UPJOKE

When I Was Younger Jokes

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

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When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I'm older, I don't like to place those kinds of limitations

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Jamaican guy gets invited to an emotion themed fancy dress party (terrible joke I liked when I was younger)

People start arriving before him, first is Sally who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in blue, with tear drops inked on her face. "Ah Sally nice costume, you are clearly sadness, come on in and get yourself a drink."

Next up is Andy, who knocks on the door dressed head to toe in red, wi...

When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.

Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

When I was younger,I used to love making sandcastles with my grandmother

Until my mom started hiding the urn

I always wanted children when I was younger.

I could never entice them into the back of my van.

When I was younger...

I used to be in a bar band called Terabytes.


We had thousands of gigs.

When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

When I was younger I struggled with a serious drug problem

These days I have a much more reliable dealer.

When I was younger I had a job baiting fish hooks down the docks.

I started off as an apprentice but by the time I left I was a Master baiter.

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

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When I was younger, I used to shave my privates with a cut throat razor.

I don’t have the balls to do it anymore

I used to collect stamps when I was younger

But then one day I realized, philately will get you nowhere.

When I was younger, I thought rich people bought Bose products and the rest of has had to buy Sony.

Turns out that was just a stereotype.

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When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

When I was younger, I jammed a scrabble tile into my nerf gun and shot my brother at close range in the forehead, killing him instantly.

I didn't mean to kill him though, I thought it was a blank.

When I was younger I asked my mom if I was adopted

She said "not yet"

When I was younger,

when I was younger, a lot younger, I used to think that vasectomies and circumcisions were the same thing. Now I know there's a vas deferens

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

When I was younger I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma!

Unfortunately, no one at the funeral was impressed

I remember when I was younger lying there in bed waiting for Santa to come..

I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.

When I was younger, I used to go to the store with a dollar, and come out with a pop, a bag of chips and a pack of gums...

Now, they have cameras.

I attended Annapolis Naval Academy when I was younger. I dropped out after a semester, it was so disgusting.

Seamen everywhere

When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

When I was younger, I had a horrible condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.

I'm lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

When I was younger, I thought I was clever by coming up with a joke: What is a British person's favourite cereal?

Cheerios!

I told this to joke to a British person.

They were a little tea'd off.

When I was younger I couldn’t afford a house.

But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can’t. But my boss has five.

When I was younger, I promised myself that I wouldn’t become one of those people who starves for attention and tries to get everyone to look at them but

Look at me now!

When I was younger, my mother always used to tuck me in.

I think she secretly wanted a girl

When I was younger I hated going to weddings

it seemed that all my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in he ribs and say, "You're next". They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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Mild (NSFW) When I was younger I had a fairy godmother who granted me one wish.

She said I can either have a long penis or a long memory...


I forget my respnse

I was in quite a severe accident when I was younger, it damaged my legs really bad.

I had to get a double kid knee transplant.

When I was younger, I was given a choice: a good memory or a long dong.

I can't remember which I chose.

I used to dress up as a nun when I was younger, but gave it up.

It was a hard habit to break.

I used to race snails when I was younger...

... And I thought that removing the shells would make them go faster, however, it only made them more sluggish.

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

When I was younger my dad taught me the easiest way to catch a bear.

First you need to dig a hole about 6 feet wide and 12 feet deep. Then you put a thin layer of ash from a campfire just enough to cover the bottom of the hole. The next step is to place a ring of peas all around the edge of the hole. Then when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hol...

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Once when I was younger, my sister walked in on me while I was masturbating.

She screamed at me and called me a pervert.

A couple of days later, I walked in on her while she was masturbating.

She screamed at me and called me a pervert.

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When I was younger I used to masturbate by having sex with a jar of peanut butter...

But growing up and looking back I realize I was just fucking nuts.

When I was younger, I owned a dog named curiosity.

I also owned a cat but, you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat

When I was younger I found out my mom was into S&M...

When I got into trouble I had to spank her.

When I was younger, I had a tough time concentrating in school

My parents told me that if I didn't improve, they would have to send me to Concentration Camp

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

You know, I thought about joining the Navy SEALs when I was younger.

Then I heard people were clubbing new ones and I wimped out.

Collection of joke that were retold countless times when I was younger.

A plane carrying bricks was flying northeast over a jungle when a brick fell out. Which direction did the brick fell in?

- Down.

 

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

- Open the fridge.

- Put elephant in.

- Close the fridge.

 ...

I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger...

It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

When I was younger, I was obsessed with the difference between a sine and a cosine.

As I got older, I realized it was just a phase.

When I was younger my parents used to play hide and seek with me.

It's been 30 years and I still haven't found my dad.

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When I was younger I really enjoyed looking at women’s rears

Not much has changed except now I’m a grown ass-man

When I was younger I thought wearing glasses meant you were smarter than everyone else...

...now I realize those are the people who would get killed in the wild.

When I was younger everyone called me weird because I didn't have a gag reflex.

Now they just call me

When I was younger I wanted to be a film developer

But then I realized I didn't want to sit in a dark room alone with a bunch of negative people

I remember my mum tucking me in when I was younger

in hindsight she made it pretty obvious she wanted a girl.

When I was younger I wanted to become a pirate!

Now I am a photographer, because every pirate has to own a Canon.

When I was younger I distinctly remember a woman with a snake knocking on our door every December 31st to deliver fresh fruit. As a child I was terrified.

