UPJOKE

What Does Jokes

What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

What does going down on an old woman taste like?

Depends.

What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

What does the H in America stand for?

Healthcare

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does sushi have in common with anal?

You either love it, hate it, or you're scared to try it. And if you hate it, people keep trying to convince you that yours just wasn't prepared properly.

What does my wife and the Titan submarine have in common?

The banging stopped.

What does the O in Reddit stand for

Original Content

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?

Food

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.

What does the J in Donald J Trump stand for?

Genius

What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

What does a piano, a tuna, and glue have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna!

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?

Patreon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Donald Trump say before sex?

You remind me of my daughter

What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

What does a politician do when it dies?

It lies still.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a stripper do to her asshole before going to work?

Drops him off at band practice.

What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit

Every time when I ask someone what does LGBT stand for,

I never get a straight answer.

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a robot do after sex?

He nuts and bolts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a pregnant teenager and her unborn baby have in common?

They're both thinking 'Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me...'

I know this is a repost. Welcome to /r/jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does wearing crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common?

They both feel good until you look down and realize you're gay.

TAKE THAT CROC LOBBY #againstbigcroc

I understand if I get downvoted.

Hippos can swim and run faster than humans. What does this mean?

The bycicle is the only way to beat then in a triathlon.

What does 50 Cent call himself in Russia?

50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles

What does every women in the world want?

Nothing, they're fine.

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

What does a dyslexic racist hate?

Gingers

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a blind person say when washing a grater?

"That must be the stupidest shit I've ever read."

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does you call a herd of masturbating cows?

Beef Strokingoff.

What does a German snake sound like?

ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate?

A small chest with no booty.

What does 69 plus 69 equal ?

Dinner for 4

What does the narcissistic cow say?

"Meeeeee!"

I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Graaaaains

What does an introverted vegan want for dinner?

Peas and quiet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a nazi say when someone sneezes?

WHERE?

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

A Cameron Diaz.

What does it take to turn a Trump Supporter into a socialist?

$1,000

What does a French cat say?

LMAO

What does "IDK" mean?

I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass

What does NATO stand for?

No Action, Talk Only

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?

They both barely cover the asshole

What does a person with 2 left feet wear to the beach?

Flip-Flips

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails?

Alternative fax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Sigmund Freud and Samuel L Jackson have in common?

For them, everyone is a motherfucker

What does women breast and Disney land have in common?

They are made for kids but adults enjoy them!

What does 6.9 mean?

Just another good thing ruined by a period.

What does the Loch Ness monster eat?

Fish and Ships

What does a toolbox and a deadbeat dad have in common?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a man do after consuming only half a pill of Viagra?

Nothing... just fucking around a bit.

If a sailor calls a woman in the ocean a Mermaid, what does he call a woman on land?

Land Hoe!

What does a homeless Obama ask for?

Change

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

What does the economist say to arouse their wife

Oh baby I’m going to increase your liquidity

What does the Secret Service say when Donald Trump gets shot at?

"Donald! Duck!"

What does Pacman put on his Tacos?

Guacawaccawaccamole

What does the “r” in r/jokes stand for?

Recycled.

What does Batman put in his beverages?

Just ice.

What does English teachers do on Reddit?

Edit: grammar

What does a chemist say when his cat jumps into a pile of sand?

"Oh, you silicate"

What does a cheap motel and tight jeans have in common?

No ball room

What does Forrest Gump have his email password set as?

1Forrest1

What does a clock do when its hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds.

What does SWAT stand for…

… in Texas?

Stand, Wait, Act Tough

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

What does my Grandma and a Modern website have in common?

Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.

What does the military use acid for?

To neutralize the enemy base.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a horny ghost love to get?

Screampies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Dad, what does 'gays' mean?"

Me: You know how mum and dad love each
other? Well, two men can love each other the same
way.

Daughter: So what is 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er.. read me the whole sentence.

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."

Me: Oh.

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

What does a French person call marijuana?

Oui'd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the Star Ship Enterprise and Toilet Paper have in common?

They circle Uranus and pick up Klingons.


Note: This joke got me sent to the principals office when I was in elementary school some 35 years ago.

What does the letter “p” in Facebook stand for?

Privacy!

What does McDonalds and your tinder hook-up have in common?

They don’t look as good as advertised but you’ll eat them anyways.

What does the receptionist at the sperm bank says when donors are leaving?

Thank you for coming!

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

What does a patriotic rooster say?

Yankee Doodle Doo!

My little cousin thought of this one

What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A-spare-I-guess

What does a Scotsman wear underneath his kilt?

On good days a touch of lipstick.

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

Thunderwear.

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

What does the Fox say?

We're canceling all of your favorite shows.

What does a redneck and yeast have in common?

They are both "in-bread"

Downvote me to hell if you want. This is my only joke.

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.

What does the US military and a fart have in common?

Air Force

What does an arthritic mummy need?

a Cairo-practor.

What does a pirate do when they get sick?

They go to the dock

What does someone with a good singing voice have?

Opera-tune-ities.

(It’s dumb but it’s mine.)

What does a perverted ghost say?

Booooobs.

What does a Buddhist say when you electrocute him?

Ohmmmmm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a dildo and tofu have in common?

They are both meat substitutes

What does a deaf gynecologist do?

>! He reads lips !<

What does a misbehaving nun dip her fries in?

Worst sister sauce

What does a millennial mole eat for breakfast?

Avogadro toast

>!Special joke for chemists!<

What does an American say when he wins at chess?

Checkbuddy

What Does a Flashy Mathemetician Wear?

Fibonacci sequins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does viagra and the Chinese government have in common?

They both have been rigging erections for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what does an Amish Prostitute do?

About ten Mennonite...

What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?

Take off the ring and your house is gone


This post sure "blew up"


Just like my house

What does a pirate say when gets kicked in the nuts?

Menards

What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....


But I don't compare apples to oranges.

What does an evil cow say after it does something evil?

“Moo hahaha…Moo hahaha”

What does the invisible man do when he is excited?

He comes out of nowhere!

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?

Stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does someone with depression and a necrophile have in common ?

They both feel like fucking corpses.

What does it take to circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers

What does NASCAR stand for?

Non athletic sport created around rednecks

What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date?

He wax off

What does the Bible say about lawyers?

You should execute them. It says in Leviticus that you must stone those men who lie with other men.

What does a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

Both have a wet nose.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.