UPJOKE

What Am I Jokes

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald’s ice cream machine

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?"

Husband: "Right"

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What am I in for? Well, I used to be a zookeeper, you see...

One day, my boss calls me into her office, and she tells me she's trying to breed dolphins, and she wants my help. And I hear that, and I'm all in, great way to move up in my industry.

So she tells me she's trying to mate these two dolphins, but they're not feeling frisky. She tells me she ha...

Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"

Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

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I have three holes, each of which are often filled with three solid rods at the same time. What am I?

An electric socket you sick fucks!

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I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?

Fucking ugly

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly

Do you ever wonder "Who am I? Where am I going? What am I doing?"

Well, mind your own business.

Enter through one, exit through three. Once you succeed I am on thee. What am I?

A shirt.

I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I?

A liar.

What am I?

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell ...

If you eat me, you die. If you drink me, you die. If you breathe me, you die. What am I?

I am























































Nothing\~

“waiter waiter! what am I eating?”

“It’s called the Tomato Surprise” replies the waiter

“But I don’t see any tomatoes?”

“That’s the surprise”

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A man pukes on himself in the bar. And says “Oh no what am I going to do? I promised my wife I wouldn’t get drunk here.”

The bartender sees him and says. “It’s ok man take $20 out of your wallet and put it in your shirt pocket. Tell her someone got sick on you and gave you some money for the inconvenience.”
The guy says thanks and walks home. Put money in his shirt pocket and leaves his clothes in the laundr...

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What am I?

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally ...

I am a word. I begin with F and end with UCK. What am I?

I already told you, I'm a word.

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

I enter through one ear, leave through the other one, but still stay inside. What am I?

A pickaxe.

I have eight hands and four heads what am I?

A serial killer

Q) I have ten arms, eight legs and 22 feet. what am I?

A) A liar.

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I was a sex machine before my divorce. What am I now?

Ex machine.

Q. I have a neck, but no head, and I wear a cap. What am I?

A. A bottle!

I have a 100 heads, 100 hands, 100 feet. What am I?

A goddamn liar

I have 3 heads, 4 legs, 6 hands and 416 fingers, what am I?

A liar.

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When I go down on you, it makes you very happy. And when I come back up I will fuck you good and hard. What am I?

Gas prices.

I have glasses but cannot see. I have feet but cannot walk. What am I?

A riddle.

On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently

Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers

Her : Wow thats great!

Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo

I'm half filipino and half greek so what am I?

I'm a freek

I make you wet and naked people turn me on. What am I?

A shower

How do you comeback 'I know you are but what am I?"

A hypocrite

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What am I?

What has six tits and three teeth? The night shift at the Waffle House.

I have green skin, a nose three times the size of the horn on my head, four brown teeth and my neck is covered in furry scales... what am I?

Ugly!

I blow, but I don't swallow. I whip, but don't do chains. Some watch me and feel proud, while others feel ashamed. What am I?

I am a flag.

My wife asked me what "mansplaining" means

...now what am I supposed to do?

I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place. What am I?

2.71828183

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I asked a hooker for a blowjob

She said it would cost $50

I said I only have have $5 what can I get for that?

She said a bus pass

I said what am I supposed to do with a bus pass?

She said I don't know but you're not getting off here

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[NSFW] A teenager goes to confession.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I have been masturbating."

"Ah, my son, this is not uncommon. But you must save that for marriage. Your penance is to say a decade of the rosary," says the priest.

Many years later, the teenager, now a grown man, goes back to confession w...

My eyes are in New York. My brain is in Stockholm. My heart is in Paris. What am I?

Dead.

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

I have 2 eyes and can't see, but millions of eyes on me. What am I?

NFL Referee

I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!?

Am I a kitchen or an exit?

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A man went to the store to buy some raisins...

When he got there, he asked a cashier, "What aisle are the..."

"...raisins in?" she asked.

"How... how did you know?"

"I am a psychic. I can read minds."

"Really? Well then, what am I..."

"Thinking now? You're thinking about what I might look like naked."

"Y...

I’m starting a YouTube channel about my fixation with lizards and snakes. What am I going to call it?

A Reptile Dysfunction

I have three and a half legs, four arms but only two hands, two noses but only one nostril and one eye. What am I?

ugly

My job always gets me wet. I occasionally do it standing up, but often do it while laying on my back. Men call me for help when they don’t want to do the job themselves. What am I?

A plumber.

I’m hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. My name begins with “c”, ends in “t”, and there’s a “u” and “n” in between them. What am i?

A coconut.

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My mutt dog had 3 litters last year! First was 5 puppies. Then 7. Then 6. What am I going to do with 18 puppies?!

Sum of a bitch!

It was two o'clock in the morning...

...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replie...

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring....

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