But when I got older I realised it was just new years Eve.

My weird uncle came into show and tell with me when I was younger.

Worst funeral ever.

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I was always so scared of Sex-Ed when I was younger

I always feared the teacher would finish a lesson and then tell us to find a partner.

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When I was younger, I used to put porn on the TV when my parents went shopping.

The Best Buy employees didn't really appreciate it though.

When I was younger I was molested by a mime...

He did unspeakable things to me.

Back when I was younger, I looked in the Mario Kart Wii manual and saw it had Classic Controller Support. I thought, "How the hell do you use that?"

Looking back now that I have a Wii again, I looked at my Wii remote and said, "How the hell did I use that?

I used to move around a lot when I was younger

But lately I've just gotten really fat.

When I was younger, I always heard of people getting robbed at gunpoint.

If there's been so many robberies, why do people keep going to gunpoint?

When I was younger I tried breeding rabbits...

it was a hare-raising experience.

When I was younger I couldn’t wrap my head around infinite sums

But now it all adds up

When I was younger I went to church to see the Resurrection.

All I ended up seeing was the Revs. Erection.

When i was younger my grandmother use to say: “Be careful when going out at bars and clubs, they put drugs in your drinks!”

Now, nearly 30 still looking for the place that serves free drugs!

When I was younger, I was given the decision to either be really popular or have a good memory.

To be honest, I forgot which one I chose.

I used to collect clocks when I was younger

I had too much time on my hands.

Once, when I was younger, I was grounded for tickling my brother's feet...

... My mother told me to wait till he was born and to go was my hands.

When I was younger, I was told that anyone could become President.

Seeing Trump's campaign, now I believe it.

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I was a cocky little punk when I was younger

I remember one time, when I was 9 years old, getting called into the principal's office.

“Your behavior is out of line, and getting worse & worse each day. Standards really are slipping."

"I'll do the talking” he replied.

I was in a relationship with a fish when i was younger..

It was a school crush

When I was younger I used to have these little plastic cut outs for drawing around.

I’d do them all the time, almost compulsively, but there would always be more. I’d spend hours and never run out. Then I realised, I’d never be done, I’d never accomplish anything because there would always be more and long after I stopped or died they’d be there.

Anyway that’s the story of m...

I was quite flexible when I was younger

The kids used to call me Spiderman because my uncle was murdered.

When I was younger a bully used to take my money...

He still does, but now he asks if I want fries with my order.

When I was younger, everyone used to say they thought my Dad was a bit weird.

But they were wrong, he was a wonderful father and a great kisser.

"You da bomb" was one of the best things to hear someone tell me when I was younger.

But the possibility of hearing it now has me scared to death here in ISIS.

When I was younger, I was dead-set on being buried when I die.

But now, I'm warming up to the idea of being cremated.

When I was younger, I was afraid of the dark.

Now I see the electric bills, and became afraid of the light.

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When I was younger...

I was with this girl, I think she was nine... But we went up into my tree house to play. One thing led to another and out of curiosity, we showed each other our private parts. But yeah, that was probably the best 21st birthday a man could ever ask for.

When I was younger, I used to hide my condoms in a Battlefield video game case.

When I was younger, I used to hide my condoms in a Battlefield video game case. One day, I brought a girl home so we could bump nasties. As I was about to make love to her, I remembered my condoms. I got up, went over to my shelf, pulled open the case, and got the condom out. The girl who was with m...

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When I was younger my father told me

"If you masturbate you will go blind!"

I replied "Dad, I'm over here."

When i was younger i never thought i'd have a beard

....But eventually it started to grow on me.

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard

but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

I remember going to Church when I was younger

The Priest really touched me

When I was younger my father was a math professor...

One day I asked him what the average professor was like. He replied, "there is no average professors, but I know a lot of mean ones!"

When i was younger i had part of my colon removed

Now i only have a semicolon

"When I was younger they all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian," said Dane Cook.

"Nobody's laughing now!"

I always wanted to be Batman when I was younger.

Not because of the money or the gadgets. I just hated my parents.

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my mom took me to "bring your kids to work day" when I was younger-

the day went all right, but I just dont think the other strippers liked me.

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

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This man was unhappy with his appearance

So he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”
“36”
The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the ca...

An elderly woman is reminiscing:

\- Such an incredible progress in medicine! When I was younger, all the doctors were telling me to get undressed, now it's enough for me to show my tongue!

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Funny ‘wrong’ punchline

When I was younger the phone company, had a slogan/jingle “ reach out, reach out and touch someone”

The Joke going around was… what do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?

Answer: a 35 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

When I asked my girl ...

Timmy had been dating Joyce for almost 2 months and decided to tell his parents on Thanksgiving break

When he tells his dad, he asks him “wait a moment, is this Joyce, Susan’s girl?

Timmy replied: “yes Susan Thompson, that’s her mom, do you know her”?

His dad said after a deep sigh: “well son, I’m Afraid you can’t date her, see when I was younger I got around if you know what I mean a...

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People don't know how lucky they have it these days...

When I was younger and wanted to look at sexy pictures, I had to sneak the Sears catalogue into my bedroom to look at the underwear and swimsuit pages.

But nowadays... anyone can hop on any smart device and just go directly to sears dot com

Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.

Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years.
“Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there?
“What, are you lying?”
“Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son”

Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after s...

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

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