UPJOKE

What Are Jokes

What are a trans parents pronouns

Who/where

What are the worst three states to live?

State of Despair. / State of Confusion. / State of Poverty.

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What are pornstars paid?

Income.

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What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

What are a male donkey’s pronouns?

He / haw

What are you stealing?

I worked at a factory making furniture. Every night I would leave the gate with a wheelbarrow full of sawdust and every night the factory guard checked through the sawdust as I left, looking for what I might be stealing… but I was too cleaver, he never found anything!

After 20 years, the guar...

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

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What are the three words you never want to hear while having sex?

"Honey, I'm home!"

What are you going to do in the weekend?

"I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."

What are the two problems with the French flag?

The red bit and the blue bit.

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Man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks “what are you doing?”…

She says, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes can make $500 for doing what I do with you for free”.

As the wife is getting to leave, she walks by the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Excuse me, what are you doing??”

Husband replies - “Coming to New York, I...

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What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?

"Has to be the quickest finish ever."

"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"

"I think the grass is a little bit too long."

What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life ?

Answer:
1. Life sucks
2. Job sucks
3. Wife doesn't

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

Girl: What are your plans for today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

What are the options?

Air Hostess to passenger:
"Sir would you like to have dinner?"

Passenger: "What are the options?"

Air Hostess: "Yes and No."

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What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

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What are boobs without nipples?

Pointless

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On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?” He explained calmly...

“Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

What are the two things conservatives hate?

The way things are, and change.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

Host: What are you?

Me: I'm a Harp

Host: Your costume's too small.

Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?

Wife: what are you getting me for our 10 year anniversary?

Husband: Im taking you to Africa

Wife: wow that's amazing I always wanted to go there. Then what you would get me for our 20th?

Husband: I will pick you up

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

What are four words you DEFINITELY do not want to hear?

"Hi. I'm Chris Wallace."

Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk

Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

KID : What are condoms used for?

DAD : To avoid such questions.

Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.

So what are you in to ?

\- I stalk people.

\- Oh really ? Well, I like nature and running.

\- I know.

What are a kidnappers favorite type of shoes?

White Vans.

"What are your dogs names ?"

"Calvin and Klein"

"Like the underwear?"

"They are boxers."

What are the magic words you say to get what you want?

I'm offended

What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

On one hand, you have a watch...

But on the other hand, you have a watch.

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to ...

What are smart people called in America?

Tourists.

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What are strippers doing during quarantine?

Twerking from home.

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?

U r a bus

Women who are short are called "petite." What are short men called?

Friends.

What are Mexican proteins made of?

Amigo-acids

Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?" Me: "Drunk"

Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
Me: "Mad"

I was wearing my yarmulke the other day, and a man asked me, “what are you, a Jew?”

So I said, “gesundheit.”

My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns?

Her, She

What are milk farmers attracted to?

A nice dairy air.

A daughter asks her father, “Dad, what are your views on abortion?”

Her father replies, “Why don’t you ask your sister.”

Daughter replies, “But I don’t have a sister….. oh”

What are the propellers on an aircraft for?

They work the Air conditioner.
Cause when the propellers stop spinning, the pilot starts sweating.

What are the tiny bumps around a woman’s nipple for?

Braille for “Suck here.”

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My wife was screaming and yelling at the tv, “Don’t go to church you stupid bitch,” I said “what are you watching?”

She said, “Our wedding video.”

What are you doing with that penguin?

So this cop is waiting behind a billboard in the desert. He's just chilling in his car waiting for speeders to ticket when, all of a sudden, a man drives by at under the speed limit. The cop is about to let him pass, but then he sees the man has, of all things, a penguin in his shotgun seat!
The ...

Hey Reddit, what are your favorite lame jokes?

"Wanna hear a pizza joke?"

"Nevermind, it's too cheesy."

What are the Scottish' favorite type of bread?

Gaelic Bread

What are your New Years resolutions?

I'm upgrading to 2460×4820.

What are your thoughts on dismemberment?

Personally, I think it's a bit of 'armless fun!

What are security officers called at a trampoline park?

Bouncers

What are a Jamaican persons pronouns?

I and I

My grandpa died yesterday. Here's one of my favorite jokes he told. What are your favorite grandpa jokes?

Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole. "Sally what are you doing with that shovel?" asked Ms.Robinson. "My goldfish died, s...

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What are the two most important holes in a womans body?

No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!!

Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick.

What are Russian computers best for?

ComPutin.

A man escapes from prison. What are his initials?

S. K. P.

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

what are your thoughts on psychedelics?

Personally, my thoughts on psychedelics are disorganized and nonsensical.

What are the only two words in the English language that have two U’s together?

Vacuum and Sheep.

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

-What are you drinking, son?

-Soy milk.

-Hola milk, soy tu padre.

Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone

Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.”
“You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.

What are we doing for Easter?

Wife: What are our plans for Easter?

Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.

Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.

Husband: What do you mean?

Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.

What are long, green,and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frog’s fingers…

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What are Politics?

A young boy asks his father what politics are at the dinner table. His father responds with, "Well look at it this way son, I'm the president since I run the household. Your mother is the government since she pays the bills, the nanny is the working class since she works for me, and you and your lit...

What are Dolores Umbridge’s pronouns?

*Hem/hem*

What are the only things that will do their job after being fired?

Bullets

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If you have one big shit, and divide it into 3 equal parts and throw 2 of them away. What are you left with?

One turd

If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?

European!

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A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants The host says "What are you supposed to be?"

The guy replies "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my underwear."

what are you doing after this?

A few decades ago, a man walked into a barber shop and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please."



As it was in those days, the barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge.

However, instead of the usual child or assistant, a gorgeous woman kneels down and shi...

do you know what are the most chatty shoes?

The converse.

What are the worlds smallest handcuffs?

wedding rings

What are Santa's favorite kind of potato chips?

Crisp Pringles

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What are sweaty bOObs called?

Humiditities

What are the 3 worst mistakes in business

1. Over-promising
2. Under-delivering

what are cows knees called?

burger joints

What are the two steps to marrying a country girl?

First; a tractor.


Next; fertilizer.

Languages, what are they called?

Sorry if you’ve seen this one before, but here it goes:
What do you call someone who speaks three languages-Trilingual
What do you call someone who speaks two languages-Bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks one language?

A proud citizen of the United States of America…

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If maths is mathematical, quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Testicles :)

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A tight rope Walker is walking a tight rope between two buildings on the 85th floor in new York. At the same time in South Texas is getting a blow job from a 85 year old lady. What are both men thinking?

Don't look down.

what are caterpillers afraid of?

Dog-erpillars

A cannibal walks into a New York restaurant. He said to the waiter, “Please give me some children to eat.” The waiter was surprised and asked, “What are you talking about?”

“The sign at the entrance says half price for children."

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Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited for October

What Are We Eating?

A can of tuna has a picture of a tuna fish

A pack of Ham has a picture of a pig

Turkey has a picture of a turkey

Egg carton has a picture of a chicken

Beef has a picture of a cow

Dogfood has a picture of a dog

What are law enforcement officers called in Vatican City?

The Pope Po

What are amish children called?

Amlettes

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What are a nazi’s favorite letters?

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y

Interviewer: What are three words that describe you?

Applicant: Hardworking, intelligent and dishonest.

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