UPJOKE

What happened when Tinker Bell couldn't find a bathroom? [Original]

She Peter Pans

What happened when five fat French men got in the lifeboat?

Cinq.

What happened when Cinderella reached the ball

She gagged

(Wasn’t my joke, just heard online)

What happened to the old man who was falling asleep on a raft that was not tied to the dock?

He drifted off

What happened to the handy man when he lost his hands?

He became an army man.

What happened after a tornado hit the shoe store?

After weeks of Sole Searching it finally reopened.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?

Popeye got pissed

Did any of you hear about what happened when the kitchen floor in Heaven got covered in crumbs?

Jesus swept.

What happened when the old tractors wheel fell off?

They decided to retire it.

What happened after Lance Armstrong was caught doping?

He took his ball and went home.

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. No Time.”

Did you hear what happened to the butcher?

He accidentally backed into the meat grinder.

He's okay though, he just got a little behind in his work.

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

What happened to the cannibal when he was late to a dinner party?

He got the cold shoulder

What happened when the teddy bear got punched?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

What happened to the guy who mixed up his Epilepsy tablets with his laundry tablets?

His clothes don't fit anymore!

What happened when the duckling fell in the tea cup

He quacked it…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the bank teller that masterbaited in the vault?

He came into a lot of money

What happened between a bald person and their hair?

They had a falling out.

What happened to the first cow to travel through time?

They either went to the future or the pasture.

What happened to the intern electrician after accidentally shocking himself bc he forgot to wear PPE?

He was grounded.

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.

One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".

But I couldn't believe them.

You know, these politicians. They can lie.

What happened to the guy who didn’t pay his exorcist?

His house got re-possessed

I'd like to explain what happened before the Big Bang.

Unfortunately, there's no time.

People of China, do you want to hear what happened on Tiananmen square in 1989?

No tanks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the horny square?

He had an E- rectangle.

What happened to the blind circumciser?

He got the sack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey buddy, I heard your pops died. I’m sorry for your loss. What happened?

Buddy: Viagra overdose

Me: …it must’ve been really hard for your mother

What happened when Moses got mad?

He parted ways!

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off!

What happened when Stevie Ray went to a guitar playing contest?

He vaughan

What happened to the all of the good chemistry puns?

The best chemistry puns argon.

What happened when the blonde tried giving roadhead?

They fell off the motorcycle.

What happened to the firefly when he backed into a fan?

He was de-lighted.



(This was one of my Dad's favorite jokes)

What happened to the Guns N' Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?

Its axle rose

What happened when the cows escaped from the paddock?

Udder Chaos!

What happened when the Chef got caught with their hand in the Dishwasher?

They both got fired

What happened to the Indian girl that didn’t want to eat her dinner?

She got sent to bed for naancompliance

What happened when Chris Brown bought the mansion next to Rihanna's?

\[Ri moved\]

What happened when Pope John Paul II got shot?

He became ‘His Holeyness’
(No offence to Catholics/Pope/God)

What happened when the chicken was found stealing from work?

He was forced to tender his resignation.

What happened to the car that got recycled?

It was reincarnated.

What happened to the emo

A depressed emo high off shrooms was walking in the forest when he came across a tree with arms. He tried to give him a high-five but the tree left him hanging.

Did you hear what happened to the Bald King who couldn't sire any sons?

He died *heir*-less.

The difference between retroactive and radioactive is what happened when my neighbor got a power bill with $1000 of retroactive charges.

She's marching around the front yard with a shotgun. I pity the first power company truck that drives by.

What happened to the German cake?!

I think it was Stollen...

What happened when the '90s kid saw a disposable camera?

It gave them a flashback!

What happened to the baby portabella when he talked back to his parents?

He got sent to his mushROOM

What happened when the Saudi Arabian woman smoked weed?

She got stoned

What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow

Jim and Joe are sitting at a bar drinking and jim asks where is John? Joe says John is missing . What happened asks Jim . Well joe says

John forgot his wedding anniversary again. His wife flew into a fit of rage, walked out to the driveway pointed to the ground and said., I want a present that goes from 0 to 200 really fast and I want it here by tomorrow morning.
Fine says Jim but that doesn't explain where John is.
Well cont...

