UPJOKE

Went To The Doctors Jokes

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

I went to the doctors....

To get the results of my blood test. He said everything is okay my cholesterol was a little high but nothing to worry about. He also told me I was allergic to rice. I wondered why I got out of breath everytime I ate rice. Apparently I'm Basmatic.

Went to the doctors today and I complained, "There seems to ge a few spoons and forks stuck in my throat."

He said, "It's not serious, you just need to have utensils taken out."

I went to the doctors and said

"every time I drink a cup of tea or coffe, I get a shooting pain in my eye"

Doctors said "just take the spoon out the cup next time".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctors' this morning...

"It's my testicles, doctor." I told her. "One of them isn't normal."

"Excuse me?" She said, rather abruptly. "Are these your certificates on the wall? Did you spend the best part of a decade earning a medical degree? Is that your name on this office door? Are YOU a doctor?"


"Err, n...

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Went to the doctors for a prostate exam

During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate .......

But I still wish he hadn't

I went to the doctors because I’ve suddenly acquired a fear of flying

The thinks it could be a terminal illness

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I went to the doctors office the other day and found out ...

...my new doctor is a young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and il check it out."

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny".

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I went to the doctors yesterday.

Me: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.

Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant

They changed my mind

Went to the doctors

Doctor: You’re overweight

Me: I want a second opinion

Doctor: You’re ugly

I went to the doctors because I was sad I couldn't complete the crossword..

He told me not to get 2 down

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Went to the doctor

So I went to the doctor and he was needed to write me a prescription. He reached into his pocket to pull out a pen..Instead he pulls out a rectal thermometer..

The doctor then yells "Damn, some asshole's got my pen!"

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

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A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration.
“You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the test...

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

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I went to the doctors for some butt cream

I called the doctor the next day...

Me: Doctor, I’ve had quite a reaction from applying this cream you’ve given me

Doctor: oh really? Where did you apply it?

Me: on the bus.

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I went to the doctors because I had a lettuce stuck up me arse.

All he did was apply a dressing

I went to the Doctors

He asked "What's the matter?"

I said "I'm too easy going. People always take advantage of my good nature"

He said "What do you want me to do?"

I said "I want you to refer me to a self-assertiveness course"

He said "No you don't"

I said "You're right, I don't"

A Mathematician went to the doctors because he kept seeing √-1

Apparently it was all imaginary

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I went to the doctors and said I can only get sexualy stimulated by chickpeas and garlic

He said "don't worry, you're just humous-sexual"

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I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass

I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg

So I went to the doctors the other day,

And when I arrived they said - “Tom, you are overweight, you drink too much and smoke too much”

I said “thanks, but when am I seeing the doctor”

What a friendly receptionist

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