in shit....

A Horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.

The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.

Se...

I hear they are calling the riots yesterday 'The Capitol Blizzard'

Makes Sense....
They caused lots of destruction,
Was full of snowflakes,
And a whole lot of White.

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An old lady walks into a bank with a big bag of money

One of the employees asks her what she wants.

Old Lady: I'm here to open an account and I want to deposit all this money into the bank.

"Whoa, that's a whole lot of money", the employee said. "You'll have to talk to the manager."

The employee escorts her to the manager's office...

Man: "Aww geez, my life sucks!"

Narrator in Hiroshima: *It was about to get a whole lot worse*

Thuperheroeth

A guy was walking down the street when he glanced down an alley and saw that it was almost entirely demolished. In the center of the rubble laid a man with all his teeth missing and blood pouring from his mouth.

The bystander ran up to the injured man. "What happened?"

"Well, I wath ...

What do my dms and a vegan get together have in common

There's a whole lot of unwanted meet

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A man gets on a bus, with both his front pants pockets filled with golf balls

He sit's down next to a beautiful blonde woman.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he turns to her & says, “It's golf balls.”

The blonde looked at him compassionately and said: ...

Just had a very Trump like bathroom visit

A whole lot of hot air, and hardly anything of real substance.

A Jewish joke updated for modern times

Pastor Jackson and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Washington DC in 2022. "Pastor Jackson," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Fox News! I can't understand why. A Black libel website! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Black person?"

"On the...

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".

Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could mak...

3,000 male cows are playing musical chairs. What happens when the music stops?

A whole lot of bulls sit.

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke on here

I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper

Did you hear about the musician who borrowed money from a loan shark?

He's in a whole lot of treble.

Just a Little too Much, I'd say....

An iguana is walking through the jungle and stops when he smells weed being smoked. He looks up and sees a monkey smoking a joint. Iguana says, "Hey monkey can I join you? I'm having a bad day."

Monkey tells him yes and he climbed up and joined the monkey. Halfway through the monkey asks the...

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The new CEO

On his first day, the new head man takes a tour of the main factory where the company's products are made - commenting periodically to his assistants on possible changes. The most common thing he notices is that most of the employees could be working harder than they are. Finally, he spots one guy w...

I hate that it's already no nut November

I'm going to have to jack it a whole lot to keep my mind off of cashews...

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My doctor prescribed me Viagra for my depression

He thought it would lift me up, but it just makes everything a whole lot harder.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Me: I want to be rich!

Genie: Granted. And what would your second wish be?

Rich: I want a whole lot of money..

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.

I slept like a baby last night

2 hours of sleep and a whole lot of crying

I decorated my parking space the other day.

It changed a whole lot.

Now that the Xray machine at the airport shows genital size,

I'm having to tell the TSA agents that it was cold outside a whole lot more.

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A farmer and his drinking buddy are sitting on the porch...

It's a hot day, and both men are having a beer while boredly watching the farmer's hound dog lick his balls.
**Drinking buddy**: He he. Ya know, I wish I could do that, I'd have a whole lot of fun...

**Farmer**: Oh yeah? You go ahead and try, I bet he bites the shit out of you.

What do they say about a minimalist's yard sale?

Not a whole lot.

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A Soviet general is marching his army through Poland.

As they're passing by a hill, they hear a voice cry out from the other side of it. "No Soviet soldier can stand up to one Polish soldier!"

The general is furious. Such disrespect to the motherland is intolerable. He points to his best foot soldier, and says, "Comrade Ivan, take that hill in t...

The nurse at the admissions desk kept misrecording each patient's blood-types..

His inability to use a keyboard definitely resulted in a whole lot of Type-Os!

BREAKING NEWS! CORONAVIRUS!

Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case"....

Now that Canada legalized weed...

there's a whole lot of Canadians bakin

My father may have been abusive and a drunk, but there's one good piece of advice he gave me that I wont forget.

When I was younger I asked him how to make a good impression at an interview. I was gonna ask my mum but she wasn't feeling well after she had another "accident" as he put it. He begrudgingly told me to "dress for the job you want, then once you have that job, don't start slacking. It's just as impo...

Racism is stupid.

Why hate a person based on his/her skin color? If you just took the time to know them as a person, you can find a whole lot of other things to hate them for.

The Poacher and the Bishop of Ely

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash...

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Adam goes to a bar

Adam goes into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll ya have, fella?"

Adam says, "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."

Barkeep fills the order, hands it to Adam, who says "th-th-th-th-th-thanks."

Barkeep leans over the counter, motions to Adam, looks left & righ...

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The Party

A man is hitchhiking close to sundown when a trucker picks him up.

Trucker: Where you headed?

Man: I'll get a room at the next town.

Trucker: I'm headed to a party in woods up the road. You're welcome to go.

Man: That sounds great.

Trucker: Just to warn...

There once was a Reddit named jokes

There once was a reddit named jokes

That attracted a whole lot of folks

If you read it all through

'till the links aren't blue

You'll find that they're all just reposts

A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...

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A Midwestern Dog in Africa

A guy from the Midwest went to work in Africa and took his dog with him. There was a whole lot of new smells to sniff and the dog went away in the jungle driven by the fancy smells.

In the jungle the dog suddenly noticed that a leopard is planning to have him as a lunch. The dog thought for a...

Air Force One Vanished

The Air Force One vanishes somewhere over a remote farm. Quickly, a rescue party is sent to the last known location. Instead of the plane, they just find a farmer on a bulldozer.

Rescuer: "Have you seen the presidents plane anywhere?"
Farmer: "Yeah it crashed on my field about an hour ag...

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A fugitive sought shelter in the home of a women he knew.

Her living room had a cathedral ceiling, which is to say it went all the way up to the roof peak, with rustic rafters spanning the air space below.

She was a widow, and he stripped himself naked while she went to fetch some of her husband’s clothes. But before he could put them on, the polic...

A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing one day.

While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The boy acknowledges this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around today. The teen says, "Gramps, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with too many kids when you were young did they?" The gran...

A little Irish humor

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot ...

Fred and Susan were having their usual loud...

...and endless argument about family reunions.

At last, Fred relented. "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine."

Optimism

I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist. I just don't have a whole lot to work with.

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