UPJOKE

What Does A Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

What does a piano, a tuna, and glue have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a stripper do to her asshole before going to work?

Drops him off at band practice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They’re both thinking, “Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!”

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

What does a politician do when it dies?

It lies still.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a pregnant teenager and her unborn baby have in common?

They're both thinking 'Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me...'

I know this is a repost. Welcome to /r/jokes

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

What does a robot do after a one-night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a blind person say when washing a grater?

"That must be the stupidest shit I've ever read."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a man do after consuming only half a pill of Viagra?

Nothing... just fucking around a bit.

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass

What does a dyslexic racist hate?

Gingers

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

What does a chemist say when his cat jumps into a pile of sand?

"Oh, you silicate"

What does a German snake sound like?

ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a nazi say when someone sneezes?

WHERE?

What does a toolbox and a deadbeat dad have in common?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a pedophile and a turtle have in common?

They both wanna get there before the hare does.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

What does a cheap motel and tight jeans have in common?

No ball room

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Graaaaains

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a horny ghost love to get?

Screampies.

What does a pirate say when gets kicked in the nuts?

Menards

What does a clock do when its hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds.

What does a pirate do when they get sick?

They go to the dock

What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?

Flop-Flops

What does a Scotsman wear underneath his kilt?

On good days a touch of lipstick.

What does a robot eat for a small snack?

Microchips

What does a French person call marijuana?

Oui'd

What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?

Take off the ring and your house is gone


This post sure "blew up"


Just like my house

What does a burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant woman all have in common?

An idiot who didn’t take it out in time.

What does a redneck and yeast have in common?

They are both "in-bread"

Downvote me to hell if you want. This is my only joke.

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

Thunderwear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does an 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A-spare-I-guess

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a dog do that a man steps in?

Pants. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

I’m looking for a third joke with a punchline that appears to be, but isn’t, feces related. Please help me finish my pseudo-poop dad joke trifecta.

What does a vegan say after they are bitten by a zombie?

*Graaiiiins*

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?

Stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

What does a dog and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?

A wet nose

What does a software engineer do when in an argument with his wife?

He copy-pastes from a previous argument. Why reinvent the wheel?

What does a triangle call a circle?

Pointless.

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

A Cameron Diaz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a chemist say when pretending to be a therapist?

You matter

What does a janitor say when he jumps out of a closet?

Supplies!

I was trying to climb a Himalayan mountain and I asked the local guide, “What does a Sherpa do?”

Him: Let me..summit up for you.

What does a perverted ghost say?

Booooobs.

What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

What does a swimming pool and a dead body have in common?

They are both cold when you first get in.

What does a non-binary person do on the toilet?

They/She/It

What does a judge have in his lemonade?

Just ice

What does a bad developer and my mom have in common?

Both pushed a disaster.

What does a dead musician do?

He decomposes

What does a pervert donkey put in his Tinder profile?

I eat ass

What does a blonde at a blinking red light sound like?

Vroom!-Screech! Vroom!-Screech! Vroom-Screech!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a bungee cord and a hooker have in common?

They're cheap and fast, but if the rubber breaks you're fucked.

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

What does a person with diarrhea and an electric car owner have in common?

They both hope will make it home

What does a firing squad eat for lunch?

Rata-ta-ta-touille.

What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common ?

They both can smell it, but they can't taste it.

What does a Chinese lumberjack do?

Chop sticks

What does a deaf gynecologist do?

Read lips

What does a pair of Levi's and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

What does a "muscle buff" do in the afterlife?

Deadlifts.

What does a redditor say when he detonates a bank vault?

Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.