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Man and cockroach talking. Man: "My penis is ten times longer than your whole body."

Cockroach: "Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do."

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My whole body is changing during lockdown

The button on my Jeans have started social distancing from each other.

I'm going to cover my whole body in gift-wrap.

Then I can say I'm truly living in the present.

A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt.

A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a ...

Guy visits doctor with pain all over body.

Man: "Doctor! my whole body aches, everywhere I touch hurts."

Doctor: Sir your finger is broke

The trophy girlfriend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d l...

Grocery Shopping

Fred and Brenda go to the local supermarket and as they're looking around Fred sees a massive pile of lager cans with the sign '12 for a tenner' on it. He rushes over and adds a twelve pack to their trolley.

'oh no you don't. We can't afford that. Put em back' says Brenda

'But it's 12 ...

Interviewer: Where were you born?

Me: in India


Interviewer: oh, which part?



Me: What ‘which part’ ..? Whole body was born in India.

A blonde walks into a doctor's office, the doctor asks what's wrong and the blonde says "My entire body hurts!"

"Oh?" Said the doctor, "like a whole body ache?"

"No!" said the blonde "like everywhere is searing pain! Here I'll show you!"

The blonde pokes her shoulder "That really hurt!"

She pokes her stomach "That really hurt too!"

She bends down and pokes her knees "Both of those ...

Netherlands work ( personal experience )

So, English is not my first language, it's my third. I moved to Netherlands some time ago and I got my first job. Apparently people here are nice? And they also pay their taxes? Did you guys know that? Anyway, the manager of the factory I worked in approached me to say ''hello'' and introduce himsel...

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

Original: An Atheistic sailor goes out for a drink...

An Atheistic sailor goes out for a drink in a new town when he spots a likely-looking place named "The One Eyed Man".

People have already lined up to get in. As he joins them, he notice that most of the men in the line are wearing eye patches. All of them in fact.

Just then, a flock of...

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A boy is born with no body

The poor guy had no arms, legs, or body and was just a head kept alive to the mercy of machines.

He sat by the window, day in and day out watching all the other boys play baseball in the field across the street, the dogs sprint to catch their frisbees, and the birds fly around so gracefully. ...

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The Boss Of The Body (not mine)

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We s...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

Three bats chilling in a cave upside down

On of them goes out for a hunt, turns back with his mouth full of blood. Both are impressed, "damn dude what did you catch?" "You see that pile of flesh? Well that was a big fat cat, juicy blood!".

The second one goes out, turns back within an hour, whole face covered in blood. "Wooah man, te...

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There are three naked men outside a Halloween party.

The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume.

The first man foun...

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.


The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It w...

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A head rolls into a bar

It orders a drink from the oldest bottle in the bar, the bartender points to an old bottle and shows it to the guy the man says “yes” the bartender proceeds to open the bottle and out of the bottle comes a genie who tells the head it has 3 wishes.

The head says “I wish I had my whole body” <...

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I'm sure my dad didn't write this, but it was always one of his favorites: The organs were having a meeting...

"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"

"What?"

"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, t...

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A young Irish woman goes to confession...

She makes the sign of the cross and says, “Bless me Fahder, fer I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “Go ahead, me child. What would it be ye need t’ confess?”

She replies, “Well Fahder, last night I made love t’ me boyfriend. Actually, dats not quite it. We made love tree times, Fahder...

Once, a little boy was born with no arms.

He also had no legs, or even a torso. His parents adored him anyway and completely doted on him.
As he got older they would put him in front of the window and he would watch the other kids run and play in the park across the street. One day a doctor rocked up with radical plan for a whole body tr...

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said: "Hey, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."

Yep, he really put his whole body weight into that kick. So when I moved the bucket last second he fell and broke his neck.

The Vampire King Had Three Sons

There once was a vampire king. The king knew he was going to die soon so he wanted to give one of his three sons his kingdom.
To determine which son, he sets up a competition, 'Whoever drinks the most blood in one day, earns my kingdom.'
After one day, the three sons returned. The king asks t...

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We all know that one girl...

A man and a woman are having sex. The man is fingering the woman to get a little foreplay going. As hes fingering her, she grabs him and whispers in his ear "I like fisting.."

The man grins and proceeds to inserting his fist. The woman moans in enjoyment, but says "Deeper,". He proceeds to sl...

A long time ago, a spanish civilization was extremely advanced in technology.

In fact, their technology was so advanced in their current time period that they were thought to be using magic. While others built their shelters out of sticks, they built their shelters out of adobe bricks. While others cooked with fire pits, they cooked with electric stoves. While others fought w...

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A group of philosophers entered a statue contest…

After an hour, their statue was ready. The judge walked up to see a row of tees in grass, with soccer balls sitting on top.
The judge said, "Excellent work. As philosophers, I can see how you've incorporated your jobs into your piece. The soccer represents cooperation among mankind, to protect ...

A woman goes to a sleazy doctor complaining that she doesn’t feel very well...

Before she can say any more, he tells her to go into the other room, strip off and lay down on the bed. When he comes in, he’s so taken with her beauty that he immediately starts to fondle her whole body.
“Don’t worry, this is quite normal,” he says. “I expect you know what I’m doing?”
“I supp...

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Three married guys are bragging about how good they are in the sack

The first one goes: "First I rub my wife's whole body with massage oils for a good half hour then I lick her toes. She's usually pretty excited at that point. Then I come down on her for a long time until she begs for me to give her the d. I fuck her very slowly to build up her impatience and after ...

Just a Head...

A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.

The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm pops out. After the next shot a torso pops out. After...

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