What happened to the plant on the windowsill of the math classroom?

It grew square roots!

What happened when two vampires had a race?

They finished neck and neck

Did you hear what happened at the laundromat last night?

Three clothespins held up two shirts.

What happened when the Bank teller went crazy?

All I got was non cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you believe what happened in DC?

Never seen so much press for a micropenis convention, at least none I’ve been to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite NSFW Joke: A guy calls his friend, and says "you're not gonna BELIEVE what happened to me last night...

I was walking home from the bar, and I saw this woman tied to the railroad tracks, like in the old silent movies!"

His friend says "that's crazy! So what did you do?"
"Well, I untied her of course! And then I took her home and had sex with her all night long."

His friend says "tha...

What happened when the brown chicken met the brown cow?

Brown-chicken-brown-cow

What happened to Batman and Robin when a herd of elephants trampled over them ?

They became Flatman and Ribbon...

What happened to the kitchen robber with a speech impediment

He took too mamy whisks

What happened when the Dalai Lama tried to return to Tibet?

It created Lhasa problems

What happened when all of Old MacDonald’s animals ran away, except one?

He had a cow.

What happened to the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac, lazy, dumb, Reddit /jokes poster?

She stayed up all night reposting that there really isn’t an Ogd.

What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to Juan?!

There once was a man named Juan(65M), who was seeing this woman named Maria(60F)... every Saturday, they had a ritual. They would meet up at the local park, sit on the bench, and Maria would hold his penis. They enjoyed about a year of this relationship, before one Saturday, Juan failed to show.
...

Sailor 1: Have you seen what happened to the rope?

Sailor 2: Afraid not

What happened when the sparrow flew into the electric fan ?

Shredded tweet.

What happened when the composer got fired for being too experimental?

He went baroque.

What happened to Kamala Harris' campaign?

She had the black vote all locked up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returns home from his nightly pub visit to his wife sitting on the couch playing with two stray cats. He says to her "Hon, It's ok. Don't get mad, I can explain." The wife looks up and sees her husband has two heads. "Holy hell, John, what happened to you?" she screamed.

"Well," he explained, "I was leaving Harry's Pub just around ten PM like I always do when I decided to take a short cut through the alley way. That's where I stumbled and almost tripped on this lamp. So I pick it up and give it a rub, and out pops this genie who tells me he will give me three wishes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was trying to sleep last night. Here's what happened.

Some dude has this bed right beside mine, and he randomly started saying this:

"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."

For fuck's sake he was Tolkien in his sleep!

What happened to the lil cannibal who ate all his classmates?

He passed the third grade.

What happened to the inventor of the inflatable shoe?

He popped his clogs.

Told my Grandpa’s favorite joke at his funeral and it helped cheer some sad eyes..... What happened when the parsley workers went on strike?

Their wages were garnished.

Have you heard about what happened with that Italian chef?

He pastaway

What happened when the Energizer bunny's dad went out for cigarettes?

He just kept going and going and going.

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

After what happened at the U.S. Captiol

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert?

He had to resort to excessive violins.

You know what happened to humanity's most intelligent ancestor?

He decided having kids wasn't worth it.

What happened when the bakery burned down?

Their business was toast!

What happened to the old capacitor that killed the Energizer bunny?

It got charged with battery

What happened to king Henry the VIII’s wife’s head?

(removed)

Did you hear what happened to the big game taxidermist who fell behind on his debt?

His deer rear career is in arrears

What happened to the exhausted horse?

He hit the hay

When British people pronounce words like “Water” they say it like “Wuh-er”. So what happened to the T?

They drank it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets home from work very disgruntled, his wife asks "What is the matter?" (Man) "I got fired from the factory today." (Wife) "Oh honey you poor thing, what did you do now?" (Man) "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Wife *Looks down at his johnson* "What happened to the pickle slicer...?"

She was fired too.

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party?

They toasted the bride and groom...

My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!

After the helicopter crash, the blonde pilot was asked what happened...

She replied, “It was getting chilly in there, so I turned off the fan.”

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