UPJOKE

While Driving Jokes

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

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I saw a girl texting while driving the other day..

it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

Came up with this while driving from Texas to Florida

**How long does it take to drive from Louisiana to Alabama?**

About one Mississippi.

While driving home from the store yesterday evening my wife told me she wants another baby.



I said, "That's wonderful! I don't really like this one either."

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A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

A cop stops a motorist. "Sir, you were playing a trombone while driving. Do you know how dangerous that is?!"

"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."

I don’t get why people are bothered by the sun while driving.

I just close my eyes and it’s not a problem.

I Hit A Pole While Driving In Europe Once

I'm now wanted in Poland for manslaughter.

Def Leopard is the safest band to air drum to while driving

Because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.

Yeah, I know its Def Leppard, auto correct messed that up for me.

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

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A city guy needs a bio break while driving through the country. He stops at a gas station, and they only have an outhouse.

He goes back to the outhouse, and there are two holes, one of them in use. He goes up to use the other one.

After he's done, 75 cents falls out of his pocket while he's pulling up his trousers. He looks in the hole, finishes pulling up his trousers and pulls out his wallet. He pulls out two h...

I got pulled over for texting while driving

Officer: Sir, you know you're not supposed to be using your phone while driving, don't you?

Me: Well officer, I guess we all make mistakes when we've been drinking.

A lot of people text while driving.

I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret while we’re drunk.

On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving..

Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

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If getting a blowjob while driving is called Roadhead, what do you call getting a blowjob while piloting a plane?

Airhead

I was pulled over while driving home from the gym

The officer said " you've been swerving all over the road, have you had anything to drink?"
"Yes" I answered, "but only two light beers"
As he saw the two empty kegs in the back he said "those don't look like two light beers!"
I replied "perhaps you should work out, they're only about 16 ki...

"Honey, be careful while driving on the highway" I told my wife on call...

"The news says that a there's a person speeding on the wrong side of the highway"


"One person!?" She replied, incredulously,


"These idiots are in hundreds"

I saw someone on their phone while driving

I got so mad, I pulled right up beside them and threw my beer at them

Why shouldn't you post to Reddit while driving?

becau

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A man runs out of gas while driving through rural Iowa...

His cell phone dead, he walks along the highway until he finds a farmhouse. He knocks on the door, and an old farmer offers to fuel up his car after they finish dinner, which he kindly invites him to.

While enjoying his meatloaf and company of the farmer and his wife, the man looks out the wi...

While driving to work this morning I rear-ended a car at a traffic light.

When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf.

He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...'.

So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

A mathematician was arrested while driving...

The cops nabbed for drinking and deriving


Credit /u/tildenpark

Did I tell you about the time my friend had a heart attack while driving his Caddy?

We call it his Cadillac Escalade cardiac escapade.

A woman accidentally crashed her car into a van because she was using a vibrator while driving. The hospital said she is in “stable and extremely relaxed” condition.

The driver of the van said he never saw her coming.

If turning down the radio while driving improves eye sight...

Then blind people shouldnt drive with the radio on.

I saw a sign while driving yesterday that said "Watch for children"

What a good trade

While driving my car, I accidentally ran over a kid carrying a cymbal...

Ba dum, Tsss.

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A husband and a wife are having an argument while driving... NSFW

... Out of rage, the wife chops off her husbands penis and throws it out the window. It hits a car travelling in the opposite direction. Meanwhile in the other car, a father and his young daughter were driving. Suddenly BOOM a penis smacks their windshield and it flies off.

The daughter asks...

A man was listening to the radio while driving home.

There was a report warning about someone who was going the wrong way on the highway.

The man said to himself, swerving: “There isn’t just one!”

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I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a bad day

at work, I'll look in the mirror while driving, and mutter to myself " you're all cunts aren't you ? " and then tap the brakes twice so they all nod.

I don’t mean to sound paranoid about changing lanes while driving

But I’m always looking over my shoulder

Thought this up while driving behind a car with a Star Wars Rebel sticker on it.

What is the favorite type of weather of Stormtroopers?

Mist

I got pulled over while driving because I was weaving too much.

I told the cop it’s my first time knitting, so I’m pretty slow at it.

I was driving down the highway today and saw a woman in the lane next to me reading a novel while driving

I was so angry that I stopped texting and flipped her off

I got distracted today while driving and rear-ended the car in front of me.

The car door opened and out hopped the driver. He stormed up to me, all 3' 9" of him, and angrily blurted out "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

*"Which one are you then?"*

While driving to work today, I saw a huge cheesecake...

Around the next corner was a large trifle, followed by an apple turnover. There were no cars. It seemed to me the roads were strangely desserted.

A priest was pulled over while driving for speeding

The priest said to the officer: “Blest are they who show mercy, as they will receive mercy”

The officer responded back, giving a ticket: “Go, and sin no more”

I got robbed by robbers while driving my car the other day.

I guess you can call them the pirates of the car-I-be-in.

