UPJOKE

What Is The Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the sentence you can say after funeral and after sex?

She didn't suffer for too long,

What is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories.

What is the best “safe word”?

Meatloaf, because I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a Prostitute, a Mistress, and a Wife?

The Prostitute says, “Are you finished yet?”


The Mistress says, “You're not done already, are you?”


The Wife says, “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.

What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

What is the difference between BTS and Logan Paul?

BTS is a boy band from Asia; Logan Paul is a boy banned from Asia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What is the difference between a circus and a stripper club?

One is an array of cunning stunts . . .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what is the female version of rock out with your cock out?

Jam out with your clam out.

What is the difference between Politicians and Flying Pigs ?

The letter f

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

What is the difference between Americans and the British?

Americans think 200 years is a long history, while the British think 200 miles is a long trip.

What is the best male contraceptive?

An empty wallet.

What is the most confusing day in Alabama?

Fathers Day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler was doing what he thought was best for his country.

Edit: I'm getting a lot of comments that the comparison is very inaccurate and Hitler was much worse than Pai. To those people, I invite you to check which sub you are currently on. The results will shock you!

Edit 2: Wow so...

What is the difference between iron man and aluminium man ?

Iron man stops the bad guys, aluminium man just foils their plans.

What is the capital of Greece?

About 10 dollars.

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

C4

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

Only takes one nail to hang the picture.

What is the most dangerous type of canoes?

Volcanoes

What is the name of that restaurant?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man...

What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism?

In a capitalist society, man exploits man and in a socialist one, it's the other way around.

What is the fastest way to become sober?

Touching your pockets and not feeling your phone.

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

What is the difference between Americans and IT support?

Americans don't have troubleshooting.

What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!

What is the best or funniest insult you have ever heard or said to someone?

A buddy told a horse-faced girl at the bar after she wouldn't stop trying to pick him up: "you look like you want to nuzzle a sugarcube out of my hand"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between your dick and your jokes?

No one laughing at your jokes.

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the similarity between a bank and sex?

In both cases, you lose interest after a withdrawal.

What is the German word for a bra?

stoppenfromfloppen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the heroin equivalent of "Whiskey Dick"?

Poppycock.

What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign Language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a hippie girl and a muslim girl?

The hippie girl gets stoned before sex.

What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals having a 69.

What is the difference between Kevin McCarthy and a newborn baby?

In a few months, the baby will be a speaker.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted!

what is the best thing about dead baby jokes?

they never get old

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma.
A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

What is the difference between Clinton and Putin?

Putin can win a rigged election.

What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

What is the square root of 69?

8 something

What is the worst thing you can say when someone points a gun at you?

Oh, Shoot!

What is the difference between a job and a wife?

10 years later the job still sucks.

What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

"What were you doing the night between November and May?"

what is the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

An electron.

What is the difference between a dollar and a ruble ?

A dollar.

What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?

Uncle Bens rice.

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III

What is the most mediocre state?

OK

(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

what is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

one is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

What is the difference between North Korea and EA (Not repost)

North Kor

What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating?

Your ears

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the cheapest meat?

Deer testicles.

They're under a Buck.

What is the Funeral Director's favourite drink?

He can't start his day without his *Mourning Coffee*.

What is the difference between light and hard?

Most guys can fall asleep with a light on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between parsley and pussy?

Nobody eats parsley.

What is the opposite of a Debbie Downer?

Bethamphetamine

What is the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a dully dressed man on a bicycle?

A tire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the best way to piss off a Redditor?

[removed]

What is the fastest way to get a small fortune?

Start with a large one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the greatest word in the English language?

The obvious answer is greatest.

But the true answer is Fuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between Usian Bolt and Hitler ?

Usian Bolt can finish a race.

What is the quickest way to find an American in a crowd?

Shout "is anyone here Irish?"

From my eight year old daughter: What is the strongest bird?

A crane.

What is the difference between "Ooooh" and "Aaaah"?

10 centimeters.

What is the holiest city in the United States of America?

Toledo

If a stork is the bird that brings babies, then what is the bird that prevents babies?

A swallow

What is the most difficult animal to hunt in Africa?

The Polar bear.

What is the difference between marriage and death?

When you're dead you don't wish that you were married.

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

What is the difference between a long term spouse and a volcano?

With enough years of study and observation, one can predict a volcano’s explosive tendencies.

What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

About one U.S Leader.

What is the difference between New Zealand and the United States?

In New Zealand the sheep have four legs

what is the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search of a golf ball.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, what is the difference?

An eleven year old boy comes home from school and tells his Dad, "Dad, I keep hearing the boys at school use the bad words Pussy and Cunt but I don't know what the difference is."
Dad: "Go get that Penthouse magazine in my nightstand and I'll show you."
The boy runs off to get the magazine...

What is the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

I asked 7 famous supermodels “what is the key to a guy getting your attention?” And they all said the same thing.

“Who are you and what are you doing in my house?”

What is the best weapon against someone with bad hygiene?

Axe.

What is the name of a rock group that has four members yet none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

What is the favorite place that mathematicians hang out at?

It's the Times Square

What is the difference between Lauren Bobert and a fart?

A fart makes an impact on a room full of people.

What is the worst punishment for someone with ADHD?

A concentration camp

What is the biggest difference between identical twins?

Location.

What is the difference between a pop guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 5 people, a pop guitarist plays 5 chords for 10,000 people.

What is the difference between the government and organized crime?

Only one of them is organized.

What is the lightest sin a Muslim can commit?

Spelling marathon backwards.

It's *almost* not haram.

What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.

What is the difference between a trampoline and a trombone?

You bounce higher when you jump on a trampoline.

What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service?

The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.

Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

What is the one type of person that will never get angry?

A nomad.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

What is the smallest unit to measure...

What is the smallest unit to measure distance ?

It's the millimeter !

And what is the smallest unit to measure volume ?

Yes, it's the milliliter !

And so, what is the smallest unit to measure intelligence ?

It's the military !

What is the Grinch's favorite band?

The Who.

What is the difference between Pokemon Go and Tinder

On Pokemon Go you swipe up to try and capture fake characters in a virtual world. On Tinder, you swipe right.

What is the average maths teacher like?

Mean

What is the funniest candy of all?

A LOL-lipop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I’m home!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between an epileptic oyster-shucker & a prostitute with diarrhea?

The epileptic oyster-shucker SHUCKS between FITS.

A mother is helping her son study for a test : She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What is the capital of France?"

He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"

What is the difference between a violin and a viola?

A viola burns longer.

What is the saddest time in Brazil?

Seven to one.

What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

The bad golfer goes “WHACK! Darnit!”

What is the most common digestive issue among pathological liars?

IBS!!

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

There's one less drunk at the funeral.

What is the favourite game of balding people?

Fallout.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.