UPJOKE

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she wanted a Monkees-themed wedding.

Then I saw her face.

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I could tell my wife was cheating on me when she said she was out with her friend.

Her friend has been in bed with me for the past hour. That lying, cheating bitch.

This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me

I said I never met herbivore

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing “I'm a Believer”...

Then I saw her face...

When Amy Schumer was growing up, everybody would laugh when she said she wanted to be a comedian

Nobody laughs anymore

I really thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see a Monkees tribute band play in Switzerland.

And then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva...

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So there I was, staring at Medusa's boobs when she said "HEY! My eyes are up here buddy!"...

But I was already rock hard

My wife and I had a huge argument when she said Jim Morrison was overrated

I disagreed and she stormed out, I hate it when she slams the doors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was getting a handjob by a blind girl when she said,

"you have the biggest cock I've ever felt" and I said, "naw, you're just pulling my leg".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Jaime reply to Cersei, when she said she didn't want to have sex?

"I incest!"

I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she had an abduction fetish.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

I was in the car the other day with the Misses when she said to me " im sure the people in the car next to us are welsh" What makes you think that i said.

" well cos the kids in the back are writing "stit ruoy su wohs" on the window.........

What did the male beaver say to the female beaver when she said she wanted him to build something nice for her?

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dam.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde boards a plane, flying economy...

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, an...

Yesterday my girlfriend and I got in a fight when she said I was man-splaining.

But I think she just miss-understood

I dumped my girlfriend when she said she had the banner of the USSR on her wall.

It's a huge red flag.

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My girlfriend made me proud when she said I was the biggest guy she has ever had sex with!

I’m a 250 pound guy with a 2” penis!

I never believed my teacher when she said I’d need Pythagoras later in life

Wait until my partner finds out I can’t cosine a loan.

I was helping my sister move when she said, "do you wanna box?"

Why was she so mad when I punched her in the face?

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

What did Humpty Dumpty say to his girlfriend when she said they were breaking up?

Is this some sort of yolk?

Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man”

Until I walked in on him banging the maid.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't learn the correct Smash Mouth lyrics.

And then I looked at her head.

I was carefully measuring out a dab of Cannabis extract for my roommate, when she said,

"Did you remember to-- Oh, nevermind; you're concentrating."

I could tell my girlfriend was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with her BFF Jill

...when Jill was lying beside me this whole time. Smh

I was at dinner the other day with my girlfriend and her parents when she said "Could you pass me the knife daddy?"

I knew I was dead when both her dad and I stood up.

I was making out with my girlfriend in my car when she said "OOH DARMOK!! KISS ME DOWN WHERE IT SMELLS!"

...so I drove her to New Jersey.

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