Do any of you fellow Redditors post jokes while driving in traffic?

I normally don't, but I was just wonderkjtivnodoijhgh

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I confess: I've masturbated myself while driving.

And that was the only time my driving instructor had to stop the car.

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While driving a blonde woman was listening to the radio...

The hosts were telling blonde jokes, so while frustrated because of how blondes are perceived she sees another blonde in a boat rowing in the middle of a wheat field.

She gets off of her car red with anger and starts yelling at the other woman:
-You dumb bitch, women like you are the reaso...

Rear ended a little person while driving home. He hops out, walks back and screams...

"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!".....I asked him, "Which one are you then?" That's when the fight started.

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Sometimes I masturbate while driving

The passengers on my bus don't like it, but the high school hasn't fired me yet...

A woman has a child while driving to the hospital...

They named him Carson.

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Some crazy asshole cut me off while driving to work this morning.

I damned near spilt my cereal all over the book I was reading!

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The other day I saw a girl texting while driving.

The other day I saw a girl texting while driving. Doesn't she realize how dangerous that is? She had no concern for all the people she was on the road with. I thought of all the other motorist that she was putting in danger with her reckless behavior and this pissed me off. So I rolled down my windo...

I hate it when people honk at me while driving

Like I'm literally doing nothing.

What happened when the farmer fell asleep while driving?

He hit the hay

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While driving home one night a man rear ends another car

When he gets out of the car he realizes the other driver is a priest. The priest looks over the damages and pops his trunk.
"Well my trunk still opens, so lets thank God neither of us was hurt. Would you like to join me in a prayer?"
The man nods and the priest takes out some communal wine and...

Why do musicians always listen to music in C major while driving in roads?

To avoid accidentals.

Why did the guy get a ticket while driving in Chinatown?

He drove down the Wong Street.

A traveling salesman had got lost one day while driving through the Midwest farm country. So he stopped at a farm house for directions.

While the farmer was giving the salesman directions, he noticed all the farm animals were penned except a 3 legged pig roaming around the farm yard.

Curious the salesman asked the farmer what was the story about the 3 legged pig.

"Why this is no ordinary pig. In fact he's quite amazing...

I’m deathly afraid of sharing a car with someone while driving through underground passages.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

What do you call it when you throw a book out your window while driving down the street?

Litterature!

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

Today, while driving to work, I took a moment to stop and think

I wish the car behind me had too.

Cops are getting brutal out there. I got pulled over for changing my radio while driving!

And I had JUST gotten the old one taken out when he pulled me over.

While driving home I saw my mechanic on the side of the road crying like a little baby.

I don’t know exactly what happened but he must have had a serious breakdown

I need to stop texting while driving

It's really hurting my golf game.

A cop stopped a man smoking cannabis while driving

The officer asked "how high are you?"
The man replied "no officer, its hi how are you"

Who do you call when you hurt your feet while driving?

A Toe Truck

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

How to make your wife take care while driving?

Tell her that if she meets with a serious accident, the newspaper will have to print her age.

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Little Jimmy is in a car with his dad while driving along a red-light district

Jimmy sees all the ladies behind the windows and asks his dad what they are doing.

"They are selling pleasure, Jimmy", his dad replies.

When they get home, the boy thinks: "Hmm, I'd like to buy myself some pleasure as well", so the next day he smashes his piggy bank and takes all his m...

Seeing all these drivers looking at their phones is so infuriating, how irresponsible can you be while driving?

Anytime I see one of them in traffic it totally kills my high.

While driving home early one day, I saw a man running naked

I pulled over and asked, "Why are you running like that?"

He answered, "Because you're coming home early."

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving...

While driving on the highway, my wife called and to warn me about a crazy person driving on the wrong side of the road...

I responded to her, saying, ”One crazy person?! Every single driver on this highway is crazy!”

If a man hits a woman while driving his car, who's fault is it?

Contrary to popular belief, it is the man's fault. There is no reason for him to drive in the kitchen.

Did you hear about the fashion designer who was on the phone while driving and nearly got into an accident?

It was a clothes call.

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While driving I saw a guy on the side of the road with a sign that read "HANDJOB - $15+"

The + got me curious so I stopped. He tells me $15 gets you a dry handjob, $20 adds lube, $25 adds ball play and $30 adds a finger in the butt.

I went home and told my wife all about the handjob guy. I suggested that she could at least once a year, for my birthday, give me the $30 handjob spe...

While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Someone was taken down to the police station after they were caught drinking vodka from a coffee cup while driving.

They took a mug shot.

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While driving, I hit a car driven by a little person. He ran up to me and said "Hey asshole! I'm not happy!", to which I replied....

...."So which one *are* you then? "

A man had a terrible hate for lawyers.

Like, he really hated any and all lawyers he met.
And as such, every time he was out driving his car, he would go out of his way to hit them. It didn't matter when or where, if he saw a lawyer he just had to run them over.
The man, however, was also a pious man. One day while driving, he s...

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