UPJOKE

Went To A Bar Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.

I went to a bar last night

and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said "Wow, great legs."

She giggled and said "Really?"

I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."

Last night, I went to a bar with my wife and cousin.

She ordered beer.

Two chemists went to a bar.

The first ordered H2O
The second ordered H2O too.

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I went to a bar with my girlfriend last night and people kept calling me a pedophile, just because I'm 53 and she is 22...

...totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

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I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home.

I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home. Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us pass. After a while I made it home safely, which is surprising because I've never driven a cab.

A dyslexic man went to a bar

Saw a sign that said “nope”.

“Well, I guess I’ll come back later”

A bunch of anti-vax moms went to a bar

They all got shots

A string went to a bar

The bartender said:

- "Sorry, we don't serve your kind."

The string left, twisted himself up and parted his hairs, then came back to the bar.

- "Aren't you the same guy just a minute ago ?" , the bartender asked.

- "I'm a frayed knot" , said the piece of string.

I went to a bar on the weekend and the sign read:

Hamburgers £1:00
Cheeseburgers £2:00
Hand Job £3:00 (Oh yesss!!)
I called the attractive blonde behind the bar across to enquire. "Can I help you?" she asked with a big smile. "I was wondering (I whispered) Are you the one who gives them ummm!! Hand Jobs?" "Yessssss" she almost purrs "I am"...

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

I went to a bar last night...

The free peanuts mentioned how great my outfit looked.The broken jukebox told me i had a terrible hair cut.I asked the bartender what their deal was.
'Well,the nuts are complimentary and the music player is out of order'

The other day I went to a bar

I met this beautiful Jewish girl. We talked for a while and really hit it on. At one point during the night she asked for my number.

I had to explain to her that here we call people by their names.

I went to a bar for my friends birthday

We stepped into a bar after a late showing of the Aqua-Man movie to have a few drinks. Seeing how it was my friend's birthday I decided to order the first round. The waitress comes to our table and I ask for the special. The waitress gave us some beer options and a promotional drink called the Aqua-...

Harambe went to a bar

Bartender: What can I get you today?

Harambe: May I get a martini?

Me: Just ice for Harambe.

Harambe: Just ice?

Me: Justice for Harambe.

A group of miners finished working and went to a bar

but the bartender wouldn't serve them. Ha! Ha! You get it? "Miners!" Haw! Haw!....ah, never mind.

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An american and a russian went to a bar

A couple of drinks later, the american flips a coin high in the air and shoots a hole through with a revolver, shouting

- BILL, BUFFALO BILL

A moment later the russian whips out three testicles and shouts:

- BILL, CHERNOBILL

Once a tap and a sink went to a bar.

The tap went in but the sink wasn't allowed to enter.
He said to the bouncer today is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be again. Let that sink in.

Last night I went to a bar and the craziest thing happened. Some chick got her nipple pierced in front of me!

On an unrelated subject... I suck at darts.

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Horse went to a bar and started drinking beer. He ended up drinking too much beer.

He then accidentally spilled beer of another guy sitting next to him. He apologized and said he’s gonna buy beer for him. The guy agreed. Horse had already ran out of money though. So he hides behind the counter and silently pissed on the glass and fills it up. He gives the glass to the man.
Af...

I went to a bar last night that didn’t play any 70s music

At first I was afraid. I was petrified.

MacGyver, Optimus Prime, Jesus and I went to a bar...

MacGyver started talking about how he can make a phone out of pretty much any items laying around in the bar. Optimus Prime just had to one-up and said he could actually transform himself into a phone. We all looked at Jesus. Jesus was all smuck and told us he could take any phone and use it to call...

I went to a bar last night and I was a bit disappointed that the 2 bartenders didn't greet me.

I guess my expectations were two hi.

3 NoSql database admins went to a bar but came out immediately. Why? ...

... They could not find a table :P

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Last night I went to a bar and someone put a Mira-Lax in my drink

Overall, it was a pretty shitty night

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

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